My Morning Coffee

There's a Barnes & Noble Bookstore just up the road from us, about a stones throw...as the crow flies. On the occasions I've walked into this wonderful, feel good place, there have always been many workers, ready to help with whatever a person could need...or just want. AND with smiles (real ones) on their faces. I simply love going to my Barnes & Noble Bookstore. Yesterday, my feet took me there, once again.

As I took the first sip of my morning coffee, my memories took me back to yesterday's experience. A young man, that seemed pretty busy at his work station, acknowledged my presence with a direct look into my eyes (I love that). Asking what he could help me with, he put his present work on hold (I love that). He understood, without me saying a word, how valuable my time was that day. Not only did he look to see if the book I was searching for (Prophet by Frank Peretti), was in stock...he actually took me to the book (I love that)!

Yesterday was a cold and blustery sort of Pooh day (I love that) and I couldn't help but smell the Starbucks coffee, as we rounded the curve that led me to the book I was searching for. I picked up my book, glanced at the price on the back, and headed for the coffee counter. People were sitting around the circle podium, drinking their drinks and enjoying each others company. There were lone people there also. They were quietly reading, while sipping their drinks. The "guest helper" behind the counter, came quickly (he was very busy, as well), and asked for my order. I felt so welcomed there, in spite of the business this season brings (I love that). While I waited for my Pumpkin Spice Latte, I looked at each table's guests and my heart sort of bounced around inside of me. Some of the bounces produced a very happy experience...a feeling that all was well...and it put a smile on my face. Other glances produced great sadness. My heart went out to what these people might be going through, what their eyes told me, with what looked to me to be extreme sadness. Were there silent cries, that are easily missed? Or am I just paranoid?

Another hair salon, just a couple of doors up from my own Elements Salon, shared a conversation he had with a client's mom. She had called to cancel her son's appointment because he had committed suicide the day before. My friend told me he had noticed how depressed this young man had seemed the last couple of visits. My heart broke for the family...and for the young man. Was he silently crying...and nobody heard?

This is the time of year we, as a nation, have chosen to celebrate with thankful hearts. And right in the middle of my thankful heart, there lies a spot that goes out to the hurting. My family is so blessed...and I am grateful. This just may be one of the happiest times in my life. Yet, this morning, as I took that first sip of coffee, laced with Bailey's Pumpkin Spice Creamer, from my own coffee-brewing pot, in the warmth of our home, my mind went straight back to the Starbucks Coffee circle, in my Barnes and Noble Bookstore. And from there it reached out to the many hearts without smiles, those bent downward not wanting to look me in the eye, in the many department stores and retail outlets, that I've encountered this past year. And it makes me sad.

There are many who have an indifferent outlook on life. They don't notice those around them that are despondent. I know this, because I've asked of various co-workers. Much of the time, they will take on an attitude of "they deserve it." To that, I must respond, "I deserve it, but God has chosen to cover me with grace." I don't know why God loves me so much, I just know He does. And the beauty that many fail to see, is that God loves them too. He wants to spread His Grace all over them...if they would but let Him. Difficulties of life remain...but there is a way through them, with head lifted up and genuine smiles, because our hope is not in what others think of us, not what others say to us, not what others expect of us. It is in Jesus Christ alone.

Ahhhh...my morning coffee.

Thank You, Lord of all creation, for all You've provided for this, my family...

I'll remain, until I'm no more...here, in Mary's World.

Lady In Waiting

Have you ever felt as if something was just about to break loose in the space you occupy? Break loose in a good way? Like the sky just may open up, and show you things you're about to be a part of? Things much bigger than you've experienced thus far? Something that will cause your heart to be happier than it's ever been before?

Why I feel this way, I'm not really sure of. Except for the possibility that my world has taken the turn...the bend in the road, so to speak. I'm feeling almost alive again. It's been a long year, for more people than myself. Long...yet it went by, didn't it? And, looking at it from this side of the fence, it didn't take very long at all. My Dennis is here with me now, in North Carolina. My girls and their fellas are close by. We have a place to create a home in, once again. A place family can be together, again. It's been so very long since those days were possible. We are now (as a couple) building relationships within our church family from Hope Community Church in Raleigh, NC.

Last night, we had our first small group dinner since 2011. We used to have them at least once a month...to celebrate whatever we could dream up to label them as. They were usually for a birthday, or a holiday. Experiencing life outside of yourself is life-giving. You can breathe deep, and feel the strength coming into your bones. Into your spirit...your mind.

I've missed "community" more than I realized. I think I may have even become a little lazy...relaxing inside myself, not wanting to do much of anything but just whatever I wanted to do...or didn't want to do, but because there wasn't anything to do, I didn't have a choice. Well, I don't suppose that's entirely true. We always have choices. It's just so stinking easy to get in a mental shut-down of who you were created to be...and do, for crying out loud! And we wallow. With a smile on our faces that is as phony as the day is long.

But now...now, God has lifted my head! I don't know what He's got in store for our family, but my gut says it's going to be worth being hung out to dry. Worth being that cork in the water, just bobbing along. Worth being set on a shelf, with no one being interested in reading what is on your heart. Worth the lonely days...nights.

It reminds me of the Honeysuckle plant. The fragrance comes only during certain seasons. But the fragrance is so worth waiting for. I enjoyed the plant that was in our backyard in Miami, Oklahoma, even during it's time of non-productivity, though it looked so pitiful. I knew a time was coming that it wouldn't appear dead any longer and the fragrance it would share with those close to it, would be the most awesome time. And now, I'm getting that hint of fragrance. And I can't help but be excited! I've lived long enough to know that most of the time, God's extreme surprises, is just that. A surprise! One can't guess the form these super-duper blessings will arrive in. We just wait...with great expectation.

You could say that I'm a lady in waiting...now that's funny!

Yet, here I'll wait...in Mary's World.

The Journey From Here to There

Pre-cursor:
The beginning of this post, was started some time ago, before we had purchased our home in Cary. I was still living with Todd and Lindsey at that time. I saved it to draft, not being able to finish it at the time of creating it. There's a second part...at the end.
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I'll never forget the first words spoken to me, as I began hanging my clothes in what was to become my living quarters, for the next 11 months and 12 days. "Don't get comfortable. This is only temporary." Said with that beautiful smile of hers, my daughter may have been teasing a bit, but I'm betting she was more serious than not.

She, and her "Boo", didn't have a clue just what they were in for. Both giving hearts assumed they were extending an invitation to help Mom and Dad as they transitioned from their life-long home, to a place to live out the rest of their years. A place where they would be close by, to enjoy family, and become a part of something much bigger than themselves. It just wasn't supposed to take as long as it did. God, and His sense of humor...

Now, the time has come that we are being allowed to have our own place once again...me and my husband. We were apart all this time, only seeing each other every couple of months. He stayed behind in Oklahoma, waiting for our home of 37 years to sell. Not wanting to leave the house empty, he thought it best to send me on ahead to get the business "up and running" before the holidays of 2012. I hesitantly agreed. We were sure the house would not be an issue for more than a couple of months. He would join me in North Carolina before Christmas...we thought. As our journey took a turn we didn't see coming, we held on to the goodness of God, to His faithfulness. We faced the expense of 1200 mile trips to see each other as the weeks turned into months, the months turned into...well, it didn't make it to years...for which we will be forever grateful. The cost of those trips didn't matter (well, maybe a little), it was always easy to say "hello"...hard to say "goodbye."

I finished early today, at the shop, and have decided to begin packing the things I have accumulated since being in North Carolina. It's not much, so it won't take long. Nothing like the packing done at our home in Oklahoma! THAT was REAL packing! But, as I think about creating space in this little room I've called home for nigh a year, I'm wondering if it will seem empty to the kids once I am gone. Oh, sure...they'll love the fact that they'll get to enjoy their new home, all by themselves...but, I've been here since they moved in. It's like I'm their kid...they'll miss me! Maybe...

There were times I wondered if we'd made the right choice in selling our home and moving to a place we were not known. Starting over so late in life, seemed just a little crazy. But love is powerful. It makes you believe you can do anything, if you just put your mind to it. The impossible becomes possible. You're not sure just where your feet will land, but when God opens doors for you, you'd just be plain silly not to walk through them. We knew it wouldn't be easy, but being the risk takers that we've (I've) always been, we knew it would be fine. Everything would work out without us having to know details.

Struggles...yes, we've had them. Fearful nights...yes, I had them. Doubts...yes, I had them. Loneliness...yes, it seemed to follow me everywhere. Insecurity...yes, it popped up more than I liked. Even with all the love my girls showered me with, they weren't able to fix my heart issues. I fluctuated from trusting God with the situation, to believing it was by my hand only, and what I gave to the plan, that would cause everything to work out. I can't really describe the feelings that seemed to run amuck inside me. What were we thinking, starting over at 65 years of age? Selling a well established business and starting a new one, has been more of a struggle than I'd hoped, but nothing I didn't expect. For the most part it's felt as if I am just a by-stander, watching as things transpire...
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Wow! I started this post over a month ago and never finished it. Ha! I guess life got in the way. It's now September 10th, and I've been drawn to my computer once again, while the President of these United States is giving a speech about the problems in Syria.

God DID find us a place to create a home in. Once again His favor and faithfulness came through for us. It was never lacking, my eyes just weren't seeing it. We had looked at so many beautiful houses and actually put an offer on one. Even though we were the first offer, it wasn't to be ours. Out of real concern that we were not going to find a place to lay our heads, I called our realtor and asked if we might take a look at the house I tried very hard to ignore. I liked nothing about it. I didn't like the neighborhood. I didn't like the brick. I didn't like the fact it had no covering for our vehicles. I didn't like the ugly, ugly tree in the front yard that the city had aggressively cut back to it's trunk. So it was now half a tree. I didn't like the bushes planted at random in the yard. Front and back. But, we were desperate.

I had just put my husband on a plane back to Oklahoma, after bringing him to NC for Father's Day. On the drive back to my daughter's house, was when I decided to take a look at the house. My heart was sick...I felt we were going to have to settle for less than what we wanted. I was prepared for the worst. As I walked across the threshold, head lower than a skunks belly, I was met with a huge surprise. It's as if God said, "I've been waiting on you to get here."

The first thing I noticed was the hardwood floors (I've always wanted hardwoods). Hardwoods throughout the entire house! Then the entry (I've always wanted an entry). What?! Crown Molding??? Beautiful crown molding (I've always wanted crown molding). It was everywhere! In every room, ceiling & floor level...it was around the air return. It framed the door ways. Even the closet doors...every doorway in the house was framed with crown molding! It matched the fireplace edging. The bathroom in the master bedroom, had beautiful 18" tiles that surrounded the shower stall.

Then there was the sun room (I've always wanted a sun room)! It is probably now, my favorite place in the whole house (we bought this "AWE"ful place). :)

There is so much, as the days go by, that I'm noticing about the house "that God built." That's what the inspector said about the house. "It's got good bones," he said, "Built with trees that were strong." I was outside the other day, and noticed the plants that were flowering around the edges. All the years that I've "doodled", drawing everything from cartoon characters, to big Oak trees, these flowers have always found their place on the paper. I've never known what they were...I've just loved the delicate beauty of them. Long and slender...usually purple in color. The color of majesty. And here they were...just waiting on me to arrive.

 

 

There is a shed out back. At first, because of my grumpy attitude, I figured it was just a run down building. But much to my surprise, it is a great little building, complete with loft! I'm pretty sure my faithful Provider has shaken His head over me more than once. I've always trusted the One who rescued me, yet somehow, when in the throws of life I find that possibly I've not trusted Him as much as I have thought. One might say I've had my fair share of pity parties. And yet, He had prepared our place ahead of time. The One who is Omnipresent, the One who knows the end from the beginning...it was He that hung the stars in their place and causes the earth to be suspended in space. He loves me enough to have exactly what I need...exactly what Dennis needs...waiting for us to arrive.

 

This entry has run a little long, but I must share one more thing. Moving day! We had rented a 27 foot trailer, used 23 feet of it, stored it in Raleigh for about 3 weeks, and needed help unloading. My Dennis asked our daughters and our son-in-law to help on a Wednesday night. We thought it would probably take a couple of nights to empty the belly of that monster.

 

The previous week we had gone to a small group meeting from Hope Community Church. It was our first visit. God had another surprise for us...waiting for us to arrive. Kevin, the group's leader, asked if all would meet at our house to help unload the trailer the following Wednesday. They even brought dinner for everyone! Another surprise came our way that night. Todd and Lindsey's small group from church, ALSO came by to help. Our new home was filled with helping hands and big hearts! More than 20 showed up to help!

 

And so...the journey from here to there is on-going. Waiting for me to arrive. This is only a snapshot of the most recent happenings in the mind and in the world, of one M J Lewis.

 

And now...until my fingers have the need to share again, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

 

 

 

 



Ponderings

We recently purchased a home in Cary, NC. It's an older home, built with strong timbers. There have been a few minor issues that needed addressed, so we began the process of a partial up-date. It seems there have been way too many service providers coming and going. But it's what's needed, in order to make this truly our home. We're almost done...

I'm so grateful for the cooler temps this August has provided. We were in our new/old home for only two weeks, when the AC decided it had pushed all it was going to. I admit, I have asked quite a bit from it's already long life. The up side to this tragic event, is that the previous owner had taken out a warranty insurance policy for us. It was part of the purchase deal. I suspect the roof will be next in line...

Laying in our bed last evening, with the inside temperature of 80 plus (even with ceiling fans swirling throughout the house), I was grateful for the comfort a home provides. Every day gets better for us, as we walk out the leg of this journey we are on. Uprooted from our comfortable place of 39 years, God has given us the adventure of a lifetime. New opportunities, bring new challenges...right? We must be up for it, else God would not have directed it to be. I'm so in awe of the mercies of our God, as we evaluate the place our feet is going to land, on any given day. The world has stopped spinning now, and it only wobbles, from time to time, as we look out our windows and see what He's provided.

Early this morning, as I checked in with Facebook, I once again looked upon a face of beauty. My husbands sweet Aunt was escorted by angels, to the Father of all life, on August 21, 2013 (his 61st birthday). It's a day we'll never forget, even though neither of us was able to be there. We've read (through Facebook), and we've heard (through cell phones), the events of that day. The tributes were nothing short of amazing. Aunt Dorothy was surely loved. It's true that smiles attract more people to your presence than frowns do...and she had plenty to give away. I don't recall ever being in a room where she was, and not see that beautiful smile. I'm sure she's had her fair share of rocks to kick out of the road, of mountains to climb, of injustice to walk upon. I have seen her upset by wrong doing, puckering those sweet lips in an attempt to look mad, yet her final declaration was a smile.

As I pondered all this, I wondered what sort of legacy I would leave behind. What would people remember me by. I'm concerned they don't see enough smiles. Concerned that I'm a bit too bossy, too mothering (as my husband calls it). I do believe we can become caught up in the issues of life and become so serious, that we forget to smile. To stop and see what is right in front of our eyes; the absolute beauty of this earth and the people in it. We tend to try and control our surrounds a bit too much, as we purpose to make things perfect in our little world, being of a serious mindset. Before we know it the day has become night...and we didn't take the time to smile.

Thank you, Aunt Dorothy, for staying the course. You've fought the good fight, you've finished the course. Well done, good and faithful servant! Enter into your rest. We'll see you soon!

Until that day comes, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

My Bird of Prey

Walking across the threshold was my first awe inspired moment. My eyes darted back and forth while I wondered if I should take another step. Would I be thrown into oblivion as I entered this huge creature? "That's a large door," I said, as the captain and stewardesses greeted me with smiles. Actually, I was trying to see exactly where the door was. I never did find it...all I saw was a large opening that I was suppose to enter in at.

Everything seemed fine. No one was disappearing, or being cloaked in invisibility. This baby was HUGE! Did I miss something? Was this Air Force 1? And why have I been invited to experience such a ride on my mere $464?

I make my way to the assigned seat that had so much leg room, I really thought there had been a mistake of some sort. As I put my carry-on in the more than adequate over-head bin, I notice a TV screen...ON MY SEAT! Well, it wasn't actually ON my seat. It was on the back of the seat in front of me. Just like every seat on this monster. Well, what was I supposed to do with that? I certainly wasn't going to pay for watching anything. It was, however, a nice touch.

As the plane was preparing for take-off, the captain's voice came over the loud speaker welcoming us all and instructing us to watch the monitor in front of us for instructions in case of an untimely, and un-asked for, adventure into the sea or any mountainous range, we might find ourselves connecting with. Well, how nice. They fixed it where we couldn't say we didn't know what to do, in case of emergency, because of all the noise from other passengers that felt the need to talk loudly through-out the instructions. Niiiiccccceeee....

I peered out the window, from across three seats breadth (I had the isle seat), looking at the wing. On most flights, you can actually see the complete length of the wings. Not on this one. Holy Moly...exactly how long is that thing? How wide? I do believe that one wing was as big as most planes I ride between NC and OK.

Sitting over the small landscapes they call wings, I began to hear this horrific noise, as if someone were cutting the tail of the plane off with a gigantic electric can opener. It took me a while, but eventually I realized it was only the wheels of the plane being tucked away until needed for landing. Truly, had me concerned for a moment.

May I just say that bigger is not always better. As impressive as my ride was, it proved to be a bumpy  one, back to N.C. But I suppose it might have been worse in a smaller plane. It just seemed to have a lot of groans and moans...creaks and shudders. Glad I had plenty of leg room.

Hopefully, I won't have to experience many more frequent flights. But if I do...I'm going to see if my large Bird of Prey will pick me up again. With all it's groaning, it still was nicer than having to sit on someone's lap. Much better than having sneezes sneezed all over me. Nicer than stale air. And hugely better than having to squeeze my bag under my seat along with my purse, creating zero space for my weary feet.

Once I get my husband here for real, maybe we'll just all settle in here...in Mary's World.

The Winds of Change

As a native Oklahoman, I sit in North Carolina thinking about the tornado season that is preparing its yearly entrance into my home town and the surrounding 4 states. It's never a pleasant season to face...we've seen the destruction these massive winds cause. As much as I love "storms", these are way too fearful to be even slightly pleasant.

Seasons come and go in every area of our lives. Much like the destruction of tornadoes, so it is with the battle that presents itself in our minds, from time to time. Nothing stays the same, even though there is nothing new under the sun. There are days we are inspired. And there are days we seem to face the mightiest winds of opposition...of doubt. We struggle with despondency and anguish. We brood (sulk). We feel sorry for ourselves as we battle waves of discouragement. There are times we feel as if we're drowning, and there is no hand to reach for us, to pull us to safety. Or we feel as if the wind is blowing with gale-like force against our every movement, with no possible decline in strength. Thankfully, these times are not the normal living pattern...for me, anyway. But I do face them, as we all do.

This partial move of ours finds me without my study books (and a few other things, like my husband!)...which I really miss. I came to N.C. with the bare essentials, thinking all the rest of what I think I can't live without, would follow shortly. It's been 9 months and no evident change in sight. But tonight, as I read from a book loaned to me, I am reminded that I need not be fearful of anything. It seems as if I need to hear this way too frequently. It's a truth I know, but evidently forget.

There are no problems beyond the reach of an all-powerful, always available, omnipotent God who signed and sealed Romans 8:28. The beauty of this Scripture is that it is all-inclusive. It can do anything God can do. It is a divine promise that can touch any hurt and make a way of escape. It lands squarely on the path in front of us...every day, every moment. God transforms our sadness, our doubt, our trials...into victories. It's been said that He alone knows how to bring Easters out of Good Fridays. We can...and will, rise up out of what seems to be the ashes of life, if we but remember, and read again, Romans 8:28.

Even those hard situations we all face, are worked together for good to those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. Every last detail of my life has a higher purpose than I may be able to see. "Blessed is the man who believes, yet does not see" ~John 20:29 "Faith is the evidence of things not seen." ~Hebrews 11:1

I love it that God promised us ALL things work together for good. Not just today, but every day. Not just the fog that seems to surround me, but even the waiting. It's all for good. I am not my own. I was purchased with a price that only He was able to pay. As we search the Scriptures, we find the table He prepared for us in the midst of those things that would pull us from Him, from His promises. When the storms force us to take them on, we have a shield in the promises of our God.

Some days after finishing up my work day, I will find a spot under a tree, to park my car. I'll put the windows down and allow the cool breeze to sweep through as I recline the seat...push it back from the steering wheel, and just relax. I watch people rushing in and out of the stores, some wandering as if they don't know where they are. It's a time of reflection for me as I visit with God. Sometimes I've even fallen asleep, He's just that comforting. It's as if He gives me peace for the moment, telling me it's going to work out for good.

No one likes the real storms of life. No one. I've never heard anyone say they couldn't wait for the next difficult patch to hit them. That would just be weird. I'm not sure I would believe them. Regardless, it's those strong winds of adversity that causes us to become faithful. To become focused. Something is created deep within us. So, I'm thinking it must be that time again. The time to be taught another truth. As long as I have an anchor, I'm good. And that's something I'll never have to be without.

 Winning the battle of the mind...here you'll find me, in Mary's World.

Memories Held Captive

Memories are beautiful things...or horrific things. Memories are like computer hard drives. Everything is stored there for future reference. Memories don't need a back-up, however, like computer hard drives do, just in case they over-load, or crash. Our memories have a mind of their own. Maybe that's their back up. They have the ability to bring up something that happened long ago, or just a moment ago, and that ability was installed in our brain from the beginning of creation, I suppose. The longer I live, the more in awe I am at what God has put inside this funny little package I call my body. We have so much within our grasp, that we rarely grab hold of and use, in our short lives on this planet. Curious, indeed. Now, what was the purpose of that? If only wisdom began earlier than it normally does.

Upon awakening this morning, the first thing that filtered itself through my brain was, "I'll go where you want me to go, Lord." I lay there for a bit trying to decide what that meant exactly. Why was that my first thought? Usually I wake with things like, "What time is it? It's gotta be around 6:30...maybe 7:00." "What day is this?" Silly little things that really don't matter so much...unless it's actually 8:30 instead of 6:30.

Anyway, this morning's first thought has got my memories slapping me around. I've learned a few things since moving to N.C. I guess I should say a few things have had a light shown upon them, where they had once lived...in the shadows of my mind. One very predominate thing is something I've always known and have encouraged others with. Isn't that just like God? He uses us not just for others, but for ourselves also...even if we're not aware of it until years later. That one thing that has me taking deep breaths today, is this: I cannot live on what was. I cannot hold my memories captive. What once was, is no longer necessary. ~ Joshua 5:12-15

There are many transitions in life. Many forks in the road. Many chapters in the book of our life. Different seasons in life. Many pieces to be woven in the tapestry of creation. Whatever you want to call it. Change happens, but memories stick around. It's not that we are living in our own little fantasy world. Well, hopefully we aren't. It's just harder for some of us to flip that proverbial page and get on with new and exciting things. You know who you are! I'm one of you. Even though I've always said I love change and the challenges that life brings, I find I have not been completely honest with myself. I want growth, in me and all those I love, but that means I have to let go of the past. It's really not so bad. I still have my hard drive. Literally. I document a LOT of stuff. Wish I'd had the for-with-all to start sooner than I did.

So...what exactly am I saying here? That's a really good question. Like most things, when God speaks to my heart it's usually for me only, so no-one ever really "gets it" like I do. You have your own "God moments" that I may not get either. :)

My point is simply that I have desired some things to remain as I once knew them, a few short years ago, when our girls were but wee little sweet people that loved my kisses and hugs. However, they are now all grown up (29 & 30 years old), and really don't need what they once did. I thought that would never end. I've held it in my hands for a long time now. My fist has been clenched so long, my hand hurts. This morning, my fist (my mind...my memories) opened up and released what I have always held dear and have insisted they remain the same. Oh, I'll still hold on to those precious memories. I don't think I could wipe them out or delete them even if I wanted to. What I've chosen to do is simply let my girls be women. And beautiful women they are! They'll do it regardless of whether I get on board or not. But they won't have to feel guilty any longer because Mom seems sad so much.

It's true, we can hold others captive while we are insisting on things remaining the same. I didn't even realize it until this morning. "I'll go where you want me to go." Wow...who knew those words could throw open locked doors? I'm still not certain why they were my first thoughts, but God does. And He has a way of getting my attention when I least expect it. Maybe there's still something He has to say about that, that I haven't seen yet. But for some reason, today He has chosen this, to release my memories. I'll hold them close, but not too close.

Today's a new day. A new season. A new chapter. Another beautiful thread in the tapestry. A fork in the road. I'm ready to see what's around the corner on the journey I seem to be on. Make some new memories.

And whilst I'm at it...you can always find me here...in Mary's World!

What Does Respect and Transparency Have In Common?

Transparency is an interesting subject for me. Transparency, for me, means that others can see who I really am, as they use the light of God's truth on what I say, not necessarily on how they interpret the words, taking them for face value. Not taking the time to look deeper for the whys. It doesn't mean (to me), that my mouth opens and out falls a bunch of words about myself. That doesn't necessarily expose who I am, or who I hope to be someday. I may be hurting terribly, yet covering most of the pain, because I know I will be instructed on how I should or shouldn't be. When looking beyond the moment, many things will come into focus. We're able to see past the evident imperfections, because we ourselves are not really that different from anyone else. We are all a work in progress. Age doesn't matter. The toddler makes mistakes, the young person makes mistakes, the teen makes mistakes, the young adult makes mistakes, the middle-aged make mistakes, the senior citizen makes mistakes, and the elderly make mistakes.

I do think if we could all be honest, speaking the truth, when in a sensitive conversation (or otherwise), it would be a good thing. Tempering that honesty with kindness, respect, and understanding, would make for a much better atmosphere, as we attempt to live in peace with each other. Ah...respect. It simply appears to have flown out the door (or window) in many families...in many communities.

I notice it more with the elderly, I suppose. Have we lost our respect for the paths they've had to walk? Why do we treat them as if, once they've reached a certain age, they are  no longer of any value? Why do we make them feel as if we only tolerate their presence? I don't get it. I find it so very interesting to sit and listen to their stories...and yes, their advise.

"There is nothing new under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 1:9). It doesn't matter what generation we come from, life's issues are the same. The world is not getting worse...it's always had it's problems. Large problems. But Christ came to show us how to live in the midst of those (very real) problems. He's given us a table in the presence of those who would hurt us, intentionally or not. That table is a place where we can refresh our spirit and acquire strength to continue.

To honor those that have walked the road, years before us, is to honor God's purposes and plans for humanity. They have acquired knowledge, some wisdom...in the midst of all that they've faced while clearing a path for those coming after them. Yet, much of the time, I see just the opposite as being true. Those that haven't journeyed as long, seem to think they know more than those that already have traveled the narrow, obstruction filled path. They use the tired, old adage, "My path is different. You can't possibly know what I'm facing." While it may be true that your path looks a bit different than anyone elses, be sure the solutions are the same. Cause and effect of life's issues, all have a common denominator.

I'm not trying to put all of creation in this small box. I'm not saying all are of this mindset. It's just that when I see the lack of respect, it makes me intensely sad. And I see it way too often. If you think someone is not being totally honest with you, check to see if you've given them a safe place to be transparent. Check to see if they are honored while in your presence.

Being transparent here, in Mary's World, I will remain until I'm not.

Things Are Rarely What They Seem

From time to time we find ourselves speculating about this or that. We are told never to speculate, because speculation creates sad hearts as the truth emerges. Sometimes we may even fantasize about how things should or could be, and wonder why they aren't. Rarely do those scenarios play out in our realities, because they aren't within our reach...for one reason or another. They are only desires of the heart. A need we think we have, that isn't being filled.

So what does one do to keep from sinking into despair? To keep from feeling completely alone? I know what the easy road is, the road that beckons as we face the same situation day after day after day. It's withdrawing into a shell, created from the pain of what we see as rejection. It's pretending everything is just fine and dandy...when in reality the heart literally hurts, feeling stuck, with no place of escape. Or we will choose to lash out in unbecoming anger that neither helps nor resolves anything.

We are told to "take care of yourself, because no-one else will." What a sad statement. But...as in everything under the sun, there is a bit of truth in that lie. We must be the one that walks through this great deception, even though there may be others that will walk beside us. No one can change our despair, other than the God of truth. And if we've allowed ourselves to sink into the mire of self-pity, then it just may be a long trek.

For many years I've said, "For every problem, there's a solution." That being true, the steps needed to find most solutions are foggy, at best, if the first one is omitted. We are so used to using our own mental resources for resolving issues that are messing with us, we forget to include the One that set all things in motion. And the problem gets much bigger than we ever expected it would.

Step 1:
We must go to the Father of light...the God of creation...the Redeemer of broken hearts...the Healer of all wounds..the One who frees the captives, the prisoners...the One who comforts those who mourn. ~Isaiah 61:1 If we acknowledge His wisdom in all things, He will direct us. ~Proverbs 3:6 (paraphrased)

Step 2:
Step back and take another look at what the truth of the matter is. Don't allow emotions to dictate the situation.

Step 3:
Cry if you must. Tears are actually healing, in and of themselves. We always feel somewhat better after a good cry. Mourning is not a bad thing. We must allow it on occasion. Mourn, then get on with life the best way you know how.

Step 4:
Always choose to find the good in any given situation. It's easy to see the not-so-good. Too easy. That alone should tell us it's trying to imprison us. Even if the problem truly is horrible, there will always be some good to be found...if we but look for it. It may not show itself for a while, but it will be there.

Step 5:
If we begin to slip back into old habits of speculation, review Step 1.

King David had his fair share of problems. At one point, all the men that served in his army prepared to stone him because they blamed him for causing the destruction of their homes, with their wives and children being taken captive. Stoning in that day was not just throwing rocks at someone. They used huge boulders that crushed the body. David could have despaired to the point of withdrawing in his shell and he never would have conquered his enemy, and gotten back the wives and children. But he didn't. David encouraged himself by incorporating Step 1. He asked the Lord what he should do. You'll find his story in I Samuel 30.

I'm not saying I'm anywhere close to having the problems David did. But he had the right idea. Some things we just can't handle ourselves.

Tonight, I choose to follow David's lead. Tonight, here in Mary's World, I will encourage myself in the Lord...and ask of Him.

That Age Thingy

Amazingly enough, I have found myself to be at the age of having to look life (and the end of it) squarely in the eye. As far as I know, I'm a healthy individual, not having to rely on any type of medication or life sustaining paraphernalia. I even resist the occasional ibuprofen for the headaches that come with seasonal allergies...which I didn't have until about 5 years ago. I suppose the immune system I was born with is getting a bit tired, and lets some things slip by it unnoticed. However, I feel strong, not having to deal with such things as arthritis, heart issues, blood pressure issues, or other substantially debilitating problems.

Yesterday was a real eye opener, however, as I found myself becoming emotional as Lindsey and I sat in a wealth builder's office. I think I was able to hide it pretty well, but none-the-less, it was most likely one of the hardest days I've lived (thus far) since moving to N.C. My husband and I had promised our children that we would seek out long-term care insurance, since we were "getting to that age." Heads up, y'all...it's not one that's easy to look at. Have you ever seen the cost of this type of insurance? Geez...now I know why many have to depend on the government for help as they get closer to "that age." I've seen many standing at the pharmaceutical counter, having to give what little money they had, to purchase medication for what ailed them. I've heard horror stories of how they didn't have enough to buy food because of the price of their meds. And forget the cost of heat during the cold winter months, or air conditioning during the heat of summertime. Then as their health failed completely, they had to be put in a government ran facility, with less than desired care.

The hard thing about this type of insurance is that one never knows if they will actually need it, but it could mean the difference of the quality of life one experiences when the time comes should they need help. And we wouldn't have to stress our girls out with what to do with Mom and/or Dad. It's still pretty confusing to me. I'm wondering how we'll make this decision with the price tag being so large. But it is something we will need to decide very soon.

The really good news is that we serve a faithful God. Should the decision be to bring peace of mind to all concerned, we'll find the money. He gives wisdom to those that ask. So, maybe this bridge we're looking at crossing over, isn't so rickety after all.

No matter what the decision is, here you'll find me...in Mary's World, maintaining all that has been given me to manage...until "that age" comes.

How Did She Do It?

I went to Oklahoma to see the new year in. Not liking flying so much, I definitely like it less now. I think the air bus was filled with those needing to be under a doctor's care. And of course, there was that one whose seat was next to mine, that must not have been taught manners when sneezing or coughing. It was a quiet ride, except for the explosive germs being spewed throughout the cabin. 

My immune system gave way to a low grade fever, chills, tremendous headache, eyes & teeth pain, etc., etc. My new mommy (aka eldest daughter, Lindsey), insisted I stay in and rest. I did go to work the first day back, thinking I really wasn't going to get sick. My voice sounded like it was out of a horror movie, but other than that, I was good to go. Felt just fine. It was the NEXT day that things got a little intense. Yada, yada...

The real purpose for this blog is due to waking at 3 a.m. this morning, aching all over from being in bed for 2 full days and nights. Anyone who knows me, knows its one of the hardest things for me...to be still for more than 2 hours in one place...with the exception of bedtime where I need a full 8 hours of sleep.

As I lay there, wishing there was something...anything...I could do other than lay around, my sister Becky once again invaded my thoughts. Thinking of how my own body was miserable, I wondered, "HOW DID SHE DO IT"?!!! She had no choice in the matter. PSP doesn't give a person that choice. It holds you captive, like it or not. With no ability to voice her pain, or her needs, she was at the mercy of whomever would offer help, without knowing what that help should look like. She had the best care giver anyone could hope for. I will never forget the mercy...the grace...with which her husband, so willingly gave of himself to make her as comfortable and content as possible. He gave up his own needs and desires to care for hers...the best way he knew how. I don't know how he did it either. But I am forever grateful he was there for her.

I wish I would have done more. Been more sensitive to her needs. It was new territory for us all. We had never heard of PSP...in fact, it took many specialists to diagnose the problems she was having, and then a neurosurgeon, delivered the most horrible diagnoses of all...Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. PSP is a neurodegenerative brain disease that has no known cause, treatment or cure. It affects nerve cells that control walking, balance, mobility, vision, speech, and swallowing. For Becky, it started in her feet, and gradually moved up her body until the only control she had was blinking her eyes. She began stumbling, not able to pick her feet up, yet stubborn enough to try. Then falling, busting her head open. Denny had to stay close, 24/7 for several years, as the disease continued to consume her. She pushed herself, until there was nothing to push. She told me one time, "I tell my feet to move, but they won't." Her writing became very small and illegible. She would sit for hours playing Solitaire on the computer (her hand wouldn't respond to her instruction), after being "danced" from room to room. Denny let her do as much as she could, for as long as she could. By this time, she couldn't walk on her own, so he put his arms around her, lifted her from the chair, swayed back and forth, until they reached their destination. I've heard that your strength grows in time of need. And this was certainly a time of need for him...and her!

I'm not so sure she could see out of her eyes toward the end...they looked very clouded, and upon a visit from one of her loved nieces, she said, "Is that you, Erin?" She always called Lindsey by her middle name...how that started, I'm not sure, I just know they had a strong connection. One of the harder things to swallow was the fact she never lost her awareness of things happening around her. She just didn't have any control over her environment. As the months turned into years, she lost complete control. No longer able to speak, move, swallow.

This is what I was thinking about in the early morning hours of January 6th., 2013. I was miserable until Becky intruded upon my aches and pains. I needed to move from a sitting position (propped up so I could breathe), to a more lateral one because my skin hurt from being in one position for so long. She couldn't move. How could Denny know when she needed moved? My teeth hurt, my head hurt. Did hers? Who could know??? My mouth was so dry, I badly needed a drink of water. Did she ever get that thirsty? How could she swallow it anyway? Did she ever wish she could reposition herself? I know Den turned her frequently, but those in-between times...she must have had needs none of us knew about. How did she do it? Did she ever have an ear ache? Did she need to scratch her head, or have an itch that wouldn't go away? I have a particular spot on my back that needs scratching from time to time. I can't reach it, so I have my husband scratch until there's that "ahhhh" relief. Did she have spots that needed scratched? Who could know? Did she ever just want her faced washed? Den had a regimen with her personal needs. He saw to it that she was clean and dressed. I can't begin to imagine all he must have given to her. But, what about those times in between, that she might have needed a cool washcloth on her face, or warm one, that was out of the routine? Who could know? Were her shoes too tight? Her undergarments twisted? Was she uncomfortable? Did her back hurt from sitting in a certain position? And her neck...as the PSP progressed, it was impossible to keep her head in the normal position. It would fall back, the neck would stiffen. Did it hurt?

When I was there, styling her hair and applying her makeup for the day, I would try to talk about things I knew she would be interested in knowing. Things like how the girls were doing. How the shop was doing...yet I often wondered if she wanted to talk about her needs, but couldn't. Even researching the disease and becoming somewhat involved with the online support group, I still felt ill equiped and not much help. She seemed so at peace with the situation. When she could talk, the last few things I heard her say (repeatedly) was, "I have this jump up and down joy inside of me." I'm pretty sure she wasn't experiencing anything in the natural realm that caused that. For me, there is only one explanation. God's grace extended to her. She had reached a place where she knew the Father, like few of us do. I'm not so sure I'm there yet. I trust Him totally for the outcome of what I offer up to Him. I have a peace inside, that can't be explained, even though I may ask stupid questions and get anxious for change. Still I'm at peace. But Becky...well, I think she went beyond that. Jump up and down joy? The body that was transforming right before our eyes didn't seem to matter much to her. A once vivacious, get it done, or get out of the way kind of gal...she now was the most laid back, whatever comes my way, type of individual. I thank God for this kindness extended to her.

So...once again, I'm brought back to the importance of life. Not just the physical life we are experiencing her on planet Earth. But more importantly, the spiritual life that only God can give. The One who places deep within us, that "jump up and down joy", when we need it the most.

Forgive me for grumbling, Lord. Thank you for Becky...

Until He brings me home, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.