Facing the Darkness: Preview

Have you ever felt as though you just might be slipping back into an abyss you had already been freed from?

I've heard that God designed our brains to be able to shut out cruel and unjust events that were once a part of a persons existence, just so they could see their future as a brighter hope. I've also seen the quote that floats around Facebook, from time-to-time, as well. It says, "Never look back, you're not going that way."
Ummm...not sure I agree with that.The not looking back part. Maybe that quote would be better served up as, "Don't LIVE in the past. Step into the future." Maybe the quote was meant as, "Never look back (so as to DESIRE it), you're not going that way." That would make better sense.

However, when we remember from whence we came, as we are stepping into the light and becoming who we were designed to be, we can straighten ourselves a bit better. It's because of those dark days that our aim can swing more true, and our hearts become so full of gratitude for the place we find ourselves to be now. I think it may be healthy (in some aspects), to never forget, and on occasion, look back at the days we have allowed to be stolen from us. We just can't stay there long. 

I don't lay blame on anyone for the days I spent in the darkened abyss. I blame only myself, for it was of my own free will that I landed there. Naivety helped get me there, but it was I who chose to remain. Only because I believed a lie. And when I had gotten to the end of myself, where I could no longer breathe, I called out to the God who rescues, "Please don't leave me now."

All I can say is that it was  an amazing morning (early afternoon), for me. I worked nights, until 2 AM, during that time in my life, so many, many years ago. My "mornings" were actually early afternoons. I was sitting on a much too expensive couch that had been purchased with the money I made at Roger Miller's King of the Road Hotel, where I was employed. Working the lounge of the Roof (the actual enclosed with windows, roof of the building and quite beautiful), it wasn't uncommon for me to bring home a bag full of tips. A rather large bag. When you serve those who lose all common sense, while enjoying the music of the rich & famous artists, and ordering one right after the other of those mind altering spirits, it's rather easy to get them to leave a wad of cash...just for you. So, money wasn't an issue for me in those days. But, I wasn't quite the person I was designed to be, either.

Along my journey, I had purchased a Family Bible. Ah...I knew it, you say? Nah. The only reason of purchase (at least in my darkened brain) was because it was pure white, and trimmed in gold. It would look awesome on my glass coffee table, with its gold knobbed corners. Don't gag. It was the early 70's and glass with gold trim was very "in". My apartment was laid out where I had to go through the living room to get to the kitchen. I did eat, on occasion. 

I was miserable that morning (early afternoon). Sick of who I had become. I had literally just sat up in bed, looked into the large vanity mirror, and the first thing coming from my lips was, "I hate you!" As I dragged myself out of bed and past the coffee table with "the Book", I stopped. It was time to see what the inside of that book looked like. I just slipped my fingers into the book and flipped it open. Right smack dab into Isaiah 59. The first 3 verses leaped into my mind, as if an arrow had been waiting to find its mark. Out of that HUGE Bible, it was these verses that I "accidentally" turned to. 

Isaiah 59:1-3: "Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor His ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear. For your hands are stained with blood, your fingers with guilt. Your lips have spoken lies, and your tongue has muttered wicked things." Tears began to roll down my cheeks as I sat alone with the God who saves. The God who knew me. My heart responded with, "Please don't leave me now." My eyes and my mind were very attentive to what they had just read. I could have sworn I heard His voice in that empty-of-life, room. I was fully awake now, and there was an instant need to flip past those pages that exposed what I had become. Let me stop for just a second here, to let you know it's not that easy to run when God is speaking into your heart. Try as we might, we won't get far. We may run, but we can't hide. That next random flip of the pages, landed at Isaiah 1:18. "Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins be like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool." What in the world?! It's as though someone knew me from the inside out. And that's all I could handle that particular afternoon. My heart was racing, as the tears flowed from my eyes. The book closed as the last 3 years flooded from the dark recesses of my mind and memories came oozing out as I sat and cried on what money had purchased for me, but could not give what I needed. The love I was looking for wasn't to be found where I was looking. Wasn't it the most ironic thing that God used the thief, the guy I was "doing life" with, to tell me what a nice look it would be for that large white Bible to have a place on my coffee table? Don't you see? God rescues us, no matter what avenue He must take to do it. He uses whomever is available even when they don't realize they are being used by God for a higher purpose. He simply meets us where we are. Somewhere in the darkness.

Let's take a short look back, before the day God grabbed my attention. One of the beginning wake-up calls came as I was sitting across the table from one of my friends. It was during an early breakfast, after work. It was 3 AM, and Faith (ironic name for this friend), who just happened to be one of the foulest mouthed gals I had ever ran into, was about to speak into my life. We were sitting across from each other, at a local Denny's restaurant. I couldn't tell you what we were talking about. I don't remember that. The thing that found a lodging place in my mind, was what she responded with. As she leaned back and laughed, she said, "Wow! You have got the foulest mouth of anyone I have ever known." I couldn't believe my ears. I was truly taken aback. Shocked, actually. I had thought SHE had the foulest of foul mouths. And to have her say that about ME, shook my world. But it would take more than that to pull me back. To get me to take a good hard look at myself.

I had been raised in a Christian home, that had imperfect people living as Godly a life as they could. Lots of rules. Lots of discipline. Lots of work. None of which should be declared bad. Some pretty awesome people came from that home. We weren't without fault, or without strongholds that would eventually need addressed in our later years. But, it was our life, and the goal was one of raising young lives to grow into responsible citizens. I think Mom & Dad succeeded. A few of us strayed (ya think?) from the straight and narrow, but, we all came back to it. Eventually. And we were all very responsible individuals that carried our own weight and the weight of others, in many cases. We worked together, we played (when there was time) together, we went to church together. Yet, we all needed rescued at some point in our lives, simply because humanity does not understand the way of true love, until they meet the One who gave up His rights to himself to show us the meaning of real love. He's a personal God that knows us from the inside out. Can you agree?

So...back to my beginning question. "Have you ever felt as though you just might be slipping back into an abyss you had already been freed from"? It's so easy to make declarations of the knowledge of Christ, the commitments we have made to Him, only to have it become a new form of Gnosticism, which claims that special knowledge is the way to God. However, true love is the only evidence that one is following Christ. When someone is unkind, someone who is suppose to be holding your heart as if Christ were holding it, uses words to pierce that heart, strong feelings of dislike for that person arises. Possibly even hate. Yeah, that's a strong word. But it causes a storm to gather overhead, yes? Now you must deal with what seems like a wicked and evil force that has laughed in your face. 

We are imperfect people that must aright ourselves from time to time. What we need ask ourselves is this: Am I arguing doctrine and heresies while pointing fingers at sinners? Am I living in fear of loss, condemnation, darkness? Am I sharing my love with only those who love me in return? Do I constantly defend myself from those who judge me? 

Here is what Paul says about love: "...love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and holds no record of wrong." ~I Corinthians 13:5    Wow...that takes a minute or two (or an eternity) to think about.

We all want to enter that room that holds all these truths, but when we do, we have to leave all that we treasure behind. All our rights to ourselves. Be honest. Isn't that all it comes down to? Demanding our rights to ourselves. Demanding love where none is given? Taking care of number 1? Well, we can't be in both rooms at the same time, in the same way that darkness cannot be in light, in the same way that fear cannot be in love. We cannot serve two masters at the same time.

I think I've given us enough to chew on for awhile. The abyss awaits those who choose it. So does freedom...

It's sticky. It's Murky. It's frightening, to go back and relive in our minds what was. But sometimes it's necessary. Just to remind ourselves we aren't the same person we used to be. That alone makes it so much easier for me to "hold no record of wrong", simply because there is no darkness in light. Once truth has been revealed, forgiveness becomes truth. 

Want more of my story back from the darkness? It was a long journey. Many stories to tell. Not sure if I can, actually. 

Still, I'll try, here...in Mary's World.