As a person who has no problem speaking her mind (and I mean that in a good way), I wish I could be more silent much of the time. But, silence seems to deafen me. It puts me in a lonely place and closes me in. I sat in silence for many years, as a physically and mentally abused person…afraid to speak, afraid to have an opinion. Trying to balance my life in Christ with the same brain that plays re-runs of a time in hell, can be challenging on occasion. As I remind myself, that is not my life anymore, I'm able to see more clearly. I know there is a balance to be had.
An ancient saying, "Two ears, one mouth" says we should listen more than we speak. The ears are always open, ever ready to receive instruction; but the tongue is surrounded with a double row of teeth, to hedge it in, and to keep it within proper bounds.
God has, over the course of my life, gotten my attention by what seems to be a good whacking, right between the eyes. That's my soft spot for recognizing insanity. Why I must be drawn back from it's edge on occasion, is (I suppose) irrelevant. I just seem to wander back to that "safe" place of mine.
That's the place where I know everything, but claim to know nothing, and act as though I'm the go-to person. And of course, that's said with tongue in cheek…barricaded with those aging, double rows of teeth.
Last night was one of those times. I call them "defining moments." You see, God is bringing me back from a time of solitude, to a safe place where I can once again, be a part of something bigger than myself. One would think that a person who has lived the length of years that I have, would know by now, the balance needed for something so simple as good conversations. I do…I just forget about it as I begin to feel acceptance. I know…there's so many things wrong with this. It's a good thing, on one hand..yet can quickly become a place of walking too close to the edge of insanity again.
The cool thing is, God does this to us without the person He's using to whack us, even knowing it. It's because it's a heart issue. A PERSONAL heart issue. He jumps to the chase and quickly yanks out a thorn, or at the very least, points to it's infection spreading area…so that we can extract it ourselves. He's God. He knows exactly what it will take for us to hear His voice, loud and clear. Yet, many times (most times), it's a gradually letting go, and He tells us it's totally up to us whether to extract or leave the thorn (enemy of our soul) in place. The pain that comes from removing something you've grown around, allowing it to become embedded into your character, is a struggle between, "but, this is who I am…this identifies me, it's my lifeline", to "how much am I willing to change and let God be the master instructor of my mouth (or whatever your thorn is…mine's my mouth)?" And we don't want to "throw the baby out with the dish water", so-to-speak.
Since we're talking about me, here…if I decided to never voice my opinion again, or to sit quietly (always), then God's voice, through my reliance upon Him, can't encourage others, can't instruct others, and can't love others with His acceptance of them, whenever they're around me. See, there's that balance I was speaking of. To withdraw completely would be just as damning as talking incessantly, consuming all the time given for one setting.
James 1:19 instructs us to be "swift to hear and slow to speak." Even though James was speaking about the nature of the Christian Jews, at become easily angered, we have to understand there is a truth much deeper than just controlling ones anger. How can we learn from others, if we are the ones always talking? There's a time and place for everything.
Please understand I am not advocating total silence, total abandonment of the voice God gave us. I'm speaking of balance. Naturally speaking, when my equilibrium is a little out of kilter, I stand with my feet planted, trusting them to steady me. Spiritually speaking, when my balance has become out of kilter, I stand with my heart positioned toward the One who created it, and trust it will steady me.
So…even though I've been freed from my silent prison of years ago, I still need to remember that silence can be good on occasion. ;)
And as always, here you'll find me…in Mary's World.
