Where Are My Sunglasses?

"Hiding" from Grams

Have you ever begun something, set it aside for later, and later never appeared? For whatever reason, my blogging desires have come to the surface, of late. So, looking into the "draft" archives, I found a post I had started back in 2013, that never got finished. Five years later, it has reminded me of a game Reagan and I now play. Hide and Seek is an amazing game, as seen through the eyes of a child. All you have to do is duck your head, and/or close your eyes, and whoever is searching for you, even though they may be looking directly at you, cannot see you. Even if you say, "Is Reagan in the _______ (fill in the blank), and she really isn't there, you will hear her sweet voice from another room (where she really is), loudly say, "No." If you start to leave the room she is in, she will make a noise, as if she is trying to whistle so you will know you are close to where she is. But only when she is REALLY hiding. Like behind a chair, or closet door.

I love this kid, sooooo much!!! She consistently puts a smile on my face and laughter in my soul.

So, with that, here is the archived draft from 2013. Left dangling, unfinished; I think I will finish it today.

      I left work a wee bit early today. It was becoming more and more uncomfortable being where others could see me...and business had become quiet. While driving home, I decided to put my sunglasses on. Ahhhh...all of a sudden, my confidence in who I am began to become evident to me once again. All it took was to remove my regular eyeglasses and replace them with sunglasses. I felt hidden from sight. No one could see me. Weird, how that happens.

     Yesterday, in a moment of frustration, I decided to cut most of my hair off. It had become way too long for what I'm accustomed to, and just the day before, a contract worker explained why he was laughing as I walked out of my place of business. "I thought you had a motorcycle helmet on," he said, choking on his own laughter. "I guess it's time for a haircut," I quietly replied as I quickly slipped the key in the lock. Motivation came flooding in, as I determined once and for all, to change the way I looked. My evidently large helmet sized head sank lower as I walked out the door.

     When my girls were mere toddlers, I would place a dish towel over their heads where they couldn't see me, and we played peek-a-boo for what seemed like hours. They would giggle as I said, "Where's Lindsey (or Meghan...whichever it was)." You know the game. When they pulled the cloth off their faces, I would say, "Oh! There you are!" It was a fun game for them...and me. That simple act of placing something over their heads created a sense of invisibility. I guess it lingers into adulthood. My sunglasses had become my personal dish towel.

Ah...the essence of youth and cute hair. You rarely, if ever, see a child fussing about their hair and how it looks. And yet, it's usually adorable. Combed, or not combed. The only time it's important for them to be invisible is when they are hiding from you.

 As the years travel quickly past me, I still remain young at heart. Is it possible that's how God intended it to be, like, forever??? I've said it more than once, "I still feel as if I'm in my 30's." My body may be showing signs of being a few years older, but who I am, is stuck back in the 80's. Where are my sunglasses?

If you've lost me, look for me here, in Mary's World...behind the sunglasses.

Night Visits

Well, they seem to have started their attempt at bondage once again. It's been awhile. The night terrors I have experienced over the years, have paid me a visit 3 times, in the last week. Last night was a bit different, in that, not only did the sheet of unexpected attempts at silencing me happen, there was also a throw-back dream (of sorts), that followed the screams piercing the late night hours.

But first...a little history. Many years ago, before giving my life to God, I would have recurring dreams of water. A lot of water. In those dreams, I could barely keep myself from drowning as the water reached out for me. In one dream, I had a baby that, as we were going under, I would stretch as high as I could to lift her enough to keep her head above the foreboding waters. She was always safe, but I was under the water. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. That was God telling me I had to die to what I was, in order for the new to be birthed and alive. And the new me would live.

But the most vivid dream of all was the recurring one of falling into a pit of sand that would not cough me up, no matter how hard I tried to free myself. The more I tried digging my way to freedom, the more sand spilled in upon me until it totally covered up my only way of escape. As the last bit of sky was removed from my sight, and the sand had totally engulfed me, I felt the urge to turn and look to my left. When I did, a large opening presented itself to me, with light pouring through it. One that was so simple, so easy, to walk through. And I did. God had made a way of escape, where there seemed to be none. And all it took was for me to stop grabbing at the thing that was burying me. Again, I didn't realize it then, but I do now. 

The night terrors began years later. The first one was in December of 1974. They consistently, and periodically, visited me over the coming years. I never knew when they would present themselves. Looking back, I can remember times of extreme stress being my companion, as I navigated life. The years prior to becoming a Christian had left a lot of mental & physical baggage that needed unpacked. I really don't know if the stress caused the terrors, or if the terrors caused the stress. Not long after laying my head down to sleep, many nights just as I was drifting off, a very demonic face would come from a far corner of our bedroom, and with sonic speed, stop just short of my face. I would wake with a blood-curdling scream. Those were during the young years of my Christianity, and prior to becoming a mom.

The terrors would stop for quite a while, only to return later. Never knew why they stopped, but was tremendously happy about it. Then they began again, with full on force, in 2013 upon moving to North Carolina. But with a different terror. Now I was experiencing a grid-like object hovering over my face, as it threatened to smash into me or imprison me. I was also "seeing" short (talking 3 foot tall) guys of Indian (not Native) descent, standing only a few feet from me. They stood, just gazing in my direction as if trying to decide who I was. They never threatened me, it was just intensely terrifying to wake and see someone in my room...watching me.

Last night, and for the last two times of visitation, the terror presented itself as a see-through cloth just drifting over me, making me think it was going to cover me. These terrors all feel so real. I believe I am fully awake, but seem to be in a dream-like state, then STARTLED awake. Not able to remove the cloth, my being just reacted with screaming. And then, the dream came. It was different, yet the same, in that I was about to be consumed. I was heading out to purchase more twigs and vines for a display I was preparing. When I got to the store, a wall of dense, multi-colored and hardened sponge, had blocked the entire store, allowing no entrance. As I made my way forward (stubborn, I am), I found myself engulfed by the wall of foamy sponge. Did I fall into it? I don't know. But, I do know there was only about 3 feet between me and safety as I tried to remove myself from certain death. The wall began to wrap itself around me until I couldn't move. I could still see the sky, so reached upward, trying to find anything I could grab onto to get me to safety. But...any move I made only caused the wall to further secure its victim. Like a fly caught in a web, and much like the pit of sand of many years prior.

I awoke, having had no escape presented to me. During my morning shower, I pondered this dream. I know direction is trying to lead me. I also know I am trying to hold onto something God is asking me to let go of. Something that is sucking the life out of me. And guess what is laying at my doorstep. Fear. Little Much Afraid is looking directly at the situation she finds herself to be in, and all the terrifying cousins she must encounter along the way to freedom are lurking, watching every move she makes.

So, here I am, Lord. Speak. You'll find me here, in Mary's World...