Change Within the White Space

Photo by Lindsey Lewis

Some days I actually get all the needed sleep, but most days I wake early. Really early. Like 3 AM early. Or 4 AM. Some days it's even in the 2 AM hour. Today it was a bit after 4, and my mind instantly formed a prayer for the day. This was the response it sent me: Change happens when in the white space. 

No, I haven't gone stir crazy just yet. Still have a working business for a few more weeks. Eight more, to be exact. My head is just swimming with navigation at the moment. To explain myself, so much is happening right now in my world. I won't bore you with details, but I will tell you that white space is a needed time for me. Time to set myself aside without obligation. It's where change actually begins. It's a time to settle, think, assess, and simply be present in life. It's a time to breathe easy. Our minds do need breaks from time to time, right? Mine does, at least. And for me, it's mostly a time to rest in God's presence, simply to wait for Him and the wisdom I feel He pours into my heart. It's what I love most about this particular season of change. Not only has Spring (new life) begun in the natural realm, but one might speculate that a type of Spring (new life) has come to the natural realm of my own life. Possibly the spiritual, as well. I'm here for what is staring me down.

Today, the nuggets of truth that God extended to me; verses I have known all my life, was brought to my attention. God knew I needed to revisit these today. 

• Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9 
• Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. ~Proverbs 3:5 
• I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. ~Psalm 32:8
• There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1
• Do not be anxious for anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~Philippians 4:6
• Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ~2 Corinthians 4:16
• The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out. ~Proverbs 18:15

Have you ever thought about the "coincidence" of everything being connected? Like when you see something in the natural realm of living life and simultaneously see God in it?  Even the written word will come to life when attended to. Just as we ourselves come to life when our life is attended to. Physically, and spiritually. 

Now, connect the spiritual with the natural. Consider the line spaces that a paragraph gives us. Just like the one created by starting this new paragraph. They give us "white space" intended for a moment to refocus...giving us time to consider what the topic is and what it's really about and what its importance is. They also enhance readability. Right? They are meant for focusing the reader...and possibly a thought change. A redirection. Just as God redirects us in the "white space". First the natural, then the spiritual, then comes understanding.

I'll leave you with why "white space" is important in the natural AND in the spiritual:   

1) It gives us clarity while reducing visual clutter. 

2) It creates a visual hierarch, of sorts, causing us to see the most important elements. 

3) It gives us balance. Who amongst us doesn't need that?!

Did you just connect the dots between the natural and the spiritual? What I'm saying is that everything is connected by God's design...if we but look. If we but see...

Paying attention, and hoping you find your white space, here you will find me...in Mary's World. #embracingthenewnormal #embracingchange #leaningintoGod #theforgottenway

The Next 50 Years

"Why Greenhouse Gardening is Your Next Best Adventure: Greenhouse gardening is an extraordinary journey that opens up new horizons for every kind of gardener. It transforms the way we interact with plants, seasons, and even our own sense of creativity and self-sufficiency." ~Introduction to The Year-Round Greenhouse Gardening by Dr. Arnold Stones

Sounds intriguing, yes? Somehow, I feel like the next 50 years will introduce me to my momma. Somehow, I feel like I will get to know her like I never had the opportunity to do while growing up. I was only able to catch glimpses of her because my job was at the sawmill, in the log woods, at the cow barn, in the fields, but not so much in the garden.

Oh, I do remember her! I remember her laugh, her sweet spirit, her gentle way of caring for our needs, the delicious smells that came from her kitchen, the loaded boards of Christmas goodies freshly baked in her wood burning oven. Even the rationing of the occasional soda pop. She would purchase ONE small bottle for herself (a rare thing), but if one of her kids spotted it (usually me), she would pour no more than 2 sips, then save the rest for when she could really use a pick-me-up. Birthing, and raising 10 kids, I can only imagine just how much she needed this. Yet, she never refused her own. Yes, there were very special times with her, yet I missed so much of the only hours the days offered because I had to be where she wasn't.

So, now that I have officially retired from my chosen industry of the last 50+ years (come June 2nd), I have decided, with the encouragement of our girls, to allow myself to indulge in my next best adventure. I'm hoping I will get a glimpse into the world of my mom. Maybe something will stir inside me. Maybe I can be a part of who she was. Maybe I can be a part of her legacy by understanding life a bit more. Life as it was intended.

Going back to my roots (pun intended), and starting small, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Next Chapter?

Last Saturday, as a dear client and I were conversing about my upcoming retirement from the industry that has been part of my life for the last 50+ years, I may have mentioned something about this being the last chapter of my life. I do believe in miracles, but at the same time I am pretty much a realist. Truth is a solid mantra of mine. Can't tolerate deception. Anyway...much like a good book, the last chapter should have the answers to the mysteries exposed in its previous chapters. Right? At least one would hope so. It should be the most exciting, yet sorrowful that it's ending, chapter. My client for the last 6 years, as she sat while color processed on her hair, looked up at me with the kindest eyes, and said, "But it may not be the last chapter. It may just be the next chapter. The next adventure." Crazy...I had never thought of that. It took me aback for a second or two. I've always seen life in segments; First, Middle, Last. Could there be another chapter before the last? Now I'm excited!

I will miss this client! I think coffee and maybe lunch must be in our future. She is more than just a deep thinker. She is a world changer, a person that rearranges others ways of thinking to come to the best solution for the problems at hand. A problem solver. I love how she sparks my thinking; how without even realizing it, she causes me to probe deeper in my own analysis of any given situation. I really love the thought of this being only "my next chapter", and not my "last chapter."

I think I may have mentioned in another blog post, that I also have a client who says she can't wait for the return of our Lord. But my heels are a little dug in and they're asking for more years, here, on planet Earth. I have all of eternity to be with God and all the Elohim. But to see our grand-babies grow to maturity, to be a part of their lives (no matter how large or small), is the desire of my heart. So, "the next chapter" sounds really, really good. I can wrap my head around that one. And my heart...

This has been the hardest page, in my book of life, to flip. While I do love a good book, and even though my own story is full of sit-on-the-edge-of-your-seat kind of things, I'm not quite ready to end it. So, turning the page of interacting with various nationalities, various personalities, various life styles, has been excruciating for me. Each one has added value to this life's journey. 

I began considering joining the ranks of the retired a little more than a year ago. But my fists were clenched with only a small amount of give to them. I held on tightly most days, feeling if I loosened my grip I would be entering the last phase of life, and who's ready for that?! 

As the year progressed, small things began to reveal a path forward. Away from all I had known my entire life. Work has never been a dirty word to me; it has been a privilege, a blessing that not all can navigate. But, as this last year wore on, God began to show His divine intervention. This industry had always been my feel-good place. My ego stroking place. My affirmation. My purpose. My platform. My escape. There was a lot of "MY", even though I always acknowledged that it was by the grace of God that I lived, and moved, and had my being. I have always been grateful for the road He had prepared for me and couldn't imagine anything changing. I actually thought I would continue in this industry until my body could no longer tolerate it. "Retirement" just wasn't in my DNA. I love to work! Give me something to do, other than idle the hours away where the mind goes south and the body soon follows.

I'm still not 100% sure what the future holds for us, but I'm here for it! Maybe a small greenhouse in our backyard, where our grand kids used to play on the WoodPlay Swing Set and Tower that nestled under the trees and the beautiful Wisteria dropped its petals in season. Maybe that will become a reality and our littles can help seed, plant, create, and water. Wouldn't that be fun?! It's already a vision in my minds eye. I can see the layout clearly. The inviting blooms and plants that surround its base, with ferns and lights hanging from the attached pergola. Maybe some pavers joined together and strategically placed to hold a couple of chairs and a small fire pit for when the cooler temps hit North Carolina. 

And who knows...maybe a trip to the mountains will be in our future.

No matter where life takes us, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

So...the Deed Has Been Done

My emotions have ran the gammet this past week; even more so since the announcement that few saw coming. Granted, the big decision has been playing ball with me for some time now, and up until last week, I had always won. Many debates as to why I should, and why I should not, have been voiced. Lovingly voiced. Time, and time again...

And now, here I sit, stirring the mushrooms in my coffee with the cinnamon stick that sits lazily in the coffee cup until needed. I'm tired. Very tired. Not only did what I thought to be allergies/sinus issues, turn into a full blown head & chest cold, sleep also, has escaped me for nigh on a week now. I'm tired. Really tired. Yet, I force my body to come under subjection and move forward. Except for this moment. Needing a chair to take the weight of my body off my feet, at least for a moment, I chose the tried and true; the faithful office chair. I do love my office. My study. My hide-away. I do.

Still coughing up a lung and a half, I navigated the back-and-forth of STAY OUT OF MY SALON messages over the weekend. Yet, the messages just weren't taking hold, or they hit more than one wall and was took out, never to live. I'm a person that always crosses my "t's" and dot my "i's". It's the best I can do to preserve my way of life. Yet the unexpected has a way of happening, regardless of how hard one tries to escape it. And therein lies my distrust of humanity. Even my own humanity...sometimes.

To say I am super happy that I installed a Foscam (that's a story for another time) inside my studio, is an understatement of mega proportions. As I think about the ramifications of what would have happened, had it not been on duty yesterday, makes me take deep breaths of gratitude, when I can get one. A deep breath, that is. That sweet little addition caught workers hired to upgrade a few things (floors & mirrors), in the process of taking my salon apart, piece by piece. Most likely, I startled the begeebers out of them when my groggy, hoarse & raspy voice (that gurgled and sneezed occasionally from irritated nasal passages), came yelling through the small voice command center. "STOP! WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!!" I tried calming myself, as I knew it wasn't their fault. They were there to do their job as ordered, and with a tower of jewelry in their careful hands, they froze in place. It appears that I wasn't the only one who has cut the cord...if you know what I mean. It's likely you don't, 'cause I'm not always clear.

I have spoken to several of the workers, off and on, during the time they have been in the studios, tearing up and replacing. They seem really nice, so I'm kinda sorry I yelled at them. But I wasn't sure if the thing (the Foscam) really worked or not. It was the first time I had to use it. So I yelled. I was suppose to, right? They showed me their work orders, so I had to be the mean suite owner, and assure them I had covered the confirmation of putting my studio renovation on hold until I moved out, aka/closed my business, and to please contact their supervisor.

Did I mention how tired I am? Anyway...I had to push my body out the door and head to the salon, a 7 minute drive that happened in 3. Maybe 4. They had indeed stopped removing, and had gotten everything back in the studio by the time I arrived. All I had to do was reposition and re-clean what had been moved out. I survived...

So...back to paragraph ONE of this rabbit trail:

    The deed that had been planned to run so smoothly, the RETIREMENT on my 78th birthday announcement, had suddenly taken a deadly turn. 

        Not a good turn. The social media content had launched before it was suppose to since I didn't "schedule" it. My fault. Kinda. 

When I am deep in thought, 

            deep in the mix of whatever is needing done; 

                        to be distracted in the middle of it, well...I can't be held responsible for what transpires.

So, that happened last Sunday. Throbbing headache, blurry eyes, and achy body had to move quickly. Something my brain wasn't ready for. The emails had to be sent (since social media had been notified) without being as complete as I had planned. I suppose another email blast is in order for a bit later.

Something (business room mistake), I suppose, had to be added to the mix just to make this whole thing a memory hard to forget. Gotta love those memories. The good, the not-so-good, the undesirable.

I am soooooo tired of laying in bed, but now I think it's calling me again. But first, where's the Tylenol?

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

Grief Is Personal & Individual, With No Rules or Timetables

Tuesday, March 9th, 1943, was the day my sister Becky breathed the earths atmosphere into her tiny lungs. Today would have been her 82nd birthday, had she stayed. But...on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 5:23 P.M., heaven received her back and earths atmosphere released its hold on her.

Had God intervened and said no, possibly she would still be an active part of my life today. But instead, He welcomed her home releasing her from the pain and untold suffering she was experiencing from the unimaginable effects of PSP.

Progressive Supranuclear Palsy is a rare brain disease that allows the brain to continue sending messages to the body, but confuses them before they reach their destination. She was literally trapped inside her beautiful body that had no way of obeying the commands sent to it. No way of communicating. No way of making her desires known. No way of caring for her own personal needs. And yet, she chose the way of least resistance. She willed her life to be subject to the grace of God that allowed her to get through what must of been the most horrific existence, which in turn provided her to live out what time the disease allowed, in total peace. She trusted those she loved. She trusted her God. It was God's grace that held her. God's grace that showed her the way through the hardest of mountains that denied movement. And the most depended on was her husband. She couldn't have asked for a better care giver. He gave up his own life to become hers.

It's true...he didn't experience the effects of PSP like she did. But he did experience PSP by watching his beloved suffer. While she was still able to speak, she let him know that she trusted him completely with the choices he made for her care as the disease overtook her. It must have been quite the conversation. He asked for help only a few times. Times he needed assistance while learning how to serve her every need. He shouldn't have had to ask.

And now, 17 long years have flown by, yet I miss her still. Some days are harder than others, but I'll always remember how she encouraged me to live the life God has given me. Live it as though it depends on me to make it good. "You can't change anyone but yourself," she told me. She always spoke truth, never sugar coating it. Truth, she knew, was the only way to set someone free from their (usually self imposed) prison(s). Strange, I feel her presence as I type this, tears once again demanding release from my own body.

Grief and loss have strange ways of progressing. Each individual will experience them differently as they navigate the life that is still bound to earths atmosphere. There are no rules. No timetables. Never progressing from one stage to another, easily. Nor can it be controlled. It's okay to let tears bring about healing, for they will if we but let them. I can't say we will ever be totally back to "normal", but we will gain a sense of what is truly valuable and what is not.

Becky will be with me always, even though I can't physically touch her. She was my protector, literally and spiritually. Coming from such a large family, it usually fell on the slightly older sibling to watch out for the younger. She was mine. She did her job well, even when I resisted and went against her instructions. Ready to receive me back to where she could once again watch over me. How I must of worried her...

I went through several stages of grief when she left. At first I denied this could be happening. The slow progression that took over her body. Then, I felt angry that God could be allowing this to happen. I never bargained with God, like some do. Still, depression hit me like a ton of bricks. Why her? Why not me? She seemed so innocent. So undeserving of this. Eventually I allowed myself to reason it out with God. Allowing truth to speak its peace to my heart. I still miss her, but am getting closer to seeing her again. How quickly the years fly past us, even if some days they seem to crawl out their existence.

I leave you with this: We must treat ourselves with kindness and compassion. No judgement. No what ifs. We have a right to grieve and no one (not even ourselves) can tell us when it's time to end the process of grieving. Seventeen years later, I still grieve. I still love, I still live. But some days, I just need a good cry.

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Seeing Into the Mind of One MJLewis

Read on for just a tiny piece of the large puzzle I am working on...

These last few months I have had more on my mind than most of the entire last year. I've always strived for perfection. Perfection in whatever my hands find to do. I was raised this way and it has stayed with me. Some would say it was closer than any friend I've ever had.

Actually, I think most of us are this way, whether we believe it to be, or not. We want to grow and flourish in whatever we find to do. Yes? Whatever our lives consist of, we want it to be the best it can be.

Yet balance is so important in life. To expect instant gratification is to hold onto so many things, while hoping nothing is going to drop. Hoping that others see us. Hoping they confirm our existence, because we, ourselves, wonder if we are important. To anyone. I know, it's childish thinking, but so many adults walk this earth just needing to be seen. And I know why. But this is not about that.

It's my opinion (I have one...so do you), in order for a well balanced life, we must take a step back from our overwhelmed normal days and find a place of peace that will allow some things to just drop, without trying to catch them, if it means we will be able to hold other things more closely.

This may look like not saying yes to everything, but saying yes to only a few very good things. And in this revelation comes the battle of the mind. It will show us all the reasons why this line of thinking is just a bunch of misguided crazy thoughts. It will tell us to stay the course, then throw the "what ifs" at us. We prepare our lists of pros and cons, just to throw them out and begin again. And again...

I am not overwhelmed at this stage of my life. I have been overwhelmed, in years gone by, in my growing years...but not today. So you could say I believe myself to be bit of an expert on this matter. I came here to say that too much of anything brings with it the impossibility to balance any of it, and it will become a place of chaos. Not peace. And the family suffers as we continue living on this merry-go-round. At some point we must remember that only we, ourselves, determine who want to be. We find our peace, our comfort, our existence, when we find our Creator. The perception that we need to please others so they will find us pleasing, is a myth. A lie, of sorts. Once we realign with God, we will find balance and then be able to release the unimportant things we have believed to be important.

Soooo...Spring is looking at us this very moment. It's so close we can feel it, see it, anticipate it. It's the perfect time to breathe in and exhale. The perfect time to let go of the unnecessary, so we can hold the really important close.

Today, you have seen into a tiny nook of my mind, which I believe to be stable. Mostly...

and here you will find me, always...in Mary's World.

To Boot, or Not to Boot

Wellllll...I finally went to see a foot doctor about the pain that causes me to limp. Painfully. Took me only a little over 2 months to give in to the idea I may need to see a doctor. Turns out I have a bit of Peroneal Tendonitis of the right lower extremity. Simply meaning the tendons on the outside of my right ankle are very inflamed. And pretty mad at me for some reason. Doc says it usually comes from over use and repeated stress. Hmmmm...wonder where THAT comes from. 😂

Soooo...the above was written last Thursday, Feb. 13th. I was so frustrated with the doctor because of what I saw on my health portal. The things he claimed he had done during my visit, just weren't true. It's so hard for me to trust doctors anyway, because I feel many of them add "services rendered" (that actually haven't been) just to milk our insurance company, thus causing the rates to sky rocket.

Anyway, that was then, and now it now. He had given me the "good news" that he could fix the problem by having me wear the clunker of all boots, for 2 weeks. I did try it the following day. Wore it the entire day and ended up with a really bad back ache from the mirrored twin foot not being as high as the platform the boot provided, thus throwing off...well, everything. The ankle and foot DID feel somewhat better, but now my back was killing me. I knew I'd never be able to wear that monster all day at work. So I didn't...

Today, one week later, I went for my first walk about the neighborhood since the first of December, last year. Just as I left the house it began snowing again. MY KIND OF WEATHER!!! Got in 1.5 miles of pure bliss. My face became pretty cold in the 19 degree weather, but the rest of me was warm and snuggly. I was prepared. 😁  As my feet hit the snow covered pavement, my back straightened significantly causing me to walk a bit taller than I have in awhile, It was as if there had been extra morphine pumped into my body causing an unexpected pace to prevail. 

It was a great walk. With snow flakes pelting me in the face and a gentle wind blowing them across the path I had chosen, my spirits lifted from their lackadaisical existence of protecting the wounded foot. It's pretty amazing what a short walk can do for a persons complete being. Turns out the foot got all better by itself without the boot. Just took a few months. Hmmmm... 

Loving this weather for getting back into the swing of things, here you will find me...in Mary's World.