The Demons We Fight

Photo by Lindsey Lewis

Break downs. Emotional deficits. As years of feeling invisible, or unheard often deplete value, so do the years of being "too much," or "extra," deplete self-acceptance. Self-esteem plummets.

There. I said it.

It feels much like a hammer that consistently pounds, having no control to stop, will sub-consciously strike again, and  again...until the thing it is pounding is flattened completely.

Until there is no sign of resistance. Ever. 

Unless it wasn't what the hammerer perceived to be true, one could say, "Mission accomplished."

Deep sorrow. Deep sadness overtakes the individual that is fighting for their life. For the life they were given, but haven't  quite lived out as it was meant to be. Are they only imagining the feeling of unimportance, as they've been told time and time again?  

So many repetitive questions of, "Why are you like this?' "And, "Why are you always...(fill in the blanks)?"

Are they simply believing the insecurities that became a part of life while being convinced they weren't good enough? That they weren't pretty enough? Or lovable enough? After all, they should be grateful for what they have. Even if it verifies what they have feared all along.

At this moment in time, I do think it may be the key that unlocks the whys...

When we finally arrive at the end of ourselves...at the end of our abilities to become something different than what we've been made to believe; those are the times we see more clearly. Truth has a way of coming forward when lies have extended their stay and have been exposed through death. Death of spirit. Or of the ability to care any longer. With the crushing of the soul, comes the ousting of a once burning flame.

What we don't understand at the time of lifting our truce flag, is that even though the fire may have lost it's needed fuel to burn brightly, the embers still live beneath...unnoticed by many on-lookers, just waiting for the day the abused rustles, and gently blows on what remains hidden.

That's when truth becomes apparent. It's when truth becomes obvious. It's when truth shouts, "You are more than this!" "You've allowed another's voice to tell you who you are and you have listened to a voice other than the Father's."

It was He who sent you to be born into this world, and it is He who asks you to let him be the guide. For a purpose that no one, other than He, can show you. It is He who laughs at the storm and commands it to be still. 

Maybe she was "too much" most of the time. It showed up as she was fighting to live. As she was trying her best to see the real person that had been created by a loving God, but choosing the way of wrong choices, had unknowingly became less than what was promised her. 

Her ear was turned to the accuser, stopping the flow of goodness that had been poured out over her, as she turned a deaf ear towards the one who convicts (not condemns) of sinful nature. Waiting to free her.

Less than what was possible. Less than all the gifts she knew had been placed inside her, from the first burst of creativity to the last hope of importance. Never to be revealed because fear demanded those thoughts be left to collect dusty neurons that crusted over and cracked with age. Unusable... ~Psalm 139, Philippians 4:8

It's the battle demons love as they watch a life crumble. Demons who have been instructed to render God's kids useless while they walk this earth. Their job is to disable. Mentally bind the impressionable so they will never inspire another, encourage masses, or mentor nations with the truth of God's love for them. ~Matthew 28:19-20

The good news? 

It's a battle that can be won...if we but allow. ~2 Chronicles 20:15

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

#LifeIssues #myjourneyamongtheunseen #greatisHisfaithfulness #mindpower #winningthebattle

Waste Not, Want Not

Habits...we all have them, right? I just finished preparing my morning cup of coffee, with an added teaspoon of "mushroom coffee". Up until about 2 months ago, I had my coffee with the mushroom coffee additive purchased from www.weliveconscious.com. The taste had to be gotten used to. It wasn't my all time favorite, but it did seem to give this aging brain of mine a bit more clarity so that it could actually serve up words that I'd always known, but now have trouble getting them out my mouth.

Anyway...I decided to save a little money and use the new product my stand-by coffee has come up with. Lifeboost Coffee is the bomb. Seriously! Best coffee, even over my long love of Coffee Masters Highlander Grogg. They now have a mix of medium roast coffee with added Lions Mane and Chaga Mushrooms, called Cognition. And it is goooood! And, every dollar matters these days, right? So, because I have some left-over small canisters of the mushroom coffee that must be added to the regular coffee, I have started adding it to the Lifeboost Coffee that already has some mushrooms in it. Gotta use up what's left so it won't go to waste and eventually need tossed. If you understood what I just said, raise your hand. 

Actually, every dollar has ALWAYS mattered. And this is what brings me to the table this lovely, cool, Spring morning.

"Waste not, want not." One of Dad's favorite sayings. He had many, but this one was heard so often I don't think my brain will ever allow it to be deleted. I do believe it is why I save soooooo many things. Like CARDBOARD! Ugh! That's a totally different story. It's also why we live so frugally. 

But, I'm not alone in this. Dennis has shirts from the year he and Rusty (my nephew) went to Panama on a mission trip. The girls were small, so I'm thinking that was around 1986-87. Some 40 odd years ago. They still look great! If it's not thread bare, why replace it? 

Secret reveal: I threw a tee-shirt of his away (some many years ago), without telling him I was going to. It was a favorite of his. It was so fragile, it had tears in the shoulder seams, under the arms, and around the neck. It was basically a rag he shimmed over his head and wore proudly. It was comfortable, he said.

Side Note: I think there may be some left-over desire for not needing clothing that hails from the Biblical days of Adam and Eve. 

That particular shirt, I hated washing. He wouldn't let me throw it away. But since he had several....well...I thought I could get away with disposing of it while he was at work. I know. Pretty low of me. I totally didn't listen to that little voice inside my head that keeps saying, "Waste not, want not."

I still grieve over doing that. *wink *wink.

Be clean. Be a good steward of what you have. Take care of it and it will serve you for many a year. There is no shame in taking care of what one has.

Like our mode of transportation. We drive our vehicles until they leave us stranded by the roadside...several times. I'll never forget the party our bank had when I finally bought a new car. Going through the drive-through, my loan officer came to the window to congratulate me on the new purchase and to look it over. All the tellers, for as far as my eye could see, were cheering. 😂 "You deserve it, Mary!" That's what Cale said. Yep. We drive 'em until the wheels fall off. Waste not. Want not. The whole bank probably talked about the "old clunker Mary drives" while standing around the water cooler.

Being transparent here...I was becoming a little embarrassed driving into my business' parking lot. I felt it didn't match what a business owner should be driving. Yet..."Waste not, want not" kept flooding my brain. And it ruled over me. Thanks, Dad. 

Side Note: Two weeks later, while at my place of business, I get a call from D. "Hey. I'm stranded on Highway 43. Could you come get me?" So now...it was time to replace HIS worn out vehicle. And we did. Because we could. By never spending foolishly...

As one might suspect, there are many stories I could share along these lines. But today, it's about coffee, clothes, and vehicles. Only snippets, for sure.

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

P.S.

We learned frugality from our parents who went through the Great Depression of 1929-1939. Well, mine did, anyway. Mom was born in 1907; Dad in 1906. They married in 1925, and started a family. A family of 10 kids, plus one tragic pregnancy loss. The Great Depression lasted through 6 of my momma's pregnancies, and one loss. My parents used the land to provide vegetables and fruit...and raised chickens, cows, & pigs for protein sources. Yes...I came from a generation of survivors. Of truth tellers. Of hard workers. Of generous people. I am in awe of their resilience. 

Do We Ever Fully Let Go?

Yesterday, our oldest daughter, our amazing (in every sense of the word) Lindsey Erin, was over for a hair color retouch, with a few defining highlights thrown randomly (with distinct strategy) throughout that beautiful, and very curly mane of hers. I do love her curls...mainly because she knows how to care for them. She understands what North Carolinas humidity does to the porosity inside those lovely locks of hers, and prepares them for long-lasting beauty. 

But, it's a comment she made that has spurred this post. "I went by a road today where new asphalt was being laid, and it took me instantly back to Silver Dollar City," she said.

Back story (there always is one, right?). When our girls were little, we would visit Branson, MO., and it's theme park, Silver Dollar City. Built over a historical cave (the Marvel Cave), the park was known for hosting major festivals from Spring through the "An Old Time Christmas" festival. It was always the highlight of our trips. Most likely because of all the aromas that greeted us as we entered the park. The enticing smells of funnel cakes and Barbecue Brisket were smells we anticipated.

This place brought many giggles and big laughs, mostly because the girls loved tricking their momma on rides that took us through surprising falls and turns where water caused riders to come out looking like drowned kittens. Still can't believe how naive I was back in the day. Maybe it was because I trusted our little connivers a bit too much. "Hey, Mom. You and Dad can ride up front. That way you won't miss all the great things to see." Haha...very funny, you little stinkers. Verrryy funny. 🫣🙄🥴😂

Then there were the roller coaster rides that brought very high pitched screams as they plummeted riders to depths, twists and turns, without a moments notice. Well...if I'm being honest, there was a small amount of "notice" as the build up of anxiety increased with each beat of the heart. As the coaster slowly chugged its way to the top of the tracks where all one could see was sky...with no way back down to earths dirt where stability lived...where one could feel grounded again, without first falling at a high rate of speed on nothing but two tracks the rider cars hung to, trusting they would keep everything connected. One can see why I rarely gave over control of my life when visiting those monsters. Right? Unless, of course, my girls looked through me, all the way into my heart, with those beautiful puppy dog eyes. UGH! Kids! 😉❤️

But, the girls and their dad...they were in heaven. Even without Mom along for the rides they couldn't convince me to go on. Oh, I DO have stories about the rides at Silver Dollar City (and other themed parks...like Six Flags Over Texas). Great memories in the face of death by choice. And those usually had at least one Anderson family member present. Do the math...

So....about Lindsey's comment on smelling newly laid asphalt. It's a memory I suppose she'll always have nestled somewhere inside a cubicle in her brain where memories live forever. We all have that place, right? Didn't God preserve it for a reason? I think so. It serves us well through the years. 

Today, she was taken back to a time of innocence. A time of fun with her parents and sister, while visiting a very intriguing theme park that had soooo much to explore. With over 40 rides and attractions, it's been named the best theme park in America! And now I'm wanting to go for a visit, again. 😏

When we least expect it, a certain smell will bring to memory days gone by. Some are comforting, and some not so comforting. It's the "not-so-comforting" we don't like re-visiting. Yet, even those can make us stronger by helping us see just how far we've come. How much we have conquered. Then the happy ones pop up to say, "Remember all the fun times you had back then?" Memories to sooth us and cause us to remember love is forever.

Closing out this post, I would ask you: Doesn't it seem as if our brains are much like a computers mother board? Never lets go of a saved memory, right? 😉😂  That's probably why they call it the "Mother" board. We never let go. Most of the time we can bring to memory the things we are searching for, much like when we type in a question for our computer to answer something we have a need to know. Am I right? 

And then, there are days if feels as if our brain is out for lunch and can't be located. It closes for business, much like a computer will, all of a sudden, produce a blank and very black screen while we're in the middle of exploring. Or worse...having just finished a document not yet saved. 🤣

love and gumption...

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

How Late Is Too Late?

I've had a few friends in my lifetime. One close friend for each season of life. Until now. 

Oh...don't get me wrong. I do have those I call friend. Some closer than others. And I do think should I truly need time with any of them, they would be here as soon as the on-going demands of life would allow. And one I could most likely empty my thoughts on and she would listen and respond with kindness purposefully tucked inside the wisdom she'd share. She may even get really serious, and say, "Mary...you've got it all wrong. You've honestly over-thought this one." Maybe. But, this friend leans more towards being compassionate, even if she would prefer setting me straight in no uncertain terms. The only thing is...she doesn't live in North Carolina.

We live far enough away from each other, there's never a time for "Can I come over for coffee," talks. Or, "What's up buttercup?" talks. There's no laughing until our sides hurt. No searching for random (mapped out & planned) garage sales to pilfer through. That really was never my thing, anyway. 

Even when my friend and I of years long past would visit those crazy garage sales I rarely enjoyed going through others throw-aways...especially when they were just thrown in boxes where one must dig through the excess. But it was always fun to be with my friend, watching as she found treasures while I drank my coffee and ate a donut we'd picked up before heading out towards the maze of sales...all while sitting inside her cozy van. She was the "crazy" one. Ready for any fun anyone might throw her way. Me? I was the more serious one. Fun stuff usually scared me more than made me laugh. We were the pair, for sure. Great memories...

But, those days are over. The years have come and gone. The time for sharing what's inside of me seems to have no outlet. It's totally my fault. I have chosen to be a recluse of sorts. I've chosen to stay close to home. Even when I do venture out to a grocery store, there are rarely plans to shop elsewhere while out and about. There is very little contact with those who walk the planet, and very little desire to. And, there-in lies the problem.

Here's what I am missing, according to Scripture, because of the choices I've made since my last close friend stepped into eternity:

• Proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother (or sister) is born for a time of adversity." (Someone to help us through the rough times in life)

• Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." (Oh boy! Is that ever true!)

• John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." (They sacrifice their time, their own needs in the moment, to meet your needs of the moment.)

• Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up." (mentally and emotionally)

• Proverbs 27:9 says, "The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." (A place of peace, in place of chaos..a safe place)

• Proverbs 18:24 says, "...there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother." (Pretty sure this one is talking about our Lord and Saviour, not necessarily a human friend...but could be).

I've never been one to accept the status quo. To just sit back and fold my hands as if there is nothing more to do. Nothing more that can be done in the time left. I've held on to whatever my life was at the time, so hard, it became difficult to release. And now...if feels as if I've allowed my hands to open enough to drop everything. Everything they've ever known to sustain life. Yet, I know that can't be true.

Why am I struggling with this season of life? It's not that I am unappreciative of what I have, nor of what God's grace has extended to me. I do love my life as it is. It doesn't have a ton of commitments, but just enough to make me feel needed (kinda...at least not replaceable). I do love my small, but comfortable home. I do love my family and hope I never have to live far from them. I even love the non-essentials of life, like my garden and the greenhouse that offers a spike in endorphins every time I walk through the door. Yet...

The transition of working, to not working, has been harder than I thought it might be. During work, I saw many people; people with different personalities, people with opposing views, people who I enjoyed visiting with and those who I shared life with.  

And now...it just feels as if I'm missing something. 🤔

Tell me...do you believe friends are necessary to have a fulfilled life?

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World. 

#myjourneyamongtheunseen #retirementwoes #friendsforlife #peaksandvalleys #lifesheartbeat #worth