Today's Reasoning:
It's been a night of unrest for me. Waking at 2:22 AM, for the second day now, is messing with my soul (and body). It's been a long while since my mind has been in a fast forward motion, carrying around all the pain and anxious feelings I encounter. Feels a bit like a rewind of years gone by. But here's the thing...
God never promised us a life of continual happiness and smooth sailing. In the reality of humanity, we must face storms to understand our imperfections, the flawed nature of who we are, and to realize just how much we need a savior, as we give in, exposing what is truly in our hearts. Things we didn't know we could feel any longer, come pouring out of our inner most being and like a blanket of acid, fall down upon the ones we claim to love the most.
Forceful words, coupled with an action, will tear at the inner fiber of who we are. Rejection steals the best of who we are by reinforcing the worst of what's been said to us. Do our words define us? I think so. It must first be in our heart, our mind, before it comes out of the mouth (Matthew 12:34). If this is true, then our actions define us, as well. At least in part...
We can't offer a simple "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that," without first allowing a good hard look inside ourselves. What is at the root of this defensive monster who wants control at all cost? And what will be the breaking point of allowing those defenses to control our action(s)?
Simply put, brokenness can't provide stability. We are all desperate to anchor our souls to something we can trust won't change, and we continue to look for it, until we don't. Feelings of "I don't matter. I am worth nothing to (fill in the blank). "And if all this is true, it's possible that even God doesn't love me, and wants nothing to do with me." It's like we have climbed the ladder to a tall slide, ready to descend into a very dark abyss. Then...then, we find a hiding place and become silent, because we are unwanted. Until we have a visitor...
The visitor? The only One who can save a darkened soul, a hardened heart, that has become a defeated cluster of cells that still breathe, regardless of the weight of anxious thoughts. A heart that still flickers, but was once a flame, is where God shows up. In the quiet stillness of the human heart, God speaks life. Because it is His creation, and He won't stop until the heart He prepared for himself realizes it is truly, wholly, loved (Colossians 3:12). Regardless of what it must face. BECAUSE of what it must face.
One last thought: Feelings are like broken support beams that will expose insecurity needing stabilized. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and completely stable. Today, God is reminding me He will never leave me to wallow in self pity, licking my wounds. He understands me. He knows my whys and my insecurities. He has walked beside me since the day He instructed my cells to form and complete the necessary work of becoming more like Him. The question we must always ask ourselves? Do we really trust God to anchor us? To stabilize us? I think we'll find our answers in Psalm 8.
As always, here you'll find me...in Mary's World
