The last couple of years I've had no clear direction. No goals that I could point to. It has been very distracting, very unsettling. I have felt as if I have no purpose. During those times, one must stay focused on the last thing God told them. He is always preparing us for what He has already prepared for us. He's waiting on us to arrive. And He ever so gently calls to us, patiently waiting until we can see past the pain of our loss. Yes, I do believe that during the times of "where am I to go, Lord", we are walking through grief of some kind. And during those times, it is difficult to focus enough to see direction, even though our hearts are crying out to hear His voice once again.
First, we lost our church of 25 years; a new work was started some 4-5 months later, just to have our friend and co-laborer diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor, (she left us less than a year later), then before another month had gone by, my wonderful sister of whom I depended on for spiritual guidance, lost the battle of PSP and made her way home to the Father of all life. One of my brothers had passed away only 6 months prior and another sister 5 months before that, and another sister less than a year before her. Only by God's grace did I withstand all this. This I am sure of. It wasn't long after all these tragic happenings, the new church we had been given oversight of, began to dwindle away. Little by little, people left. We just didn't have enough servants for the group that had gathered. Maybe it was something else. I'm still not sure what happened. But...God gives beauty for ashes. And He has certainly done that. But not without my crying over it. My remorse. My grief. My choices to step back.
I had to have something to aim at. I needed goals!!! God knew, he understood...he is the one who designed me. He created me for purpose and for a set number of days. I needed something to put my hands to! Something I could stand before Him and say, "Here is what I've done with the days allotted me." Once I allowed myself to be quiet and sit in His presence, He handed me a set of goals. "This is a set of temporary goals to get you to the place I have prepared for you. Pay attention to them. They will get you where I need you to be and carry you through the rest of your days." You see, I have always placed importance on "doing" even though I knew "doing" did not translate "holy". For whatever reason, I've always enjoyed the spotlight. My sweet (mostly sweet =}) sister that passed from this life two years ago, let me know that I "needed to be seen." That really offended me at the time. But it was one of those defining moments in life. And it has found a cubby hole somewhere inside my brain and will pop out every now and then, and I will have to address it, put a check mark beside it, and slide it back into it's cubby hole. You know what I'm talking about. All those little notes you've made to yourself that gets lost in the clutter. But when you start cleaning away the unused "stuff" you find it once again! Yeah...that little note you stored away. That's the one.
As I faced this giant, I knew he must be destroyed. It's not about me. It's about the One who chose me. So, as I listened for something to put my hands to one wintry morning at the beginning of the year, God was faithful to hand me a list:
- Do not take into account a wrong suffered.
- Make wonderful, lasting memories
- Be the very best you can be in any given situation. "Whatever your hands find to do, do with all your might, as if you were working for Me." (my translation) Because you are...
- No wasting time! Long hours in front of the TV, is wasted time. Time spent worrying over "what ifs", is time wasted.
- Become more sensitive to others emotional needs and become their example.
How I accomplished all that I did in the last 25 years, is beyond me. God must have stretched the time for me. As I think back, I really didn't like myself all that much. I was an angry, complaining individual. My need to be recognized did not satisfy. Oh, I loved what I did! All the things I put my hands to were good things...some even great things. Home education of our children, Homeschoolers United Group Support (HUGS), yearly Curriculum Fairs, yearly Science Fairs, yearly Talent Shows, Christmas productions, HSLDA involvement, Images of Grace Drama Team, Deaconess, Mary's Place, wife and mother demands....but I was missing something. I think I must have been wanting acceptance. So, I worked for it. My family would have accepted me without all that...so why did I need others approval? That's a really good question. A question I can't answer. However, God has used all that to bring me to what He has prepared for me.
So, here I am, list in hand, and ready to meet the next five years! Now I hope it doesn't get lost in the clutter of things. =} Grace upon grace! 5 for 5. Now that makes me smile! I will leave you with this question to ponder:
What would be your top 10 memories if you could store no more?
MJ
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