When Life Presents Struggles You Didn't See Coming

Life has its hurdles...

No one is exempt from experiencing the pain of missing someone; at some point in our lives, we'll all experience loss in one form or another.

I have lived a long life and now find myself to be closing in on the finish line. I have regrets. I have had times of surrender, and times of refusal to surrender. I've had times of not knowing exactly what surrender would look like...or even if it was a requirement in order to live a life where peace was even remotely possible.

For the most part, my adult life has provided me freedom to follow my hearts desire. I became accustom to that solid foundation, knowing I was respected and had the assurance of being trusted. Yet, as time disappears, it occasionally feels as if that doorway to freedom is quietly closing shut. I have begun to notice it happening more frequently now, and I'm feeling a bit trapped with no visible exit strategy...no hope of change. I can't envision it getting better. Only worse as time evolves.

I'm a runner.

The fight or flight reflex has been strong inside me since I was 9 years old, and has only gotten stronger as age over-takes me. Fear became a cautionary tale, early in life, as it consumed me. My triggers are many...

Looking back, if I could tell my younger self anything, it would be, "Be bold. Stand your ground. Refuse mediocrity and those who would try to control you."

Running is only good when you're in danger. Mentally, or physically. Running, however, creates enough fear where it's hard, if even possible, to ever trust another person fully. Running will make sure you never have a natural foundation to build upon. Running creates loneliness. Because runners are without family. 

There are different ways to run, however.

The mental way is just as entrapping as the physical one. "Choose your poison," it's been said. Running mentally embeds fear that grips your thoughts and pulls every negative "what if" inside your thinking. Peace can't be found there when all that commotion is happening.

I know why people want to feel wind beneath their feet. Why freedom is so important.

• Free of demands
• Free of expectations
• Free to live 
• Free to be themselves
• Free to make their own choices
• Free

I realize such a desire may sound selfish. It may sound as if I want to shirk responsibilities. To not care about anyone other than myself. I do realize that.

But you would be wrong to think that is what I want. I love responsibilities. I love being wanted, needed, useful, and having purpose. I love a solid foundation. I love being seen by those I care the most about.

What it does mean, is that I must be free to come and go as I please without being weighted down with what anyone else may think of my choices as to where I go and how I should divide what time I have available to me.

If I have only 3 days to visit family I haven't seen for 10 years, I need to not have quilt laid on me because I don't want to take away from the only time I have for family (most likely to never see them again this side of heaven), and use it for being somewhere I don't want to be. And if I don't agree, tension mounts, triggers begin going off, and my fight or flight kicks in as my body responds internally. 

Danger signals spark inside me telling me this night will be a restless one. Don't fall asleep. Stay alert.

Even though there really is no need for all this to be happening, the small signals that trigger memories find their way in. And the mountain that has presented itself (again), I have to climb (again). And I am weary of it.

The most tiring of all? It's always my fault. "Why are you like this?" I'm so weary of hearing that phrase. It's as if their own words thrown out is not the problem. As if their expectations are more important than the very reason I need to focus on one geographic area. Not three. 

Whatever happened to kindness? Why are we kind to perfect strangers (or friends), but not to those we claim to love? To those we have vowed to cherish above anyone else. Other than God of course...

What has become of reason?  

Runner? Only in my mind. I'm faithful, if nothing else. My feet stay because I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I stay because I would never intentionally hurt those I love. I stay because I know my fears. I know where they come from. And I know my triggers. 

They will follow me, no matter where I find myself to be.

But so will God...

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Sleep Doesn't Come Easy These Days...

When the girls were small, it was a given.

I expected to be up every 2 hours with one, or the other, of them. Raising little people took devotion, and I was up for it. Literally...

Ah...those were the days. The days may have been full (to say the least), but the nights were reserved for them. Making sure their dreams were as calm and peaceful, as possible. 

I was tired some mornings. But as soon as my feet hit the floor, it was time for the adrenaline to perk me up. And it did. There may have been a morning (or two...or ten) stretched out in betwixt the many, that the grumpy came for a visit. We won't talk about those. Focus now. Good memories only...

That's when Dad had to bring his A game. It was only fair, right? Since he was the only one that seemed to sleep the entire night, I figured it was his turn. The rested one...until he met the walking dead, where the one with less sleep was having a hard time filtering what the most important service needed at the moment, actually was.

Years gone by...

And, here I sit, at my lonely computer...smack dab in the middle of the night. Again...

Earlier...somewhere around 1:45-2:00 AM, I had gotten up to visit the water closet/aka/bathroom. The water appeared to be as tired as I was, giving very little pressure. Toilet flushed just fine, but refused to refill immediately, like it's suppose to. Hmmmm...

I tried the lavatory. Same. No pressure...small, narrow stream at best. Hummmm...I need sleep. Not "now what?"

So...being the savvy elderly person that I am, I asked the ever present AI that sits ready, willing, and able, to answer any and all questions. Not necessarily correctly...but none-the-less, answers are quickly delivered. 

At the end of the conversation I was directed to call 311 "Right NOW!" Then I was instructed to "get some rest." Confused as to what I should do, I just went back to bed. I didn't call, nor did I get some rest. I tried. But my ever active brain said, "Not on my watch! You've been up more than 2 minutes...get busy!"

Ignoring the demands, I gave my body fifteen minutes to follow the instructions of getting some rest, ignoring the first instruction to call 311. I then decided sleep was not in the cards for me, so I got back up. My eyes are heavy, but...

I knew my trusty computer was an option to help me become more tired, so here I am. Fingers moving, brain slowing a bit...just not there yet. Late night charging stations are clearly shut down, so why am I even trying? Clueless...

I did get some work done in my day planner. Got a few more descriptive stickers stuck on this weeks agenda. Too much writing without the distraction of pretty stickers just isn't fair. And it's decently boring. So, peel and stick...

Got a couple of posts scheduled for my Facebook Group, Ageless Hair Secrets. Monday's "If You Were In My Chair" is ready to go (later this morning...about 3 hours aways now), and Tuesday's "Chair Side Secret #5, is ready as well. Both scheduled for 7 AM on their proper day.

Gotta think about the upcoming video I promised for Wednesday, but I truly don't want to at the moment. That would take real concentrated effort and my spunk hasn't quite arrived...but I do know what it's going to be about. That's something. Right?

And just so you know, because I know you're wondering (those of you who know me, anyway), I HAVE started Fall Decorations! The totes have been positioned, and already removed...back to their waiting place, for once this season has carried us into the next. Then the totes will come back out, fall deco stored safely for next year, and Winter's Christmas totes (they are many) will show themselves for my hands and my heart to make our living space(s) look like Santa flung everything he had at our house.

This year feels a little different, though. I'm not entirely sure how crazy I'll get this year with decorating. Years at the salon created a decorating monster in me. But, as the years goes by, and now that I'm retired from working the salon, the days now seem reserved for only 2 people. Not sure how much pull just the two of us has on an aging body. It's still fun once we get into it. Just getting into it is the thing. 😂

And Christmas Eve is always fun at our house. 

Did I just jump to Christmas? Afraid so. It's how my brain works. Jump. Jump. Jump. The weeks of preparing for our family gathering during the holidays is the highlight of our year. Just being a part of the hustle and bustle of the season...with twinkling lights lining roadways and homes, stores sharing all kinds of ideas to create family memories, and our littles faces when they stop by, makes this heart so very full and happy. 

They are the ones who bring this house to life. Especially while playing games on Christmas Eve where everybody wins something, but the big prize goes to only one. Their energy creates a full heart in this Grams of theirs. And Gramps. He loves it to...

We wrap up the evening by preparing white paper bags, filling them with sand and candles, organizing them every 5' along the roadside, and finally lighting the luminaria. We love how they light up the neighborhood...especially when neighbors set some out, as well. It's a great ending to a fun filled evening. And I always hope for cold weather...

Hopefully, it's a memory we all will cherish "for as long as we shall live."

They are growing up way too fast! I think we need more babies to fill this house again! 😬🤩😁

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

 

Confessions of A True Romantic...OR...The Night the Lights Went Out in Cary

I must admit...last night was pretty special for me.

We had experienced a power outage that had affected approximately 1860 households. Any form of power received from a power grid, ceased to exist for us at 2:25 PM, with the notice of expected restoration sometime between the hours of 5:30 and 6:30 PM. 

Okay. Not tooooo bad...

Still, it was stretching the time for refrigerated items to remain safe. No worries about the frozen.

At 5:46 PM, we received another message that now we were looking at having no power until 8:30...possibly 9:30 PM. 

Every electronic piece of equipment we owned was rebelling at this point. 

Per instructions from our first born, we turned off access to our WiFi, even though it was no longer connected because of the power outage. Who knew?

An old dog learned a new trick last night. Who wudda thunk? That actually worked! At least I could now get a bit more information from the world wide web...that's important, ya know. 😉😂 Still, my GPS wasn't working as I wanted it to (I always do a search to see where my family is during any "crisis").

It threw me off...by a long-shot!!!

Our Lindsey sent a text: "Sure wish you guys had a generator."

Dennis: "We do."

Me: "WHAT?! I TOTALLY FORGOT WE HAVE A GENERATOR! Why isn't that thing plugged in?"

Dennis: "Well, it won't help the AC...but we can plug a fan into it." 

(MEMO: Not once had I complained about not having an AC...We never really needed it during the entire time we were without it's cooling power house...6 hours!)

Me: "What about the refrigerator?"

Dennis: "Yeah. We could plug the refrigerator in."

Good grief...maybe he thought we wouldn't actually need it because Duke Energy had said only 2-3 hours without power. 🤷‍♀️ That turned into SIX. Must have been a doozie! Poor workers...

Dennis pulled out the generator and we both got to work getting it doing its magic. Keeping it safely outside, we had to open a window to shimmy the cord inside...then plug the opening with towels to keep the hot outside air, out, where it belonged. Outside...

Time to generate!!!

Instead of 6 candles on the dining room table, we now had a lamp that we could have used a long time ago...just sayin'. 

I came here to say this:

• The quiet house was nice.
• Dennis and I working together on something...was nice.
• Dennis sitting across the table, playing with a stack of cards...was nice.
• Noise from the TV, non-existent...was nice.
• Refrigerator humming, in spite of a power outage (food saved without having to pack a container with ice & food)...was nice.
• Being in the same room with Dennis...was nice.

By 8:16 the repairs were complete and life sprang back into "normalcy." That was nice, too...but I did enjoy the down time. Actually started re-reading a book that I had started 3 other times (only because I'd forget what happened before laying it down), but strained to see the words as the light of day got dimmer and dimmer, which made me sleepy. Down it went for another day.

Still..I really am a true romantic.

According to my AI friend, that is defined as someone who deeply values emotional honesty, vulnerability, and intentional selfless acts of affection rather than just superficial or material gestures. Yep. That's me...

I love:  

• Spending time together (laced with kindness...of course)...more valuable to me than expensive presents.
• Acts of kindness...like rubbing my feet when I don't feel so good, matter more to me than never making time to simply sit together.
• Truly loving...in spite of ones flaws,  
  

Here's what I want you to take away from this short blog post:

The lack of noise...the quiet stillness during the power outage, was nice. 

You might want to read that again....or not. 😉

Grateful for the reprieve...here you will find me...in Mary's World

Where the Shadows Linger

There is a distinct, quiet magic that returns to this room when the calendar finally turns to the cooler months. Sitting at my desk in the stillness of the early morning, I watched the first condensation of the season bloom across the outside of the window panes—a soft, silver veil signaling the arrival of the weather I love most. 

Looking past the glass, the yard is still a collection of shadowy, half-formed silhouettes waking up to the chill, a beautiful contrast to the soft and comforting blanket of coziness that instantly wraps around me the moment the air turns crisp. 

It is early, quiet, and absolutely perfect; a gentle reminder of why we wait all year for these days to arrive.

Living in North Carolina, however, longing for the season I love most, the air seems to filter back and forth through the onslaught of Fall. It's most easily compared to a battle of one against the other. As if the hot, sweltering days of Summer refuses to release it's grip on earth's atmosphere, while the soft, cool and very inviting winds of change entice even the hottest of days.

And as I sit here, watching the shadows deepen across the yard from my desk, I realize how much comfort there is in this transition. Nature never fights the turning of the calendar; it simply leans into the quiet, cool spaces. Change is coming, whether we feel entirely ready or not, and there is a distinct magic in letting it happen. 

☕️ I’m trading my iced coffee for a warm mug, watching the weather patterns transform as they remind me of the coming of comfort...as I happily welcome everything this new season has to offer.

Watching...as the shadows linger, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

It's 3 AM...

There are some nights I get plenty of rest. Some nights are interrupted with dreams that keep me up for the rest of the day.

I wouldn't say they are tormenting dreams. They do have the potential to do just that, however. If I don't settle myself. This morning, I knew my over-active brain was going to put a spin on this dream, simply because it's one of my deep seated fears that give reign to my spin abilities.  

And if you know me, even just a little bit, you also know I go into over-drive pretty easily. Especially if the situation deems it an imagination that has the potential of becoming a reality. 

And then...God inserted a song into my soul, by way of the very over-active brain in my head. It needed a reminder. And it began to play... 

I love You, Lord
Oh, Your mercy never fails me
All my days, I've been held in Your hands  (He reminds me of this from time to time...)
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire  (Oh boy. Has He ever! We all have our fires, don't we?)
And in darkest night You are close like no other
I've known You as a Father
I've known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God, yeah

And all my life You have been faithful, oh
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God, yeah

'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me (All we need do is open our eyes to see this truth)
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me, oh-oh
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it keeps running after me

And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God
I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna sing
Oh, 'cause
'Cause all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God

One of the most comforting things God has ever spoken to me, came at a time I was facing what looked to me, to be too much uncertainty. No vision of what the next few years would look like. I had no trouble conjuring up what they COULD look like...and therein was the problem. 

The words were clear. There was no question where they came from. And they settled me. 

"Wherever you find yourself to be...I will be there."

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

What Can Happen in A Second...

I swear I just closed these blinds to shut out any remaining light from the day. I roll myself into bed, snuggle down and dream of whatever my sub-conscience has deemed worthy to latch onto.

But now...Now, I am opening those same blinds once again. The night went fast and another day has dawned.

In only a few hours, I'll be doing this rote action all over again. And I'll be thinking the same thing. "I just opened these blinds a short while ago."

Same thing when undoing, and making up, the bed. It feels as if I was just standing in this spot not that long ago. And yet the time has past and I grow ever older...

The hours are made up of minutes. The minutes made up of seconds.

Have you ever stood still and just watched the seconds tic off? Some might say, "Why would I ever waste time like that?" To me...the time isn't wasted when if puts ones life in perspective, where once it was all over the place. Floating through life as if those seconds had never existed.

If for no other reason, one should watch the seconds tic off at least once in their brief time here. A fresh appreciation for time granted you, will suddenly erupt inside a once sleeping brain.

Appreciation. Gratefulness. Awareness. 

Not so we could just cram more into our days, but that we could appreciate the moments of our days. Whether they be the quiet moments, or the busy moments. Appreciation causes our eyes to see things a bit clearer.

We become slower to judge others, even ourselves.

So much can happen in the breath of a second...

• Blinking...did you know your eyes blink 2-3 times it takes a second to tic off the clock?
• Heartbeats...did you know your heart pumps .07 liters of blood with each beat?
• Cellular activity...did you know that more than 100,000 chemical reactions take place inside your body every second?
• Lightening strikes...did you know that 100 lightening strikes hit the earth every second of any given day?
• Births & Deaths...did you know that within every second the clock tics, around 4 babies have been born and 2 deaths have occur, worldwide?

The list could go one, but what I really came here to say is that every second we draw oxygen into our lungs...matters.

Life, as we know it, can change considerably in the matter of seconds.

Some seconds throw us into confusion as to how we should respond to an unexpected situation. Good, or not so good. 

Maybe we should live a bit more intentionally.   

Just a random thought, musings, swirling around in my brain this morning...

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Memories of Recent Days...

That first year was a dud. A time of figuring out who I was, now that I had said "Okay" to retirement. Fiddling; learning a few things about what having a greenhouse meant, Wearing a path on our hardwoods throughout our living spaces, looking at things needing done (but didn't have the gusto, or the want to), missing conversations with my clients, and eventually becoming a hermit, had became a swirling dark cloud focused on keeping me a prisoner.

It's not a pretty sight. Most days I looked like a homeless person, living in my comfy (and decently sloppy) pants and shirts, hair looking flat and unimpressive, adding to a mild depressive state. We, by nature, believe what we see reflected back to us in those 45 mirrors we have hanging vicariously throughout our houses. Or is it just me?

I suppose stranger things have happened. I suppose I'm not the only one who gets surprised by life's little quirks. I also suppose there are others whose minds have changed to an extreme they never saw coming. But here we are...

It has been close to a month since rising from bed one morning and my whole body felt it had been renewed while sleeping. It wanted to live again. The central nervous system had finally awakened after a long year of paralyzation, and connected once again to guidance from its main source of supply...the cortex of human existence...known simply as the brain,

Instructions began loud and clear. Upon rising, memories began to emerge and thoughts began whirling much like turning on a rotating fan. As my sensory integration began, and found it's proper place, the blades picked up speed. 

"Oh boy....here we go," I thought.

But it felt oh. so. good!!! Almost like what I think a re-birth would feel like. All of a sudden I had a purpose that I had laid down without having a clear plan as to where my feet may land. It was me jumping off a cliff...hoping to land on solid ground...yet not knowing if I would. For sure.

This past month has been different. Not in a way that anyone (other than myself...and possibly a few family members) would recognize. Unless they had know the "before" me. But I know. I know something has changed. Something good.

Being a worker all my natural life (from the age of 7 years), the transition from working with a schedule, to not working with a schedule, was daunting. To say the least...

I've never been one for marketing myself. Probably never will be. I have no need of becoming famous, so have always depended on word of mouth, and the knowledge of belonging to a God that is for me and not against me, has been my guiding light. I've always done what I've known to do and listened as best I could, for direction from Him who knows all things.

I've made my fair share of mistakes. But the way I see it, is, without mistakes we can't grow. Just like the natural body heals if it's cared for, so do the failures become successes when wisdom is applied as lessons are learned. Of this I am sure.

That morning I was speaking of? The morning I woke and felt new? The first thought that came through my waking moments was, "It's time to live again."

"It's time to live again." A second before that thought, I was sound asleep. And then the thoughts began to whirl...much like a dusty old fan had been turned back on. That's when you know you have been given instructions. For me...I knew.

I'm not completely sure what this all means. I don't have to. My days seem different now. I feel more awake, more alive. On a different path than the past "do nothing" year. "Lay back and take your ease" year. 

"You've earned it," just didn't settle well with me. 

And the beautiful rain falling this morning has been my inspiration to sit quietly, once again, to visit my blog site to create another memory for the times I forget.

Awake, and feeling alive, again...with plenty on my plate...

...As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.