Memories Held Captive

Memories are beautiful things...or horrific things. Memories are like computer hard drives. Everything is stored there for future reference. Memories don't need a back-up, however, like computer hard drives do, just in case they over-load, or crash. Our memories have a mind of their own. Maybe that's their back up. They have the ability to bring up something that happened long ago, or just a moment ago, and that ability was installed in our brain from the beginning of creation, I suppose. The longer I live, the more in awe I am at what God has put inside this funny little package I call my body. We have so much within our grasp, that we rarely grab hold of and use, in our short lives on this planet. Curious, indeed. Now, what was the purpose of that? If only wisdom began earlier than it normally does.

Upon awakening this morning, the first thing that filtered itself through my brain was, "I'll go where you want me to go, Lord." I lay there for a bit trying to decide what that meant exactly. Why was that my first thought? Usually I wake with things like, "What time is it? It's gotta be around 6:30...maybe 7:00." "What day is this?" Silly little things that really don't matter so much...unless it's actually 8:30 instead of 6:30.

Anyway, this morning's first thought has got my memories slapping me around. I've learned a few things since moving to N.C. I guess I should say a few things have had a light shown upon them, where they had once lived...in the shadows of my mind. One very predominate thing is something I've always known and have encouraged others with. Isn't that just like God? He uses us not just for others, but for ourselves also...even if we're not aware of it until years later. That one thing that has me taking deep breaths today, is this: I cannot live on what was. I cannot hold my memories captive. What once was, is no longer necessary. ~ Joshua 5:12-15

There are many transitions in life. Many forks in the road. Many chapters in the book of our life. Different seasons in life. Many pieces to be woven in the tapestry of creation. Whatever you want to call it. Change happens, but memories stick around. It's not that we are living in our own little fantasy world. Well, hopefully we aren't. It's just harder for some of us to flip that proverbial page and get on with new and exciting things. You know who you are! I'm one of you. Even though I've always said I love change and the challenges that life brings, I find I have not been completely honest with myself. I want growth, in me and all those I love, but that means I have to let go of the past. It's really not so bad. I still have my hard drive. Literally. I document a LOT of stuff. Wish I'd had the for-with-all to start sooner than I did.

So...what exactly am I saying here? That's a really good question. Like most things, when God speaks to my heart it's usually for me only, so no-one ever really "gets it" like I do. You have your own "God moments" that I may not get either. :)

My point is simply that I have desired some things to remain as I once knew them, a few short years ago, when our girls were but wee little sweet people that loved my kisses and hugs. However, they are now all grown up (29 & 30 years old), and really don't need what they once did. I thought that would never end. I've held it in my hands for a long time now. My fist has been clenched so long, my hand hurts. This morning, my fist (my mind...my memories) opened up and released what I have always held dear and have insisted they remain the same. Oh, I'll still hold on to those precious memories. I don't think I could wipe them out or delete them even if I wanted to. What I've chosen to do is simply let my girls be women. And beautiful women they are! They'll do it regardless of whether I get on board or not. But they won't have to feel guilty any longer because Mom seems sad so much.

It's true, we can hold others captive while we are insisting on things remaining the same. I didn't even realize it until this morning. "I'll go where you want me to go." Wow...who knew those words could throw open locked doors? I'm still not certain why they were my first thoughts, but God does. And He has a way of getting my attention when I least expect it. Maybe there's still something He has to say about that, that I haven't seen yet. But for some reason, today He has chosen this, to release my memories. I'll hold them close, but not too close.

Today's a new day. A new season. A new chapter. Another beautiful thread in the tapestry. A fork in the road. I'm ready to see what's around the corner on the journey I seem to be on. Make some new memories.

And whilst I'm at it...you can always find me here...in Mary's World!

What Does Respect and Transparency Have In Common?

Transparency is an interesting subject for me. Transparency, for me, means that others can see who I really am, as they use the light of God's truth on what I say, not necessarily on how they interpret the words, taking them for face value. Not taking the time to look deeper for the whys. It doesn't mean (to me), that my mouth opens and out falls a bunch of words about myself. That doesn't necessarily expose who I am, or who I hope to be someday. I may be hurting terribly, yet covering most of the pain, because I know I will be instructed on how I should or shouldn't be. When looking beyond the moment, many things will come into focus. We're able to see past the evident imperfections, because we ourselves are not really that different from anyone else. We are all a work in progress. Age doesn't matter. The toddler makes mistakes, the young person makes mistakes, the teen makes mistakes, the young adult makes mistakes, the middle-aged make mistakes, the senior citizen makes mistakes, and the elderly make mistakes.

I do think if we could all be honest, speaking the truth, when in a sensitive conversation (or otherwise), it would be a good thing. Tempering that honesty with kindness, respect, and understanding, would make for a much better atmosphere, as we attempt to live in peace with each other. Ah...respect. It simply appears to have flown out the door (or window) in many families...in many communities.

I notice it more with the elderly, I suppose. Have we lost our respect for the paths they've had to walk? Why do we treat them as if, once they've reached a certain age, they are  no longer of any value? Why do we make them feel as if we only tolerate their presence? I don't get it. I find it so very interesting to sit and listen to their stories...and yes, their advise.

"There is nothing new under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 1:9). It doesn't matter what generation we come from, life's issues are the same. The world is not getting worse...it's always had it's problems. Large problems. But Christ came to show us how to live in the midst of those (very real) problems. He's given us a table in the presence of those who would hurt us, intentionally or not. That table is a place where we can refresh our spirit and acquire strength to continue.

To honor those that have walked the road, years before us, is to honor God's purposes and plans for humanity. They have acquired knowledge, some wisdom...in the midst of all that they've faced while clearing a path for those coming after them. Yet, much of the time, I see just the opposite as being true. Those that haven't journeyed as long, seem to think they know more than those that already have traveled the narrow, obstruction filled path. They use the tired, old adage, "My path is different. You can't possibly know what I'm facing." While it may be true that your path looks a bit different than anyone elses, be sure the solutions are the same. Cause and effect of life's issues, all have a common denominator.

I'm not trying to put all of creation in this small box. I'm not saying all are of this mindset. It's just that when I see the lack of respect, it makes me intensely sad. And I see it way too often. If you think someone is not being totally honest with you, check to see if you've given them a safe place to be transparent. Check to see if they are honored while in your presence.

Being transparent here, in Mary's World, I will remain until I'm not.

Things Are Rarely What They Seem

From time to time we find ourselves speculating about this or that. We are told never to speculate, because speculation creates sad hearts as the truth emerges. Sometimes we may even fantasize about how things should or could be, and wonder why they aren't. Rarely do those scenarios play out in our realities, because they aren't within our reach...for one reason or another. They are only desires of the heart. A need we think we have, that isn't being filled.

So what does one do to keep from sinking into despair? To keep from feeling completely alone? I know what the easy road is, the road that beckons as we face the same situation day after day after day. It's withdrawing into a shell, created from the pain of what we see as rejection. It's pretending everything is just fine and dandy...when in reality the heart literally hurts, feeling stuck, with no place of escape. Or we will choose to lash out in unbecoming anger that neither helps nor resolves anything.

We are told to "take care of yourself, because no-one else will." What a sad statement. But...as in everything under the sun, there is a bit of truth in that lie. We must be the one that walks through this great deception, even though there may be others that will walk beside us. No one can change our despair, other than the God of truth. And if we've allowed ourselves to sink into the mire of self-pity, then it just may be a long trek.

For many years I've said, "For every problem, there's a solution." That being true, the steps needed to find most solutions are foggy, at best, if the first one is omitted. We are so used to using our own mental resources for resolving issues that are messing with us, we forget to include the One that set all things in motion. And the problem gets much bigger than we ever expected it would.

Step 1:
We must go to the Father of light...the God of creation...the Redeemer of broken hearts...the Healer of all wounds..the One who frees the captives, the prisoners...the One who comforts those who mourn. ~Isaiah 61:1 If we acknowledge His wisdom in all things, He will direct us. ~Proverbs 3:6 (paraphrased)

Step 2:
Step back and take another look at what the truth of the matter is. Don't allow emotions to dictate the situation.

Step 3:
Cry if you must. Tears are actually healing, in and of themselves. We always feel somewhat better after a good cry. Mourning is not a bad thing. We must allow it on occasion. Mourn, then get on with life the best way you know how.

Step 4:
Always choose to find the good in any given situation. It's easy to see the not-so-good. Too easy. That alone should tell us it's trying to imprison us. Even if the problem truly is horrible, there will always be some good to be found...if we but look for it. It may not show itself for a while, but it will be there.

Step 5:
If we begin to slip back into old habits of speculation, review Step 1.

King David had his fair share of problems. At one point, all the men that served in his army prepared to stone him because they blamed him for causing the destruction of their homes, with their wives and children being taken captive. Stoning in that day was not just throwing rocks at someone. They used huge boulders that crushed the body. David could have despaired to the point of withdrawing in his shell and he never would have conquered his enemy, and gotten back the wives and children. But he didn't. David encouraged himself by incorporating Step 1. He asked the Lord what he should do. You'll find his story in I Samuel 30.

I'm not saying I'm anywhere close to having the problems David did. But he had the right idea. Some things we just can't handle ourselves.

Tonight, I choose to follow David's lead. Tonight, here in Mary's World, I will encourage myself in the Lord...and ask of Him.