My Therapist

"...for such is the kingdom of heaven." ~Matthew 19:14

Our 3 year old granddaughter, Reagan, shows me the kingdom of heaven, on a daily basis. Well, the days I am given with her, at least. And I'm pretty sure her parents have noticed this as well. I'm really not surprised. We raised 2 children of our own, and many were the days I felt God speak to me, using their little voices. I always knew He was telling me He understands and "hey...here's how that works if you want a great outcome."

Toddlers are really perceptive little beings. I think it's because they are still experiencing memories of where they came from (and here is where I may lose a few of you).

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." ~Jeremiah 1:5  Before we were in our mother's womb! True, He was speaking to Jeremiah, one who was predestined to be a prophet to the nations. Yet, I so totally believe that even though we are not all prophets, we all were known before the foundation of the world became reality. So...we came from Him, in a much deeper reality. And at some point we will all return to Him. Some to give an account, others to enter into their rest. Okaaayyyy...getting off on a rabbit trail.

A few days ago, Reagan and I were playing with plastic Easter egg shells. She loves dinosaurs and was trying to force a really small one into one of the eggs, as a "surprise" for Grams. She was focused. She was determined. And here is what I noticed. She encourages herself.

"Come on, Reagan...you can do this!" she said. Wow! 3 Years old. Innocence at its peak. She believes in herself. Please, God...help us not damage that belief!!! On another day, while kicking a ball out in our front yard, the wind kept whipping it to the left of where I was aiming for it to go (toward her) so she might give a return kick. She just stopped everything, came over to me, placed her little hand on my arm and said, "Don't give up, Grams. You can do this." WHAT?! Sooooo much wisdom coming from this little person.

By-the-way. The kingdom of heaven is not a physical place. What?! Romans 14:17 tells us that the kingdom of heaven is not a place where one eats and drinks, but is a spiritual realm over which God reigns as King, or the fulfillment on Earth of God's will. That being, righteousness (right living), peace (calmness the world doesn't understand), and joy (an abiding state of being), while living on this planet. "I am not asking you to take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one". ~John 17:15

As I ponder years gone by, I can see areas where I stopped trusting. Stopped believing in myself as an overcomer, and began to let situations define me. As the years flew past, sometimes raging as they swept by, I stopped listening to the nurturing spirit God placed within me. The "I can do anything," spirit that was a part of who I was. It soon became a fight, or flight, thing for me. And then a, "just put one foot in front of the other," thing. Then a feeling of being much like a cork, just bobbing along, out in the vastness of an engulfing sea. I began to put aside the place of strength and swapped it for whisperings of ineffectiveness. Of unimportance. I really took a wrong turn and followed the path that was overgrown with despair, sadness, alone feelings, and self centeredness. All the while knowing this would not turn out good. It was much like being focused on healthy eating, then deciding to throw it all out the window and begin eating things that would eventually destroy your health. Knowing there was no possible good outcome.

And then Reagan shows up on the scene. What an amazing gift God has given, not just to me, but to all who have the honor of being where she is. I'm listening again. I'm hearing the still, small voice, coming over loud and clear, coming straight from my little therapist. 

"You can do this!" "Don't give up!" 

 


Praying this mighty warrior spirit of Reagan's remains active throughout her life, and here I'll remain...in Mary's World.

Night Visits

Well, they seem to have started their attempt at bondage once again. It's been awhile. The night terrors I have experienced over the years, have paid me a visit 3 times, in the last week. Last night was a bit different, in that, not only did the sheet of unexpected attempts at silencing me happen, there was also a throw-back dream (of sorts), that followed the screams piercing the late night hours.

But first...a little history. Many years ago, before giving my life to God, I would have recurring dreams of water. A lot of water. In those dreams, I could barely keep myself from drowning as the water reached out for me. In one dream, I had a baby that, as we were going under, I would stretch as high as I could to lift her enough to keep her head above the foreboding waters. She was always safe, but I was under the water. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. That was God telling me I had to die to what I was, in order for the new to be birthed and alive. And the new me would live.

But the most vivid dream of all was the recurring one of falling into a pit of sand that would not cough me up, no matter how hard I tried to free myself. The more I tried digging my way to freedom, the more sand spilled in upon me until it totally covered up my only way of escape. As the last bit of sky was removed from my sight, and the sand had totally engulfed me, I felt the urge to turn and look to my left. When I did, a large opening presented itself to me, with light pouring through it. One that was so simple, so easy, to walk through. And I did. God had made a way of escape, where there seemed to be none. And all it took was for me to stop grabbing at the thing that was burying me. Again, I didn't realize it then, but I do now. 

The night terrors began years later. The first one was in December of 1974. They consistently, and periodically, visited me over the coming years. I never knew when they would present themselves. Looking back, I can remember times of extreme stress being my companion, as I navigated life. The years prior to becoming a Christian had left a lot of mental & physical baggage that needed unpacked. I really don't know if the stress caused the terrors, or if the terrors caused the stress. Not long after laying my head down to sleep, many nights just as I was drifting off, a very demonic face would come from a far corner of our bedroom, and with sonic speed, stop just short of my face. I would wake with a blood-curdling scream. Those were during the young years of my Christianity, and prior to becoming a mom.

The terrors would stop for quite a while, only to return later. Never knew why they stopped, but was tremendously happy about it. Then they began again, with full on force, in 2013 upon moving to North Carolina. But with a different terror. Now I was experiencing a grid-like object hovering over my face, as it threatened to smash into me or imprison me. I was also "seeing" short (talking 3 foot tall) guys of Indian (not Native) descent, standing only a few feet from me. They stood, just gazing in my direction as if trying to decide who I was. They never threatened me, it was just intensely terrifying to wake and see someone in my room...watching me.

Last night, and for the last two times of visitation, the terror presented itself as a see-through cloth just drifting over me, making me think it was going to cover me. These terrors all feel so real. I believe I am fully awake, but seem to be in a dream-like state, then STARTLED awake. Not able to remove the cloth, my being just reacted with screaming. And then, the dream came. It was different, yet the same, in that I was about to be consumed. I was heading out to purchase more twigs and vines for a display I was preparing. When I got to the store, a wall of dense, multi-colored and hardened sponge, had blocked the entire store, allowing no entrance. As I made my way forward (stubborn, I am), I found myself engulfed by the wall of foamy sponge. Did I fall into it? I don't know. But, I do know there was only about 3 feet between me and safety as I tried to remove myself from certain death. The wall began to wrap itself around me until I couldn't move. I could still see the sky, so reached upward, trying to find anything I could grab onto to get me to safety. But...any move I made only caused the wall to further secure its victim. Like a fly caught in a web, and much like the pit of sand of many years prior.

I awoke, having had no escape presented to me. During my morning shower, I pondered this dream. I know direction is trying to lead me. I also know I am trying to hold onto something God is asking me to let go of. Something that is sucking the life out of me. And guess what is laying at my doorstep. Fear. Little Much Afraid is looking directly at the situation she finds herself to be in, and all the terrifying cousins she must encounter along the way to freedom are lurking, watching every move she makes.

So, here I am, Lord. Speak. You'll find me here, in Mary's World...