In the Quiet Moments

It looks so much like the place I used to call "home" in Oklahoma. The yard just outside my study window peers in at me as I sit at my computer, preparing myself for the list of "To Do's" for the day. Many were the moments of looking out those Oklahoma windows, simply sitting and thinking. Same thing happens here, in NC, by-the-way. It's who I am. Who I want to be. The first thing my eyes always went to (and still does), were/are the trees lining the roadway. I've always loved trees.

Although there are stark similarities, it's really not like "home" much at all. Even the culture...especially the culture, is different here. Out my window here, I see two trees lining our street, the same as was in OK...just different. There's a very large Pine Tree that lives close to where we receive our daily mail. and the gynormus Jasmine Bush that has eaten the mail box and needs trimmed back...once again. Just 50 feet South of it, stands a Crepe Myrtle that produces dark pink/purple blossoms in season. But that's here, in NC. In Oklahoma, the two trees were massive Oaks. I've always loved the mighty oak trees. They spoke strength to me. Integrity. Dependability. Honor. Reverence. Respect.

At the old homestead, off Hwy. 10, there were trees I loved in our back yard, as well. The apple tree being one of them, because the blossoms it produced at the beginning of Spring, always announced it was time for all vegetation to now grow, after a long, cold, winter. It called for the production of edible things. Then in late Summer/early Fall, we got to enjoy the fruit from its branches. Neighbors would come over to fill a bag or two, so they wouldn't rot on the tree, and for the nutrition they brought to their own families. Our family was too small to eat all this tree produced, so we shared.  

As I look out this early morning, the snow I had hoped to see, now covers the ground...but as beautiful as it is, my mind takes me back to the front yard of years gone by. The yard where our children swung on the play set their daddy had built for them when our oldest was preparing to turn 4, and our youngest had barely turned 2. It was a birthday gift, knowing our youngest would also enjoy it. We could imagine years of "together play" and collected memories while watching...as we interacted with them as if we were also so young. I remember when Dennis first began the process. He did all the design work, and the building of that design, all by himself with only a few suggestions from me. Truly. I stayed out of the mans way. Shocking! I know...

It was a simple design. One that wouldn't cost a lot of money (there's always a way), yet had what we perceived to be enough to entertain and make their little hearts happy. Poles would need cemented into deep holes to stabilize the rambunctiousness of two little girls actively playing. It had two swings made from old tires that later got switched out to park-worthy swings because a neighbor read Dennis the riot act for "making those sweet little girls swing on old tires." A ladder was built to gain access to the top of the platform where the girls could just to sit a spell and read, or play make believe, or whatever their creative minds could come up with, until boredom sat in and it was time for some sliding fun. Climb the ladder and slide down to the ground by way of a very waxed up slick slide. Up, down, around and up again. Over and over they played while laughter filled the air around them.

I think the large oak tree that stood so very stately beside the swings tower must have smiled when she saw the girls coming. I know I did...

Dennis added a sand box beneath the tower, just behind the slide. Turned out to be a great little place for the girls to take a break out of the sun and play in the cool sand while Momma fixed some lunch, then joined them for stories and a bite to eat.

There were days when passersby would pull into our driveway and ask permission to take a closer look at the swing set. Some even asked if they could take measurements to replicate it. Dennis always allowed it. I'll never forget the day he decided to tear the swing set down. I struggled with the idea it would no longer be standing so stately in our yard, as the children played on, and around, it. He finally talked me into it. I had to get a grip on the fact the girls were grown and gone. There was no longer any need for it and the yard would look so much bigger without it being there. But it felt as if he was about to take down all my memories that attached themselves to it. 

Both our girls had moved to NC, and the swings sat still most days, with only the occasional gust of wind to move them. The fun had been had. And I was much too busy to ever use them myself. The swing set that had been made with love had served its purpose. I had to remind myself that change was necessary. Even important. Crazy...it still hurts to think about that day.

Memories are beautiful things if beautiful days created them. Yet, we can learn from the days that are not quite as beautiful. Still happy. Still secure, just maybe with a bit of "ugh" thrown in the mix. Our home at 64500 E. 100 Rd. provided many such memories. There were days we faced challenges, as well. Not every day was happy. Some days we all felt more stress than what we desired. And it took a lot of years of Dennis and I remaining steadfast in our covenant to love each other. Not giving up on each other. That's what we do, right? Do what we know to do, until things get better. Now that we are older...all of us...that "stick-to-it" remains intact and we are better for it. God has indeed surrounded us with his faithful love.

In the quiet moments of this early morning, reminiscing has been comforting. Looking back has its moments of gratitude, as well. Like when Meg was only 11 years old, a surprise came our way that we weren't prepared for. I am so grateful that God showed us, inspired us, how to create a space for that very unexpected, and very generous gift. I've already written a blog about that, so won't belabor it now. I'll just say that was possibly our biggest "figure it out" challenge ever. Yet we made it work. And it was just what the doctor ordered for that time.

Nor will I ever forget the day we returned home from moving Lindsey to NC. She had cleaned up her room, being the thorough girl she's always been, but didn't take the time to remove the nails that held pictures on the walls, which she apologized for. She was my decorator girl. Our visionary. Every 3 months, her room changed. I was always in awe. Still am. I had gone in the kitchen to start some dinner when I heard his loud, mournful cry coming from the room Lindsey had always claimed as her space...until that day. The space she created from her heart and delft hands was now empty. Only the 4 walls, with more than a few nails in them, was what was left. Yet, one could still feel part of her there. There, but not there. A truly awful feeling.

I went to the room and found Dennis, with hands on knees, bent over crying his eyes out. I don't think I'd ever seen him like that before then, nor since. It was our first born's room, now dismantled, and he had the job of removing all the nails where her pictures once hung. It was a sacred moment. He knew the nails needed to come out, but she had put them there. Oh man....just remembering that day has brought me to tears.

There are other events that have caused extreme crying, as well. For me, anyway. When our Meg decided it was time to fly the coup, was another time it felt as if our hearts were being ripped right out of our chests. One would think life was over for us, even though she hadn't moved to NC...yet. So, still within reach if she needed us. But far enough away to be outside our immediate protection. It's something all parents feel, I'm pretty sure.
 

The thing is, we were never meant to keep our daughters forever. They were never meant to live with us as adults. We knew that. But those strings got tight as we protected and guided. Short story, we got a bit attached to them, ya know.

Now the girls are women with their own families, making their own memories. Oh, we're still a very large part of their lives, but they do have lives to live outside of mine and their dad's. It's as it should be. They still need us...just not in the same capacity, the same dynamic, as when they were small and becoming who they were designed to be. And now...we live "just down the road" from them. Easy access...should they allow it. 🤣

The years have come and gone, and the memories gathered so many years ago are a treasure to me...especially in the quiet moments of this season of life. So many comforting memories. But, not all memories need to resurface. Some memories I have to just let go of. They don't serve anyone, certainly not me. All families have those, right? Not sure I would believe you if you said you didn't. We all make mistakes we wish we could go back and do over. But even then...would we? 

Even those memories had a purpose, I suppose. At least it's what I tell myself. I try to just lay them down because I can't change the past. But I can orchestrate my future, to a degree. I do know the only person I can change is myself. And that's plenty of work.

One last thought:

I can feel myself changing. Crazy, right? Even though I have liked who I was (mostly) over the years of morphing into what I'm still becoming, it feels as if it's all really brand new. Not a do-over. Brand new. Admittedly, it's difficult, on occasion..I still push against some of the changes happening. Yet, nothing worth having is EVER easy. And I have a great chorus of encouragement that comes mainly from those beautiful creatures God gifted us with many years ago. To have and to hold...as long as breath remains.

Forever grateful, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

#lifeissues #godsdesign #quietmoments #oureverchangingworld #ourgirlsourloves 

Serious Me

It's been a journey...being me. My nature is one of seriousness, mostly. I see through the eyes of deciphering truth of any given situation, which makes me not the most fun person to be around. I've never been accused of being the life of any party.

"A conspiracy theory person" my husband claims me to be. He has encouraged me to write a book on it, saying it would be a best seller.  I think he was being sarcastic at the time. Or was he? 🤔

Our oldest daughter usually comes to see us on Sunday afternoons, with our "Little Bit", better known as Warner Annabelle, tagging along. We look forward to those days, knowing when they leave we will feel at least 10 years younger just because of the laughs during conversations. 

Our youngest daughter, and "Snookums", better known as Reagan Paige, joins us every other Sunday. Having all my girls in our home at the same time, gives me purpose, energy, and a full heart. It's the lightest my heart feels as the energy created builds in our small abode. I smile more on these days than I do all week long. 

Because, eventually, the serious nature finds its way out from behind the closed door it hides behind when our littles are present. 

Most of my life I have tried to be funny. It rarely happens. Probably because it's forced. BUT!!! I do have my moments though rare. One accidentally popped up this last Saturday, before the winter ice storm was about to hit our southern state.

Lindsey and Little Bit decided to drop by Saturday to test out a couple of Walkie-Talkies for emergency use should we need it. Always making sure those in her realm of living are taken care of, this was necessary for her. Peace of mind is important. She comes by it honestly, and since the ice storm was positioned to arrive late that evening, she wouldn't be able to come on Sunday....

Anyway, Annabelle got bored pretty quickly since the adults were "talking shop", and her cousin Reagan was at her dad's house, she retired to the living room couch with her iPad. After asking Grams for a blanket, she settled in. I love this kid! She already has the ability to assess a situation and decide a course of action that best serves her needs in the moment. #lifeskills

As the testing of the Walkie-Talkies ended, and Linds was preparing to leave, she told us she had offered their home to the neighbors on her street should they lose power, and need warmth, a shower, etc., since they had a generator that kicks in instantly should power go out. Much like the hospitals do, I would assume.

I made a simple observation about what a great human she is. So kind to others. She smiled and said, "Just working on my karma." To which I replied, "I'm a bit concerned about MY karma. It's not looking so good." She and DW got a kick out of that and didn't let the moment pass without a reaction. "Maybe you could borrow some of Dad's," she said with a huge smile. And, of course, Dennis jumped on the train before it left the tracks. "Yeah! I'll share mine with you. I have plenty!" Aren't they cute...🙄🤣

I think Erin (aka/Lindsey) got her wit from her Aunt Becky...they were always a team that navigated sarcasm well. 🤣🤣🤣

Bottom line? I know I'm loved by them. Serious, or not. Also, wouldn't it be a boring world if we all had the same nature? And...I kinda love being a serious person. Yet...I can be light-hearted when needed. I think...🤣

Tell me...what about you, does your family laugh at/with?

If you need a serious answer, to anything, here you will find me...in Mary's World. 

#myjourney #lifeissues #myworld #happyheart #mybeautifulfamily 

 

Celebrating the Inspiring Human(s) Of This World

There are days when it is easier to complain than it is to see the good in the world. It's easy to see the unrest, the confusion of mankind, the anger that builds up in those who feel lost and alone, especially if they listen day after day to the social media's narratives. And, trust me, most of it IS a narrative. The more "journalists" can add drama to their reporting, creating more views...which translate into you get to keep your job for another day.

It's equally easier to cave and just go ahead and say you're getting old. You know of what I speak. Reality is reality. Well...for some, reality is reality. Sad to say (here comes Debbie Downer), it appears brain-washing is at an all time high. But that's not what this blog is about. That is reserved (possibly when I'm feeling all washed up 😉), for another day. Where did this thought come from? 🤷‍♀️

However, it does seem as if I am reaching for my CBD achy, breaky, cream, more times than usual, these days. Mostly when the weather shifts and those cold and cloudy days (that I LOVE), are on the horizon heading straight my way. 👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼 My back hurts, my head hurts, my wrists hurt, and NOW I've noticed my left hip has joined the ever growing crowd. But, I'm a trooper. I pretend I'm not a day older than 35, when I still had decent hormone and metabolism levels, and could work circles around most that lived in my world. So far, that pretense isn't working so well. My brain has a new commander-in-chief, known as "the rest of the story;" the body it used to command is now in charge.

Only Dennis gets to hear how much I ache, and "guess I'm going to down a couple of Tylenol and take to the bed...again"only because he lives in the same house as I do. That happened just last evening and by 7:30 PM I was sound asleep. At least that was the last time I noticed the time, and Dennis said I was asleep when he came in to use the privy. Also, when I woke at 1:30 AM, I noticed a couple of text messages a friend sent at 8:06 PM that didn't wake me. This very light sleeper was OUT! So sorry, friend. I was here, just not ALL here.

And, again...that is NOT what this blog is about! Good grief. I do get down the many rabbit trails. Dennis and I were talking (well, I was talking...D was listening...I think), just a couple of days ago how very complex my brain wiring is. It bores quickly with the subject at hand and jumps to something entirely off the subject, but has been inspired BY the subject. See what I mean? Many times I even forget what I'm talking about. Like now. It's why I don't like to be interrupted. If I lose my train of thought, well, you know. Go figure.

Soooo...if you are still reading, here's the real reason my fingers are busy brushing keystrokes this early morn. I ventured out, yesterday (no, this isn't it either...first the distracted thought). It's been at least 3 weeks, possibly 4, that I've gone to the grocery store. When we run out of something, DW just runs up the road (about a half mile away), and picks up what we need for the next couple of days. That has been a huge pivot for me. It was my job to "bring home the bacon"...and whatever else we needed to maintain a normal household. Routine has changed. Drastically changed...but he rarely complains. And then, it's usually through body language only, no verbal despair.

I could have just written a post on FB about how uplifting it was to encounter a young person that looked at peace, instead of indifference, where it says, "What's on your mind, Mary?" But, nope. I felt it necessary to document ever little thought zipping through my mind, probably because I went to bed way too early and woke way too early. And THAT takes a blog post. 

Here's what you've been waiting for. Hopefully. 

Anytime I go to a brick and mortar store, it is very rare to find an employee that not only is kind and thoughtful, but also has a very pleasant persona. One that seems confident in who they are and why they are there. One who recognizes they are not the only person walking this planet and there may be other needs outside their own that should they be willing to help, might give them more self-worth. A sense of being needed. Which we all need. Or just because they love giving of themselves.

I was looking for something I couldn't find when I came up to a young man gathering groceries, and such, for the most of humanity in our area (it would seem...huge cart). Those who just don't want to go inside to do their own shopping. I get it! That's where the germs are from sick people, gross kiddos (or adults), and none of them caring what you think. I don't like going in, either. But the need to see, and feel, especially the produce I want, is stronger than not wanting to go inside. 

Anyway...this young man stopped what he was doing, without a trace of annoyance. He was so accommodating, I just wanted to hug him! He not only looked it up for me on his little phone thingy, but he stopped what he was doing and TOOK ME THERE!!! It was on a shelf I probably could have reached, but he grabbed it for me and asked if it would work for what I needed. There were several other designs on the shelf, and not wanting to take anymore of his time, I just said, "I'll look these over and surely one will work. Thank you, so much! I do appreciate you." He smiled and said, "Okay. Thanks." Then went on his way to complete the orders he was pulling when I intruded upon him.

I don't think a minute had passed before I saw him coming my way with another style of the item I was looking for, that he had found on a shelf 3 isles away. He brought it my way, I am convinced, because he actually listened to what I had said. That being the comment of how big the other item was and I didn't have a lot of storage space. He had found one, half the size of the first, and thought it might work better for me. THIS is what I call customer service! A busy employee, taking the time for an in-person customer.

This young man gave me hope for the next generation who will be running this oft times mixed up world where right is wrong, and wrong is right. I rarely get anyone that is willing to look me in the eye when (and if) I get a response. They might take the time to point in the direction of an aisle 150 feet away and say, "It's over there." Okay. Great. That should cut my time by possibly 30 seconds, if the Gods smile on me.

And THAT is what my inspiration for today's blog was all about. You just got a bit more insight into my world. My thoughts. My ramblings. Scattered as they may be. Tis me...

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

P.S.

There's a possibility of SNOW, tomorrow!!! Whoop! 

Am I Morphing?

I'm just going to lay it out here...

There are days I wonder if change is happening in more places than I ever dreamed it would. For instance: I allowed myself to leave the house this morning, with plans to meet up with someone I had never met before today, and then to swing by Triangle Vision (where the people are), without "fixing" my hair. Oh sure...I brushed it (not a total slob...yet); and I did attempt a quick face glow. Threw on an old blouse and a comfy jean, then added my Hike footwear. THOSE, I never leave home without. I pay the price if I do... 🥴

Over the last few months, it appears as if the "I don't care" part of my brain is morphing/demanding actually, a much larger than I ever expected space. I've been told to loosen up on more than one occasion, and now that I've allowed myself to do just that, it may be time to rein it in a bit. 🤷‍♀️ Retirement allows one to do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to. That can be a good thing...or a not-so-good thing, depending on how well one transitions from the demands of business, to virtually NO demands. Well, there are a few, but...

Years ago, once Dennis became weary of watching me say "yes" to every request of my time, and as he watched me become more and more tense, he informed me it was okay to rest. I took those words literally, and even though it has taken years to allow it to become more of a reality, I imagine he is now regretting those words. 😂 Hold on, Buttercup! The best is yet to come...

It's been awhile back, but I remember a conversation I had with our girls. It went something like this, "Mom! Let's GO!" To which I responded, "When I stop caring how I look, that's when you should start to worry." Well, girls...that time has come. Partially...(not a total slob...yet, remember?) I do still worry that someone will stop by and see me in all my laid-back beauty. It would serve them right, though, since I wasn't alerted of their intentions. 

And just so you'll know, when I'm home, I'm home. Queen of my castle. Where the "wear what makes you comfortable" vibe is the rule of said castle. No make-up, no "fixing up". Why should one do all that work if they only have walls to impress? Oh wait. DW is still hanging out here, but he matches my look, so...not too worried there. We try to out-do each other, if ya know what I mean. 😁 

But...he REALLY doesn't care. I guess one might say he's a bit freer than I am, making him fit right in at our local grocery store. And it appears that it won't be long before I do as well...

Such an interesting saga...

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World. Repurposing myself...

Warriors

 

Most who have known me for any length of time will tell you I am a bit stand-offish. Hard to get to know. Opinionated (aren't we all)? They will say I keep to myself more than I join in. A loner, of sorts. 

Yet...I have been a business owner most of my adult life, where one must be approachable, kind, understanding, and welcoming. I suppose what others mean is that once the day has ended, I disappear. And they wouldn't be wrong. I've never felt that I "fit in". Never really wanted to. Even when attending important business training events (I've always loved learning new things), it was only for what I could absorb worthy of my profession, and...for experiencing humanity. I do love people and listening to their life's story. I do enjoy being where they are, for a time. I'm just not interested in large get-togethers. Ironically, that's where the people are. So, maybe I have some work still needing done. I think we're running out of time...

It's always been my opinion that it's easy to fit in, if one really wants to. What is hard, is to be who God created us to be, while in the mix of living life. We fight against being "different" while the pull inside is to bow our will to that of the Father's, so that we might become warriors for the kingdom. Warriors that are willing to follow Christ, without needed accolades and fear of opposition. 

We don't recognize it to be our life's calling until much later in life, unless we have been given permission, as a child, to listen to the rhythm of the heart, where warrior-hood was embedded while our form was being knit together inside our mother's womb. Unless we have been trained to wait patiently, as maturity grows from listening to the holy spirits call, we will become followers of whatever is popular at the moment.

'Tis true...the heart can be deceptive and lead us down a path of ease. It will tell us we can have whatever we want. And just like every lie, there is a thread of truth that runs throughout it. We CAN have whatever we want. We can have strength, or we can have passivity. We can follow the lessons taught by the greatest of all teachers, or we can follow the path that many travel. The easy way. The way of least confrontation, least resistance. We can "just go with the flow" or we can stand up for truth, welcoming the fight...the road less traveled. 

Something to remember: Warriors train for battle. Warriors prepare for loneliness. Warriors know there will be days of resistance. Want to become a warrior?

Then allow inner strength and growth to happen, never giving in to violence or selfishness. Selfishness is a broad term and has many faces. To be self-centered is to think of oneself only, rarely (if ever) acknowledging others needs beyond your own. It protects itself. Yet, warriors are purpose-driven, resilient, and disciplined every day. Continually improving by learning, and pushing beyond their limits. They deny the urge to give up when life becomes hard. And they are ever mindful of others needs beyond their own.

Being a warrior is about becoming the builder of our destiny, by embracing challenges as opportunities for growth, as we train our mind and body. Maintaining honor and integrity.

King Solomon reminded us that God appoints each moment, bringing a mix of joy and sorrow, life and death, with a divinely chosen purpose for each. But...while in the mix of life, we all have been given the choice to follow the path of least resistance (the road many choose), or the road less traveled; where battles must be fought to survive. Where becoming a warrior is necessary. We can travel whichever direction we choose. Just know they both have battles to be won...or lost. In this world, we will have problems, no matter which path we choose to walk. The difference will be between those of us who crumble under the weight, and those who see past the storm and forge ahead.

The question we must ask ourselves is, do we sit with folded hands, refusing to do battle for those we love? Or do we take up the sword of truth and do the spiritual warfare we have been asked to do? The path most often taken is one where truth has become murky. "There's more than one way to the Father," is one of the biggest deceptions out there. There's "your" truth (again a bit of truth in this lie...because we must choose), and then there is the ONLY truth. Which is knowing right from wrong. Something is either true, or it's false. Only one truth. And I think most of humanity knows where to find it.

Becoming a warrior is not for everyone. But it is for anyone...

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World. 

#myjourneyamongtheunseen #lifeissues #theforgottenway #takeupyourcross 

  

Open the Eyes of My Heart

Have you ever felt as though you were walking through life with a blindfold on? Feeling mostly empty? Only existing, having no real purpose or vision for what your life could be...should be? That was me, some 52 years ago.

Soon after realizing I was truly void of anything that gave life to my days, and then relinquishing my rights to myself, one of my favorite songs quickly became, "Open the Eyes of My Heart" written by Michael W. Smith. The basics of the song was repetition of these words:

 Open the eyes of my heart, Lord

Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

To see you high and lifted up
Shining in the light of Your glory
Pour out Your power and love
As we sing holy, holy, holy

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You

I want to see You

Amazing Grace was another one of my favorites as a very young Christian (at 27 years of age), written by John Newton. 

"Amazing Grace. How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see. 'Twas grace that caused my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed." 

I could feel the lyrics as they filled me up. It's as if I became one with them. The words from these 2 songs gave me strength to transition from darkness to light. As bad as living in darkness is, if it's your life, it's hard to let it go. Familiar territory is at the very least...familiar. The unknown can be de-stabilizing, cause loss of "friends", and turning your back on what you've known for so long. Even when it is a frightening existence. At least it's YOUR frightening existence.

I knew something had to change. Once I gave up...once I had gotten to the end of that proverbial rope, I begged God not to forget about me. Not to leave me, now. Even though I had turned my back towards him, I desperately needed Him not to turn His back towards me. Trustworthy. Faithful. Omnipresent God. The God of my fathers, who I really didn't know. I knew about him from all the teachings I had sat under; from the everyday Scripture readings and prayers offered, being raised in a pastors home...yet...I didn't know him.

As I began the journey on this new, and very narrow path, I realized tunnel vision was something I needed to keep the distracting forces of yesteryear from pulling me back into the abyss as flash-backs popped into my mind, without invitation. I needed focus. Both of those songs kept me grounded and would instantly bring tears of gratitude to my eyes as the music played and the spirit made alive. One might say they were the building blocks of my new found faith in God, the Father...Jesus, the Son...and the Holy Spirit. Something we, as human beings, as spiritual people having an earthly/human experience, need. 

Removing the distractions was a must in those early years of denying myself while God restored my innermost being. What a journey it's been!

When I glanced at the clock this morning, it read 4:44. My first thought was, "Wow! I actually had a full nights rest!" The next thought was, "Hmmmm...the number 4 (in the Bible) refers to creation, earth, stability. God's order and his presence in the world, and being ready for whatever His plans may be. Completion." I took this as instruction from the One who truly cares, who loves unconditionally, who guides those who listen...as a reminder from whence I came.  

Then...I looked at my day planner. Wanna know what I had written down several days ago in the notes section for the beginning of 2026? 

"Prayer for 2026: Open our eyes LORD, that we may see. Ephesians 1:18. 2 Kings 6:17"

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

"Nobody Is Coming For You, Mary"

These words, spoken by a client/friend, settled ever so gently into my spirit. They were intended to calm, to validate, and to assure me. She and I were talking about my husbands upcoming trip to Missouri. The trip I never, ever, look forward to. He gets so excited about the trip, never concerned about what it might mean to me. He knows I'll be okay and just chooses not to worry about it. Too much to look forward to, I suppose. His family loves seeing him and they make sure any family member within a 100 mile radius, knows Dennis is coming in for a visit. I'm happy he gets the opportunity. Time sweeps us off our feet much too quickly. It's just a time I must do battle. Alone.

Without going into too much information, I have struggled with safety issues most of my life. Fear of the unknown (and sometimes the known), admittedly, has held me much too tightly in its grip. The swiftness of my feet, and the strength of my legs, have helped me escaped more situations over my lifetime, than I care to admit. But now that I'm older; now that I'm in the "twilight years" of my life, I'm not so quick. Stealthy? Yes! Still very watchful. Not much escapes my sight. For that I am thankful. 

Since my retirement 7 months ago, I find myself understanding my friends words even more. There have been moments in my life when someone has spoken much harsher words; words that felt unjust, but have lingered inside me...for my good, actually. Words that made me sit up and take notice. Much like, "Hey! You're not listening! Pay attention!" Those particular words weren't spoken. It's just how they made me feel in the moment. And I did take notice.

But now, these new words have taken on a slightly different meaning for me. I know my husband loves me. I know my kiddos (adult ones & little ones), love me as well. Yet, everyone has their own life to live. And the old man that lives with me (his old lady), gets glassy eyed within a few seconds of me sharing anything that doesn't immediately catch his questioning/might-be-interested mind. So, I tire of wanting to share. And I walk away. Alone. But not alone. He's here. I know that. That's comforting. Still, no one to talk with at any given time my brain comes alive with "news." 

No one is coming for me. And I have a LOT of pent up words needing an avenue to be released upon. Most likely why there is a deficit of bodies with listening ears available to listen...

Anyway...I've said it more than once. Ones happiness cannot depend on others. One must create their own happiness. Not to be confused with joy. Joy remains, regardless of what "mood" one may find themselves to be in. Joy remains in spite of circumstantial evidence. Sadness and lonely feelings come around to lock us down. They show themselves when one doesn't take the time to cherish life. To count their blessings. To acknowledge the grace they live in. To enjoy the moments of solitude they've been given. The moments of quietness. And I get that...

Synopsis: I think I just need 15-30 minutes of communication daily...or weekly. We could negotiate that. This could be a New Year's goal. 😁

As always, here you will find me (watching the steam come from my tea pot)...in Mary's World.