Peripheral Vision Is Important, Too

It's been exactly one year since posting about the next leg of my journey. As I re-read that particular blog entry, I thought to myself, "Where did your vision go?" For many of my adult years, I've had a goal, and a vision on how to get there. Usually with a five year time line. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost the ability to see beyond the here, and the now. It's not a comfortable place to be when you're a planner.

Granted, there have been times in my life when that has rang true, then, as well as it does now. But those times never lasted as long as this one has. This one began almost 10 years ago, and seems to shadow me, as if it were my companion. We all know there is only one thing to do when such a dilemma presents itself. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Right? Do what we know to do, do it well, and don't deviate from it.

During our 2012-13 move, from Oklahoma to North Carolina, I remember saying how I felt like a cork just bobbing along in a vast amount of oceanic water, having no purpose, and no place in-particular to go. Having oversight for the many, brought to naught, blew some challenges my way. The transition of confidence to a big question mark began to take a toll on me, causing me to question the importance of my existence. Crazy, I know...

I've always considered myself a serious person, with little to no time for humor. Neither did I, nor do I, like idle chit-chat. If we must visit, let us visit about important things; deep, from the heart things. It's what stirs me. I feel no harm in being thus. I love deeply, sincerely, faithfully. That hasn't changed, it's been a constant. Just my long distance vision had become a bit obscure, which makes it hard to have a goal. That bothered me.

What I have come to realize, is that I actually need humor in my life. I need to laugh more. Like I did with my friend, Jani, and on occasion, my sister, Becky. Beck was more on the serious side (most Praters are/were), but entertained sarcasm, on occasion...which could (on occasion) be funny. Jani and I couldn't get together without entering a whole new world of laughter. We could just look at each other and begin laughing, that often turned into coughing fits. We could be serious, too, however. It's just that when we needed a good laugh, we knew who to seek out. It was a healthy balance. We all need healthy balances, right? 

All that changed when their journey ended here. Jani's earthly body lost its fight with a mean brain cancer, while Becky faced PSP that trapped her inside an unwilling body to respond to brain impulses. She went only a month after Jani. And I had just lost a brother to what began as prostrate cancer, and spread to various other organs in his body, only a few months earlier. I remember wondering how the world, and all its people, could continue on as if these 3 souls were never here. Had never graced the planet with their spirits. My world was a bit unsteady for awhile and though I never lost sight of who I was/am, it felt as if I was suddenly alone. I wasn't of course. The world just felt a bit empty. A bit like a torn tapestry that would never be the same. And even though there was still much beauty to be had and felt from family (blood connected AND extended family), a piece of me left with them. In retrospect, I think I stayed a bit too long in that mind set. I missed my confidants.

And then came our first grandchild! Life was about to take on new meaning, and with it came new purpose. And just as seasons of life come and go, so it seems that purpose does, as well. Change will always happen. How we navigate it, is what's important. I'll always believe Reagan came at the time she did, to set many of us free (at least me) from a bondage we (I) had put ourselves (okay...myself) in. Seeing life through the eyes of a child will ALWAYS break into a protected heart and mold it back to the soft heart God intended it to be. To say she has lifted our spirits, is an understatement. And then, Warner comes along and ices the cake. It's as if iron had sharpened iron long enough, and God sent a fresh wind to cool everything down. To be in the presence of a child is life-giving, and causes the world to seem just a bit more navigable.

So...how's my vision these days? About the same. For whatever reason, the only future I can see, is the ultimate, not the short-long term. And that's okay with me. Putting one foot in front of the other and doing well with the things given me to do, is good enough for me. The "plan" is to continue with my salon business as long as health (mental & physical) remain. I no longer feel like that cork in the water, bobbing along with no purpose. God has seemingly pulled me closer to home without the need to know where I'm going at all times. I've learned to relax more. A whole lot more. How I even functioned before, I'll never know. I'm pretty sure it's why I'm so skittish, and will scream so easily when surprised. Even when Dennis (my husband of almost 49 years) just walks down the hall without forewarning me. It's a miracle he's not knocked me out, because of a knee-jerk reaction. 🤣

To be clear...my vision remains true and on point for where I'm headed. It's just that my peripheral vision has become so vivid, I don't focus so much on the obvious. It's the beauty of what God has put in my path that has become my focus, for such a time as this. 

A closing thought: Usually, seasons dance together a bit, before taking on their own appearance and character. Parts of the former blends into the present, and then the present shows its true colors. Yet, there are times a season comes blowing in without warning, ready to stop us in our tracks and show itself real. Who you were is suddenly no longer that. You have quickly changed course. Still you. Different direction. That happened, folks, about 10 years ago. 

Waiting for the next wind of change, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.