Upon awakening this morning, the first thing that filtered itself through my brain was, "I'll go where you want me to go, Lord." I lay there for a bit trying to decide what that meant exactly. Why was that my first thought? Usually I wake with things like, "What time is it? It's gotta be around 6:30...maybe 7:00." "What day is this?" Silly little things that really don't matter so much...unless it's actually 8:30 instead of 6:30.
Anyway, this morning's first thought has got my memories slapping me around. I've learned a few things since moving to N.C. I guess I should say a few things have had a light shown upon them, where they had once lived...in the shadows of my mind. One very predominate thing is something I've always known and have encouraged others with. Isn't that just like God? He uses us not just for others, but for ourselves also...even if we're not aware of it until years later. That one thing that has me taking deep breaths today, is this: I cannot live on what was. I cannot hold my memories captive. What once was, is no longer necessary. ~ Joshua 5:12-15
There are many transitions in life. Many forks in the road. Many chapters in the book of our life. Different seasons in life. Many pieces to be woven in the tapestry of creation. Whatever you want to call it. Change happens, but memories stick around. It's not that we are living in our own little fantasy world. Well, hopefully we aren't. It's just harder for some of us to flip that proverbial page and get on with new and exciting things. You know who you are! I'm one of you. Even though I've always said I love change and the challenges that life brings, I find I have not been completely honest with myself. I want growth, in me and all those I love, but that means I have to let go of the past. It's really not so bad. I still have my hard drive. Literally. I document a LOT of stuff. Wish I'd had the for-with-all to start sooner than I did.
So...what exactly am I saying here? That's a really good question. Like most things, when God speaks to my heart it's usually for me only, so no-one ever really "gets it" like I do. You have your own "God moments" that I may not get either. :)
My point is simply that I have desired some things to remain as I once knew them, a few short years ago, when our girls were but wee little sweet people that loved my kisses and hugs. However, they are now all grown up (29 & 30 years old), and really don't need what they once did. I thought that would never end. I've held it in my hands for a long time now. My fist has been clenched so long, my hand hurts. This morning, my fist (my mind...my memories) opened up and released what I have always held dear and have insisted they remain the same. Oh, I'll still hold on to those precious memories. I don't think I could wipe them out or delete them even if I wanted to. What I've chosen to do is simply let my girls be women. And beautiful women they are! They'll do it regardless of whether I get on board or not. But they won't have to feel guilty any longer because Mom seems sad so much.
It's true, we can hold others captive while we are insisting on things remaining the same. I didn't even realize it until this morning. "I'll go where you want me to go." Wow...who knew those words could throw open locked doors? I'm still not certain why they were my first thoughts, but God does. And He has a way of getting my attention when I least expect it. Maybe there's still something He has to say about that, that I haven't seen yet. But for some reason, today He has chosen this, to release my memories. I'll hold them close, but not too close.
Today's a new day. A new season. A new chapter. Another beautiful thread in the tapestry. A fork in the road. I'm ready to see what's around the corner on the journey I seem to be on. Make some new memories.
And whilst I'm at it...you can always find me here...in Mary's World!
No comments:
Post a Comment