The Demons We Fight

Photo by Lindsey Lewis

Break downs. Emotional deficits. As years of feeling invisible, or unheard often deplete value, so do the years of being "too much," or "extra," deplete self-acceptance. Self-esteem plummets.

There. I said it.

It feels much like a hammer that consistently pounds, having no control to stop, will sub-consciously strike again, and  again...until the thing it is pounding is flattened completely.

Until there is no sign of resistance. Ever. 

Unless it wasn't what the hammerer perceived to be true, one could say, "Mission accomplished."

Deep sorrow. Deep sadness overtakes the individual that is  fighting for their life. For the life they were given, but haven't  quite lived out as it was meant to be. Are they only imagining the feeling of unimportance, as they've been told time and time again?  

So many repetitive questions of, "Why are you like this?' "And, "Why are you always...(fill in the blanks)?"

Are they simply believing the insecurities that became a part of life while being convinced they weren't good enough? That they weren't pretty enough? Or lovable enough? After all, they should be grateful for what they have. Even if it verifies what they have feared all along.

At this moment in time, I do think it may be the key that unlocks the whys...

When we finally arrive at the end of ourselves...at the end of our abilities to become something different than what we've been made to believe; those are the times we see more clearly. Truth has a way of coming forward when lies have extended their stay and have been exposed through death. Death of spirit. Or of the inability to care any longer. With the crushing of the soul, comes the ousting of a once burning flame.

What we don't understand at the time of lifting our truce flag, is that even though the fire may have lost it's needed fuel to burn brightly, the embers still live beneath...unnoticed by many on-lookers, just waiting for the day the abused rustles and gently blows on what remains hidden.

That's when truth becomes apparent. It's when truth becomes obvious. It's when truth shouts, "You are more than this!" "You've allowed another's voice to tell you who you are and you have listened to a voice other than the Father's."

It was He who sent you to be born into this world, and it is He who asks you to let him be the guide. For a purpose that no one, other than He, can show you. It is He who laughs at the storm and commands it to be still. 

Maybe she was "too much" most of the time. It showed up as she was fighting to live. As she was trying her best to see the real person that had been created by a loving God, but chose the way of wrong choices, had unknowingly became less than what was promised her. 

Her ear was turned to the accuser, stopping the flow of goodness that had been poured out over her, as she turned a deaf ear towards the one who convicts (not condemns) of sinful nature. Waiting to free her.

Less than what was possible. Less than all the gifts she knew had been placed inside her, from the first burst of creativity to the last hope of importance. Never to be revealed because fear demanded those thoughts be left to collect dusty neurons that crusted over and cracked with age. Unusable... ~Psalm 139, Philippians 4:8

It's the battle demons love as they watch a life crumble. Demons who have been instructed to render God's kids useless while they walk this earth. Their job is to disable. Mentally bind the impressionable so they will never inspire another, encourage masses, or mentor nations with the truth of God's love for them. ~Matthew 28:19-20

The good news? 

It's a battle that can be won...if we but allow. ~2 Chronicles 20:15

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

#LifeIssues #myjourneyamongtheunseen #greatisHisfaithfulness #mindpower #winningthebattle

Waste Not, Want Not

Habits...we all have them, right? I just finished preparing my morning cup of coffee, with an added teaspoon of "mushroom coffee". Up until about 2 months ago, I had my coffee with the mushroom coffee additive purchased from www.weliveconscious.com. The taste had to be gotten used to. It wasn't my all time favorite, but it did seem to give this aging brain of mine a bit more clarity so that it could actually serve up words that I'd always known, but now have trouble getting them out my mouth.

Anyway...I decided to save a little money and use the new product my stand-by coffee has come up with. Lifeboost Coffee is the bomb. Seriously! Best coffee, even over my long love of Coffee Masters Highlander Grogg. They now have a mix of medium roast coffee with added Lions Mane and Chaga Mushrooms, called Cognition. And it is goooood! And, every dollar matters these days, right? So, because I have some left-over small canisters of the mushroom coffee that must be added to the regular coffee, I have started adding it to the Lifeboost Coffee that already has some mushrooms in it. Gotta use up what's left so it won't go to waste and eventually need tossed. If you understood what I just said, raise your hand. 

Actually, every dollar has ALWAYS mattered. And this is what brings me to the table this lovely, cool, Spring morning.

"Waste not, want not." One of Dad's favorite sayings. He had many, but this one was heard so often I don't think my brain will ever allow it to be deleted. I do believe it is why I save soooooo many things. Like CARDBOARD! Ugh! That's a totally different story. It's also why we live so frugally. 

But, I'm not alone in this. Dennis has shirts from the year he and Rusty (my nephew) went to Panama on a mission trip. The girls were small, so I'm thinking that was around 1986-87. Some 40 odd years ago. They still look great! If it's not thread bare, why replace it? 

Secret reveal: I threw a tee-shirt of his away (some many years ago), without telling him I was going to. It was a favorite of his. It was so fragile, it had tears in the shoulder seams, under the arms, and around the neck. It was basically a rag he shimmed over his head and wore proudly. It was comfortable, he said.

Side Note: I think there may be some left-over desire for not needing clothing that hails from the Biblical days of Adam and Eve. 

That particular shirt, I hated washing. He wouldn't let me throw it away. But since he had several....well...I thought I could get away with disposing of it while he was at work. I know. Pretty low of me. I totally didn't listen to that little voice inside my head that keeps saying, "Waste not, want not."

I still grieve over doing that. *wink *wink.

Be clean. Be a good steward of what you have. Take care of it and it will serve you for many a year. There is no shame in taking care of what one has.

Like our mode of transportation. We drive our vehicles until they leave us stranded by the roadside...several times. I'll never forget the party our bank had when I finally bought a new car. Going through the drive-through, my loan officer came to the window to congratulate me on the new purchase and to look it over. All the tellers, for as far as my eye could see, were cheering. 😂 "You deserve it, Mary!" That's what Cale said. Yep. We drive 'em until the wheels fall off. Waste not. Want not. The whole bank probably talked about the "old clunker Mary drives" while standing around the water cooler.

Being transparent here...I was becoming a little embarrassed driving into my business' parking lot. I felt it didn't match what a business owner should be driving. Yet..."Waste not, want not" kept flooding my brain. And it ruled over me. Thanks, Dad. 

Side Note: Two weeks later, while at my place of business, I get a call from D. "Hey. I'm stranded on Highway 43. Could you come get me?" So now...it was time to replace HIS worn out vehicle. And we did. Because we could. By never spending foolishly...

As one might suspect, there are many stories I could share along these lines. But today, it's about coffee, clothes, and vehicles. Only snippets, for sure.

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

P.S.

We learned frugality from our parents who went through the Great Depression of 1929-1939. Well, mine did, anyway. Mom was born in 1907; Dad in 1906. They married in 1925, and started a family. A family of 10 kids, plus one tragic pregnancy loss. The Great Depression lasted through 6 of my momma's pregnancies, and one loss. My parents used the land to provide vegetables and fruit...and raised chickens, cows, & pigs for protein sources. Yes...I came from a generation of survivors. Of truth tellers. Of hard workers. Of generous people. I am in awe of their resilience. 

Do We Ever Fully Let Go?

Yesterday, our oldest daughter, our amazing (in every sense of the word) Lindsey Erin, was over for a hair color retouch, with a few defining highlights thrown randomly (with distinct strategy) throughout that beautiful, and very curly mane of hers. I do love her curls...mainly because she knows how to care for them. She understands what North Carolinas humidity does to the porosity inside those lovely locks of hers, and prepares them for long-lasting beauty. 

But, it's a comment she made that has spurred this post. "I went by a road today where new asphalt was being laid, and it took me instantly back to Silver Dollar City," she said.

Back story (there always is one, right?). When our girls were little, we would visit Branson, MO., and it's theme park, Silver Dollar City. Built over a historical cave (the Marvel Cave), the park was known for hosting major festivals from Spring through the "An Old Time Christmas" festival. It was always the highlight of our trips. Most likely because of all the aromas that greeted us as we entered the park. The enticing smells of funnel cakes and Barbecue Brisket were smells we anticipated.

This place brought many giggles and big laughs, mostly because the girls loved tricking their momma on rides that took us through surprising falls and turns where water caused riders to come out looking like drowned kittens. Still can't believe how naive I was back in the day. Maybe it was because I trusted our little connivers a bit too much. "Hey, Mom. You and Dad can ride up front. That way you won't miss all the great things to see." Haha...very funny, you little stinkers. Verrryy funny. 🫣🙄🥴😂

Then there were the roller coaster rides that brought very high pitched screams as they plummeted riders to depths, twists and turns, without a moments notice. Well...if I'm being honest, there was a small amount of "notice" as the build up of anxiety increased with each beat of the heart. As the coaster slowly chugged its way to the top of the tracks where all one could see was sky...with no way back down to earths dirt where stability lived...where one could feel grounded again, without first falling at a high rate of speed on nothing but two tracks the rider cars hung to, trusting they would keep everything connected. One can see why I rarely gave over control of my life when visiting those monsters. Right? Unless, of course, my girls looked through me, all the way into my heart, with those beautiful puppy dog eyes. UGH! Kids! 😉❤️

But, the girls and their dad...they were in heaven. Even without Mom along for the rides they couldn't convince me to go on. Oh, I DO have stories about the rides at Silver Dollar City (and other themed parks...like Six Flags Over Texas). Great memories in the face of death by choice. And those usually had at least one Anderson family member present. Do the math...

So....about Lindsey's comment on smelling newly laid asphalt. It's a memory I suppose she'll always have nestled somewhere inside a cubicle in her brain where memories live forever. We all have that place, right? Didn't God preserve it for a reason? I think so. It serves us well through the years. 

Today, she was taken back to a time of innocence. A time of fun with her parents and sister, while visiting a very intriguing theme park that had soooo much to explore. With over 40 rides and attractions, it's been named the best theme park in America! And now I'm wanting to go for a visit, again. 😏

When we least expect it, a certain smell will bring to memory days gone by. Some are comforting, and some not so comforting. It's the "not-so-comforting" we don't like re-visiting. Yet, even those can make us stronger by helping us see just how far we've come. How much we have conquered. Then the happy ones pop up to say, "Remember all the fun times you had back then?" Memories to sooth us and cause us to remember love is forever.

Closing out this post, I would ask you: Doesn't it seem as if our brains are much like a computers mother board? Never lets go of a saved memory, right? 😉😂  That's probably why they call it the "Mother" board. We never let go. Most of the time we can bring to memory the things we are searching for, much like when we type in a question for our computer to answer something we have a need to know. Am I right? 

And then, there are days if feels as if our brain is out for lunch and can't be located. It closes for business, much like a computer will, all of a sudden, produce a blank and very black screen while we're in the middle of exploring. Or worse...having just finished a document not yet saved. 🤣

love and gumption...

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

How Late Is Too Late?

I've had a few friends in my lifetime. One close friend for each season of life. Until now. 

Oh...don't get me wrong. I do have those I call friend. Some closer than others. And I do think should I truly need time with any of them, they would be here as soon as the on-going demands of life would allow. And one I could most likely empty my thoughts on and she would listen and respond with kindness purposefully tucked inside the wisdom she'd share. She may even get really serious, and say, "Mary...you've got it all wrong. You've honestly over-thought this one." Maybe. But, this friend leans more towards being compassionate, even if she would prefer setting me straight in no uncertain terms. The only thing is...she doesn't live in North Carolina.

We live far enough away from each other, there's never a time for "Can I come over for coffee," talks. Or, "What's up buttercup?" talks. There's no laughing until our sides hurt. No searching for random (mapped out & planned) garage sales to pilfer through. That really was never my thing, anyway. 

Even when my friend and I of years long past would visit those crazy garage sales I rarely enjoyed going through others throw-aways...especially when they were just thrown in boxes where one must dig through the excess. But it was always fun to be with my friend, watching as she found treasures while I drank my coffee and ate a donut we'd picked up before heading out towards the maze of sales...all while sitting inside her cozy van. She was the "crazy" one. Ready for any fun anyone might throw her way. Me? I was the more serious one. Fun stuff usually scared me more than made me laugh. We were the pair, for sure. Great memories...

But, those days are over. The years have come and gone. The time for sharing what's inside of me seems to have no outlet. It's totally my fault. I have chosen to be a recluse of sorts. I've chosen to stay close to home. Even when I do venture out to a grocery store, there are rarely plans to shop elsewhere while out and about. There is very little contact with those who walk the planet, and very little desire to. And, there-in lies the problem.

Here's what I am missing, according to Scripture, because of the choices I've made since my last close friend stepped into eternity:

• Proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother (or sister) is born for a time of adversity." (Someone to help us through the rough times in life)

• Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." (Oh boy! Is that ever true!)

• John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." (They sacrifice their time, their own needs in the moment, to meet your needs of the moment.)

• Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up." (mentally and emotionally)

• Proverbs 27:9 says, "The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." (A place of peace, in place of chaos..a safe place)

• Proverbs 18:24 says, "...there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother." (Pretty sure this one is talking about our Lord and Saviour, not necessarily a human friend...but could be).

I've never been one to accept the status quo. To just sit back and fold my hands as if there is nothing more to do. Nothing more that can be done in the time left. I've held on to whatever my life was at the time, so hard, it became difficult to release. And now...if feels as if I've allowed my hands to open enough to drop everything. Everything they've ever known to sustain life. Yet, I know that can't be true.

Why am I struggling with this season of life? It's not that I am unappreciative of what I have, nor of what God's grace has extended to me. I do love my life as it is. It doesn't have a ton of commitments, but just enough to make me feel needed (kinda...at least not replaceable). I do love my small, but comfortable home. I do love my family and hope I never have to live far from them. I even love the non-essentials of life, like my garden and the greenhouse that offers a spike in endorphins every time I walk through the door. Yet...

The transition of working, to not working, has been harder than I thought it might be. During work, I saw many people; people with different personalities, people with opposing views, people who I enjoyed visiting with and those who I shared life with.  

And now...it just feels as if I'm missing something. 🤔

Tell me...do you believe friends are necessary to have a fulfilled life?

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World. 

#myjourneyamongtheunseen #retirementwoes #friendsforlife #peaksandvalleys #lifesheartbeat #worth

 

Is It A Mountain...or Just A Bump in The Road?

Let me begin with an acknowledgement that many of you reading this, most likely don't know me, personally. In fact, I know this to be true from the stats I read on my site. So, because of that, I want you to know I realize I'm a bit hard to understand at times. I can be evasive and a bit confusing because my brain tells me to be.

My world consists (much of the time) through metaphoric murmurings. In other words, I like comparing metaphors to real life situations. Doesn't everybody? 

Even though I thought it quite evident that was what I was doing, it was brought to my attention that the reader couldn't connect the dots. Thus this preview...

Anywho...

Today, I have a new sticker that I recently purchased off Etsy. When it arrived, I immediately placed it on my (also recently purchased) laptop computer.

It says, "I've survived too many storms to be bothered by a few raindrops." And of course...this is a metaphor. Mostly. Purposefully.

Many of you know, and remember with great fondness, my sister, Becky. She was my confidant, my protector, my inspiration, for many of my earthly years. She went home in 2008, but there are days I still feel her close by. 

Today is one of those days. My new sticker brought her to mind. She probably made sure of that...if indeed those gone on can reach earth from there. We are told that nothing will hinder us, once we are there. So...possibly heaven's citizens can touch earth's? Or maybe it's just our memories of them that inspire us.

Her thing was, "Is it a mountain to climb, or just a bump in the road?" Mountains take a lot of prayer and letting go of what we hold dear...that being control. Control of any given situation. Control of what (or who) we felt needed our guidance.

Bumps in the road were things we just needed to slow down for. Things that actually required control. Control of our emotions, our desires, our dang-its.

The sticker I found on Etsy reminded me of the storms of life this almost 79 year old has experienced. Storms that required laying down her own will for that of another so that she might survive until the storm subsided. 

And then it brought my thoughts to the raindrops now falling (metaphorically) that actually feel like a storm brewing. But what we fail to realize, occasionally, is that rain can be refreshing when we allow it to be. Rain can sooth us when we begin to see its purpose. Literally and metaphorically...

Still...it might be wise to cover ourselves in prayer, and those we hold close, before the incoming weather has a chance to become something much bigger...all-the-while realizing it could just be  raindrops falling around us. A re-set of sorts. A cleansing. Not a destructive storm. 

One never knows for sure...until it plays out.

Praying continually, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Is Anything Too Hard for the Lord?

Stay with me for a short while...this one is short, but needs read in it's entirety to understand the point.

Life gets hard, even difficult to maneuver at times. It's in those moments I call to remembrance what God has promised me. 

"I will never leave you. Never forsake you." ~Hebrews 13:5 (Wherever I am, there He is!)

"I am as close as your breath." ~Genesis 2:7 (He has put His life inside my lungs, that I might truly live life to the fullest)

"All you need do is call my name and breathe me in. I give you life." ~Job 33:4 (There's no name as sweet and calming as the name of Jesus) 

We can do difficult things because of His guidance. But we must listen. That's all He asks of us. To follow the sound of His voice. Do what we know to do, and listen...

As I listened to Genesis 18 this morning, a piece of the Scripture was dropped into my heart that caused me to hit "pause" and sit for a bit thinking about it. It wasn't as strong as a full on body slam...but close.

"Is anything too hard for the Lord?" ~Genesis 18:14

Sarah, Abraham's 90 year old wife, laughed when she overheard a conversation between God (an angel of the Lord) and her husband. God had promised them a son that would usher in a lineage of people that would eventually give the world a saviour. Years ago!!! And here he comes to confirm that promise years after they were waaaayyyy too old. Honestly, I think I may have laughed, too, at that point. 

They had waited so long, Sarai (her name at the time) gave up hope of it ever happening, so decided to take matters into her own hands (we've ALL done this, right?) and do what any true Israelite would have done (even though she was Hebrew) and produced a child through a surrogate, of sorts. Her hand-maiden. That was how it was done back in the day.

As I sit here, pondering the message God was putting out there for these two; one past the age of entertaining the act of doing his part in this processes, and the other past the age of actual child bearing, it had to be a bit daunting...and even laughable. Don't you think?

And yet...is anything too hard for the Lord? 

The God of all creation, who hung the stars in space and caused the world to rotate as He filled it with life-giving creatures, plants, and vegetation? Is anything too hard for Him? Yeah...I think not.

The impossible things of life is where God does His best work! (Read that again)

In the things most difficult for us, the things we have tried so very hard to control and can't seem to make much of a difference in...there He is! THERE HE IS!!! So not a one of us can boast as to how we made things good, even great, as hard as we try. Things we have given everything for, and yet they seem to still be chaotic, at best. Unsolvable...

That's where our God steps in and says "Watch what I will do for you." ~I Samuel 12:16 

Is anything too hard for the Lord? 

Ask Him for ears to hear clearly. There may not be instant gratification, but there will be peace of mind while walking through the mire of any given situation. Just knowing He is for us...not against us, will help us to hear directions more clearly.

Breathing in His goodness, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Is Love Blind?

It's a show on Netflix. Is Love Blind flashes across the opening episode as the show begins. A "show" in the most literal terms. 

Hopeful singles prepare for a marriage partner by visiting small rooms, known as "Pods," that are sectioned off where neither participant can see the other. All they have to go on is the voice of the one they're "dating", and the words that are being said to them by the other. All to see if there could possibly be a connection of sorts. Guided mostly by feelings and blind trust. First two mistakes...

Judge me if you must, but there are times when walking in the undesirable places of this world, wisdom grows. But, when we say, "I would never do that," we are actually confirming we are better than the ones who are doing "that". And...we may be. At that time in our lives. Better, not because of who we are, but better because we have found truth. Found what gives real peace as we follow our life's journey. And it's not in the "try before you buy"...at least not in this instance.

John Bradford, a 1550's Christian martyr, said this: "There, but by the grace of God, go I." At a time when Mary (Bloody Mary) Tudor ruled England, and many were being put to death, burned at the stake, because of their Protestant faith, John was humbled when seeing so many having to die for what they believed. Yet, he too, was eventually martyred. We all are no better than the next. We've just walked different paths.

I've walked in the dust of the earth, and I've walked on freshly swept streets, so-to-speak. I have experienced both sides of dark and light. Both sides of fear and peace. I prefer peace...

So much could be said about this particular Netflix series. But, I won't. It has been some time since last indulging, because the program quickly creates an unsettled feeling inside of me. It's hard to watch these clueless people humiliate themselves...and me. Just being a part of the human race, causes me to wince just a little when watching people willingly open themselves to ridicule. 

Anyway...Is love blind?

I would say there are times we all can experience blindness, yet have sight. Season 10 just wrapped up. I stumbled upon it a few nights ago when looking for something to relax with before bedtime. I know. TV is usually a poor choice. Whether it is just a news station, or a Chicago PD show. Worst things to end a day with. But, I do. Most nights...

At the end of each season, Is Love Blind, has a Reunion segment. It was that, that I stumbled upon. My immediate thoughts were, "Hmmm...I wonder who got tricked this time," and "How bad was it?" It's the nosey side of me. If I can find someone less intelligent than myself, I win. Right? Ughhh...

Remember the statement I made in the 3rd paragraph of this post? The undesirable places creating wisdom, part? Welllll....this particular reunion of season 10 participants, struck a note in me. Can't say that has EVER happened before. One of the couples that actually made it to the marriage altar, and were thought to have a "happy ever after" life in front of them, didn't. 

Four months in and the guy leaves. His reason? "I couldn't live up to the standards required because of trust issues with her past relationships with men." She went into the relationship with binoculars. Fully expecting her worst fears to transpire. Poor guy didn't have much of a chance. And he was young, so hadn't fully understood that marriage is a selfless life. One where we give our all, and expect good things to return to us. But if they don't, we keep giving to the one we claim to love, even in the hard times. Selflessly...

And that is what hit me...

So many of us carry baggage from past relationships into new relationships, walls up and ready to engage should any appearance of possible betrayal come front and center. We listen for it. We expect it. And, I'm not saying we should totally let our guard down; past hurts and wounds are real, and we want it all behind us. Hoping there is someone who will treat us as the gift we are. (Did I hear a laugh just now?) The gift that needs cared for. The gift that needs cherished.

Trust is earned. Or is it innocent until proven guilty? Same thing, right? Let's be honest, here. We all judge. We do. How can we not? The voice of reason is loud and clear. Even when looking at a books cover, we make a judgement call most of the time. Is this book something I want to engage with? Then you open the cover and read the forward. That tells us if we should be interested, or not.

We do the same with humanity. We look at the "cover". Does it impress us? We read the forward by listening to what comes out of the mouth. That should be our first stop. How do they communicate? The way they use language is very important, in my book. The expressions they provide tell us more than most realize. I am constantly reading body language (which my husband laughs at). That's the way I approach anyone. Friend or foe.

So, yes. Innocent until proven guilty. However, the statement that came from this Is Love Blind guy, caused something inside me to take notice. Something that made me ask myself some hard questions. Something that made me ask just how hard has it been to live with me? I think I'm a pretty great gal, yet some would say Dennis has been a saint throughout our marriage. Which I've never been able to figure out. We both have had our fair share of being an instigator, and he is a great guy. But sainthood??? He works on it from time to time. And then there's me. I'm a lot. 

Still a gift from God, but a lot at times...

Being a sharpening tool, here you will find me...in Mary's World. 

#myworld #lifeasiseeit #myjourney #islovetrulyblind #innocentuntilguilty

P.S.

Love is a choice. We choose. We learn what love truly means.