When World's Collide

  

We were coming upon our 50th wedding anniversary. My husband had always loved giving me gifts he thought fitting for me, that he knew I would love because he loved them. He's always had an eye for excellence and loved showing me how much he loved me through those gifts that spoke louder than he had words for. Acts of kindness is his love language, some would say. He is, indeed, a people magnet. Possibly because of the kindness he shows to all who step into his world.

The brutal truth here is that most of my adult life I have felt unworthy of love. Not because I am a bad person. Not because I am a taker, yet never give. And not because I haven't loved others. But just because I haven't allowed myself to see as my Heavenly Father sees. To Him, I am perfect, in spite of my metaphorically crooked legs that cause me to stumble. In spite of my sometimes fearful heart. In spite of always looking for the worst case scenario. Always loving the times I allow the sun to shine on my face and lift me up from the dust of life. It's not that I focus on all the wrongs done to me during my short life. It's not that I keep myself chained to the past (or do I?). I do understand that I no longer am bound by it. It's only because I allow myself to be "triggered" by certain actions and statements, that bring the once hidden files rushing to the frontal lobe of my brain, where personality, social behavior, and emotional regulation take place. That's also when I need sugar. Lots of sugar. And we all know what sugar does to us. Right? It jacks us up before slamming us down, where we are virtually unable to cooperate with anything, or anyone.

There will be many who read this that won't understand what my heart is focused on this early A.M., but for some....well, they will know exactly what I am saying. Instantly...

The gift presented to me for so many years of being a faithful wife and mother, changed so many things. First of all, it reminded me of who I have always been. Not of what I had walked through that challenged who I have always been. Nor of who I was meant to be. One simple, yet profound gift. As I think about it today, I think of the Prodigal Son who, upon returning home, his father called for a ring to be placed on his finger. (There is so much more to this story that can be found in Luke 15:11-32). If one would take time to read this short passage, well...I'll just say this: This portion of Scripture has been known to melt the coldest of hearts.

The gift that was placed on my finger at the beginning of this month ( a couple of weeks before our anniversary), reminded me of who I am. And now, outward signs are developing that I had given up on ever happening. Like most, I had told myself this was my life (it is a good life) and that I should forget the desire of my heart of it being anything else. Oh, I'm still me. I'll always and forever, be me. Maybe a refined me??? We'll see where this takes us. If it indeed does take us somewhere other than where I've been my entire life.

Synopsis: God is always working on our behalf, and when we least expect it, will reveal his Love for us in a deeper, more meaningful way than we could ever imagine. And yes. He uses the mundane to reveal the extraordinary.

My hope for you this Christmas season, is that you will see. That you will actually feel the love that our Creator, our Heavenly Father, has for you. That you can get glimpses of how his heart feeds yours. That He is always waiting for us to look His way. To ask of Him. To love Him simply because He loves us. It is we who need changing. Not him.

May the joy of this season be yours, forever and always. 

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

    

The Shed Where Trotsy Lived

 

We only had about an acre of land that our humble home sat on. It was enough. Our back yard had an apple tree, a peach tree, and a persimmon tree that not only shared their beauty with us, but their fruit, as well! Most years there was an abundance. More than we could consume, so often times neighbors would stop in to gather bags of fruit for themselves. 

The Honeysuckle vines that lined our yard gave off an enticing fragrance that beckoned us to indulge in the sweet nectar that came from its blossoms. The picture you are seeing here, however, was, in the beginning, a small "play house" for our girls that later became a shed for a very important animal. It sat on the East side of our front yard (within viewing distance of my first ever business) and was never meant for the long-haul. We decorated it up with a window box positioned just beneath the fake window covering, appearing to be a protector of the window that wasn't really there. A functioning cover that could be opened and closed with ease, but we never did that, because, welllll....there was no window. I just liked the look. Clever. Right? 😁 And of course, it couldn't be complete without the old hanging shovel and pitchfork framing it. I loved this old building, once it had weathered and looked centuries old. The first (and last) building Dennis had put hard labor into building. I would tell him what was in my head, that I was certain we needed, and he would carry out my wishes to the best of his ability. That hasn't ceased over the 50 years of being married.

The old shed didn't get a lot of use, until our Meg received a gift that caused her heart to understand more fully what love really looked like. And that was the time we added an extension to the building that would be called "home" to this new found love. Must have been somewhere around 1995-96. Meg was only 11, possibly 12 years of age, at the time. The surprise gift came in the form of a horse. A very beautiful horse! More specifically, she was an Appaloosa horse that loved a good butt scratch So commanding of ones presence. And now we were faced with a challenge of where, in the small part of the world we called home, were we to put this beautiful creature. There was only one place to consider, really, and we knew it would have to be temporary at best.  Never in a million years would we expect something so...big, to take up space in our less than spacious front yard. 

Taken after Trotsy was finished with it...🤣

Beings this "pet" was a wee bit larger than the common dog, cat, hamster, or bird, she did present a dilemma. So...we asked father-in-law Denzil, and brother-in-law(s) Danny (was Jim there, too?), to help us build a fence around the East side of our yard where the shed (aka play house), stood. They added a lean-to that circled around to the back, so Trotsy would have a place to get in, out of the very cold winters we Oklahomans experienced. Rarely did a year go by that snow and ice didn't stop by for a visit and dump their contents onto us. Some years, we would wave the snow plow in, on its way into the city, just to dig our cars out from under the carport. Which, by-the-way, bent with the weight of the wet snow, as it packed itself onto its roof. Those were the years Dennis had to grab the trusty ladder and shovel some of that weight off. Nor was is uncommon for our yard to have a layer of ice spread from one end to the other during the winters chill as it blew through our part of the state. So, we did need a place to protect her from the cold as best we could. The lean-to was more of a surround-around ground-level porch, including a low step-up in which to keep her hay and grain dry. Dennis also made her a trough to eat from and we purchased a big galvanized container to water her. She was all set.

So many stories could be written about Meg's beautiful Trotsy, but not today. I only wanted to give my readers a tiny taste of what our lives were like in Oklahoma. It was our home for 39+ years. It was where God placed us, with purpose. I remember Dennis and I holding hands on the last day there, as he offered a prayer of thanksgiving for God's provision in the home he provided us to raise our treasures. Our girls. It was a bitter sweet moment, as more than a few tears were shed. But...the only constant in life is change, right? And God's love for His creation. That never changes either, and He promised me he would be wherever I found myself to be. We depended on Him then, and we depend on Him now, in the place we've called home for the last 11 years and 3 months. It's been said that home is where the heart is. And our girls, our heart, chose North Carolina when they became adults. So....

Leaning into memories of years gone by, here you will always find me...in Mary's World.

🎶You Make It Feel Like Christmas 🎵

Dennis and I are coming up on our 47th year as husband & wife. December 14th, 1974, was when it all began. That's more than a few years! In all of our "disagreements" (let's be real...ARGUMENTS), we have stuck like glue to each other. We've never given up on each other. It's true that humanity is broken, at best, but that doesn't mean there is not a whole lot of good in us.

Just a few days ago, someone very close to me, said, "I don't like Facebook because most of it is lies. People create posts and  pictures of themselves that leads one to believe they are so happy, and in reality, they are miserable." 

I get it. I really don't want anyone thinking otherwise of me, either. Do you? But, I have never believed anyone that has told me they have a perfect marriage, never disagreeing on anything, always happy. The simple truth is, we don't become strong without challenges. We don't learn to truly love another, without weathering the storms that can change a person in the blink of an eye. Dennis is my rock, even when we don't like each other. I depend on him as much as I depend on myself. Some things I must weather alone. I must deal with my own insecurities, my own weaknesses, my own imaginations. Yet, I know he will always be there for me at the end of my battles. Even THROUGH my battles. And he can always count on me to be the stone around his neck. WAIT! Uh...what I meant was that he can always count on me to weather whatever storms he must face, by his side. Around his neck...😉😂

Some years ago, after our girls had both moved to North Carolina, I allowed a melancholy spirit to attach itself to me during the holidays. I didn't want to decorate for anything. There seemed to be no reason for festivities. I remember one particular Christmas I voiced my discouragement with the putting up and taking down of decorations. I didn't want to. Didn't see the point. It was just me and him. My rock said, "But I enjoy it. And so do you, once we get it all up." That gave me purpose. Knowing that, yes, there was still someone to enjoy the holidays with, and he was right there in front of me. He makes it feel like Christmas.

Now, we have a couple of grand-girls that put a lift in our steps and a twinkle in our eyes. They more than make it worth climbing up and down on ladders, circling a Frasier Fir Tree numerous times while stringing lights, garlands, and ornaments. Not to mention the smiles we get from our girls, now women with their own families. 

Our oldest granddaughter, Reagan, helped with decorating this year. She's 5, and is the most patient little girl this Grams has ever seen. Patient with her Grams wanting everything perfect. But it is with only a look from her, and the ornaments I don't particularly like, goes on the tree because she wishes it. Expensive glass balls she handles with such care. Less breakable ornaments, she finds a "perfect" spot for, and beaded garlands she loves to trail behind her as she walks/runs around the race track in our home that she is so accustomed to as a baby learning to walk, then run. She makes it feel like Christmas.

Love is a choice. Happiness is a choice. We forget that, sometimes...

Happy 47th year of counting it all blessings when various trials come your way, DW. You make it feel like Christmas.

Still loving Christmas, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.

Just Breathe

There are times the world seems to be closing in on us. Times when it's hard to feel the importance of

life. We see others around us and wonder what their life consists of; what their day-to-day routine might be. Are they happy? Are they loved? Is there a hole in their heart from losing someone they love? Is the reason they seem so sullen because they just lost their job or are they going through a divorce? Is their home life good? Or not so good? Are they walking through an injustice? A betrayal? How did they lose their smile? Have they just given up and really don't care they share the same air as others? Or do they feel as if no one really cares if they smile or not? Indeed...if they exist, or not. Why do they avoid eye contact? Do they fear someone might see them for who they are or who they've become? To me, they seem so lonely. Some days it's hard to just breathe.

Today, I went shopping. The area we now live in is full of retail outlets everywhere. Anything a person might want or need is just minutes away. Literally. I really love the fact that we can live in a neighborhood that feels very family oriented, yet brick and mortar stores of all kinds are, as my dad would have said, "just a stones throw away." I've decided this will come in very handy as the years fly by and it gets a little difficult driving long distances. And there are so many diversities of the human race making life all the more interesting...okay, confusing. But only at times.

Just like the people who seem to be walking this life alone, we too, seem to occasionally forget the place we have in Jesus. It is a place reserved just for us and no one else. We are so close to the Father's heart that if we but close our eyes and listen intently, we may hear his very breath. It is his breath that continually breathes life into our soul. We are so deeply loved. He is our eternal escort. Our faithful bridegroom. He will never let us go. There now...it's okay to look deeply into others eyes, even in the midst of your own pain.

It seems to me that we are often blind to the sometimes evasive reality of just how much we are loved. Always looking for validation from those we look up to, or from our piers. Much of the time we buy into the lie that our mates should be the source of our happiness, then fall into a depression when expectations fail us. Truth is, we should be putting our reliance in the One who designed us and draw from the deep wells of contentment that come from the knowledge of whose we are...not from the temporal pleasures that come from human relationships. True happiness, right there! Then, when disappointment comes in like a flood (and it will), we won't walk in defeat, with head hanging down and eyes continually on the floor. We'll then find that the temporal realities are not what define us. It's the unseen realities that speak life into our being and causes us to walk upon the many injustices that come with living as a part of humanity.

It's important to breathe. Just take a deep breathe and blow it out slowly. We must focus on truth as we navigate the oh-so-temporal, that often feels as if it will never end. There, in the unseen cavities of the heart, one must breathe deep as we listen for the Father's breath in us. Ah...doesn't that feel better?

Sure, our situation(s) may not change, but we change. We change because we now realize we can do this thing called life. This training ground for what we can't see at the moment. And our attitude about being adjusted makes all the difference in how well we'll be able to live with a smile on our face and a twinkle in our eyes.

A closing thought: Some will say you're only pretending that everything is alright when indeed, your world has just been turned upside down. There's even a song written about that, I believe. A horrible, revengeful, song. Which really only pushes the pain deeper into the heart. It really does matter who you listen to. Here's a good measuring stick, if you're interested.
     #1. Are you receiving godly advise, or advise that agrees with and feels angry at the pain handed  you?
     #2. Does the advise lift your head and give you hope? Or does it fuel the resentments of the heart, encouraging you to hate?

Let yourself rest in the Father's love. Just breathe...just breathe.

Walking Among the Unseen...here, you'll find me, in Mary's World.

The Freedom and Bondage of Being Alone

We were never meant to be alone. Yet, many are. God said it was not good for man to be alone, so He created a helper fit for him. (Gen. 2:18).

I know we women-folk believe (at times) we don't need a man. We believe enough in ourselves to think what needs to be done, we can do. After all, we're the ones created to "help", right? But I've watched, over the years, as strong women with this view, become lonely women, in time. They say they're not...yet it's visible in their eyes. Truth is, it makes life worth so much more when we have someone to share it with. Someone we are suited for. Someone to share in our joys, our sorrows, our fears, our achievements. Someone to share life and all it brings to us.

The operative word is "SHARE", not simply exist with, having two separate worlds, so-to-speak. It's so much easier to be alone when your mate rarely knows you're around, or rarely-to-never helps with anything, but actually makes life harder by adding to your "helper" list, while it seems they have nothing better to do than entertain themselves with the latest technology available or who values friends more than their mate. Or when you suddenly find yourself looking at what once seemed good, as now not being so good. What caused the "eye-opening" change? And that's another story...

Freedom comes with a cost. Sometimes a mighty big cost. Sometimes a painful cost, which initially seems like relief, but eventually shows itself ugly. Sometimes, actually feeling like bondage. Ah...the despair of freedom. It's never easy, but what is? And the age old question rages on in many the mind. "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "What is the meaning of my life?"

Change happens when we least expect it, either because of our choices, or because of someone else's choice...yet God has planted eternity in the human heart. We were created for immortality and life's changes prepare us for that eternity. There we find our life's purpose. In Him alone. And I fear THIS, this is where we get confused and make decisions apart from consulting our loving Creator, as we put our eyes on the earthly, the mundane, the exasperating, and the difficult situations that all life brings. Fears of not being in control.

And because we choose to go on our own steam, our own secure thoughts and determinations blow high and wide. Some may have even been "thought out" and considered, with thoughts of making it all better. Some are great decisions. Some are not.

I've not always faced my fears, like I do now that I'm on the back side of the proverbial hill. Back in the day, I let fear rule my actions...and I was held captive to an aggressive man that nearly took my life. Twice! Then everything changed. I decided (or was it the veiled encouragement of my God), that I would rather be dead than live each day not knowing what it would bring. Maybe, just maybe, God knew what I needed to escape the prison I was allowing myself to be in, even though I was not serving Him then. He showed me a way of escape, where there seemed to be none. Then, in the natural realm. Later, in the spiritual realm. And I boldly took that step. Both times.

At that time in my life, I wanted nothing more than to be alone. Alone and free. Free to be me. Free to not be watched over every second of every day. Free to make my own choices. Free from accusation. Free from abusive hands/fists. Free from threats. Free from lies. Free from alcohol induced behavior. But even that freedom brought bondage, eventually. Simply because I had not learned who I could trust, and I trusted no-one. It's still very hard for me to trust in humanity. But I do know who I can perfectly rely on. It is God. He never fails me, never leaves me to my own devises. He corrects me, guides me, walks beside me, and whispers in my ear. Okay...so that sounded a little creepy. By whispering in my ear, I simply mean He has a way of getting my full attention. And I so rely on that, because I know how crazy I can be in making decisions on my own.

Freedom/Bondage...it can actually be a good thing. In Christ alone is there true freedom to be who we are/were created to be. In Christ alone is there true life giving, bondage. What? Yes, the good bondage of knowing we belong to Him. We serve no other. A slave of the One who Created us. How simply wonderful it is, to not venture out and listen to (or serve) someone who wants nothing but to destroy us; to take our freedom to be anything other than who we were created to be.

Fully free, fully in bondage, and thankful God knows me better than I know myself...here you'll find me...in Mary's World.