Peripheral Vision Is Important, Too

It's been exactly one year since posting about the next leg of my journey. As I re-read that particular blog entry, I thought to myself, "Where did your vision go?" For many of my adult years, I've had a goal, and a vision on how to get there. Usually with a five year time line. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost the ability to see beyond the here, and the now. It's not a comfortable place to be when you're a planner.

Granted, there have been times in my life when that has rang true, then, as well as it does now. But those times never lasted as long as this one has. This one began almost 10 years ago, and seems to shadow me, as if it were my companion. We all know there is only one thing to do when such a dilemma presents itself. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Right? Do what we know to do, do it well, and don't deviate from it.

During our 2012-13 move, from Oklahoma to North Carolina, I remember saying how I felt like a cork just bobbing along in a vast amount of oceanic water, having no purpose, and no place in-particular to go. Having oversight for the many, brought to naught, blew some challenges my way. The transition of confidence to a big question mark began to take a toll on me, causing me to question the importance of my existence. Crazy, I know...

I've always considered myself a serious person, with little to no time for humor. Neither did I, nor do I, like idle chit-chat. If we must visit, let us visit about important things; deep, from the heart things. It's what stirs me. I feel no harm in being thus. I love deeply, sincerely, faithfully. That hasn't changed, it's been a constant. Just my long distance vision had become a bit obscure, which makes it hard to have a goal. That bothered me.

What I have come to realize, is that I actually need humor in my life. I need to laugh more. Like I did with my friend, Jani, and on occasion, my sister, Becky. Beck was more on the serious side (most Praters are/were), but entertained sarcasm, on occasion...which could (on occasion) be funny. Jani and I couldn't get together without entering a whole new world of laughter. We could just look at each other and begin laughing, that often turned into coughing fits. We could be serious, too, however. It's just that when we needed a good laugh, we knew who to seek out. It was a healthy balance. We all need healthy balances, right? 

All that changed when their journey ended here. Jani's earthly body lost its fight with a mean brain cancer, while Becky faced PSP that trapped her inside an unwilling body to respond to brain impulses. She went only a month after Jani. And I had just lost a brother to what began as prostrate cancer, and spread to various other organs in his body, only a few months earlier. I remember wondering how the world, and all its people, could continue on as if these 3 souls were never here. Had never graced the planet with their spirits. My world was a bit unsteady for awhile and though I never lost sight of who I was/am, it felt as if I was suddenly alone. I wasn't of course. The world just felt a bit empty. A bit like a torn tapestry that would never be the same. And even though there was still much beauty to be had and felt from family (blood connected AND extended family), a piece of me left with them. In retrospect, I think I stayed a bit too long in that mind set. I missed my confidants.

And then came our first grandchild! Life was about to take on new meaning, and with it came new purpose. And just as seasons of life come and go, so it seems that purpose does, as well. Change will always happen. How we navigate it, is what's important. I'll always believe Reagan came at the time she did, to set many of us free (at least me) from a bondage we (I) had put ourselves (okay...myself) in. Seeing life through the eyes of a child will ALWAYS break into a protected heart and mold it back to the soft heart God intended it to be. To say she has lifted our spirits, is an understatement. And then, Warner comes along and ices the cake. It's as if iron had sharpened iron long enough, and God sent a fresh wind to cool everything down. To be in the presence of a child is life-giving, and causes the world to seem just a bit more navigable.

So...how's my vision these days? About the same. For whatever reason, the only future I can see, is the ultimate, not the short-long term. And that's okay with me. Putting one foot in front of the other and doing well with the things given me to do, is good enough for me. The "plan" is to continue with my salon business as long as health (mental & physical) remain. I no longer feel like that cork in the water, bobbing along with no purpose. God has seemingly pulled me closer to home without the need to know where I'm going at all times. I've learned to relax more. A whole lot more. How I even functioned before, I'll never know. I'm pretty sure it's why I'm so skittish, and will scream so easily when surprised. Even when Dennis (my husband of almost 49 years) just walks down the hall without forewarning me. It's a miracle he's not knocked me out, because of a knee-jerk reaction. 🤣

To be clear...my vision remains true and on point for where I'm headed. It's just that my peripheral vision has become so vivid, I don't focus so much on the obvious. It's the beauty of what God has put in my path that has become my focus, for such a time as this. 

A closing thought: Usually, seasons dance together a bit, before taking on their own appearance and character. Parts of the former blends into the present, and then the present shows its true colors. Yet, there are times a season comes blowing in without warning, ready to stop us in our tracks and show itself real. Who you were is suddenly no longer that. You have quickly changed course. Still you. Different direction. That happened, folks, about 10 years ago. 

Waiting for the next wind of change, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.

Why Did You Remain Hidden?

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a young lady, and with tears in her eyes, she said, "If I make it into Heaven, the first thing I will ask God is, "Why did You remain hidden?" Maybe a better question would be, "Why did You remain silent?" 

I just can't get this out of my head. It invades my waking moments, my going-about-my-day moments, and everything in-between moments...popping into my thoughts without warning. It lays heavy some days. What did she mean? Really mean? I think this question goes so much deeper than surface issues. Like most things, it has become a heart issue, searching for the presence of its God. Of its maker.

Most mornings I'm at my study desk by 7 AM. Some days (most, actually) it's much earlier. As I prepare for the onslaught of the day, and all it will bring my way, this conversation enters my mind. The sun faithfully peaks through the trees from across the road (usually right at 7:45 AM these days), making its way straight into my eyes. And even though I'm not looking directly at it, the rays coming from it, soon begin to blind me. Can't see much of anything. So, I reach up and close that one shade where the sun is making its presence known. It's not shining brighter than yesterday. It's not shining less than yesterday. It's not trying to get my attention, it just quietly makes its presence known to me. It's being what it was created to be. A light. A source of life. Astonishingly, as it commands the weather, the ocean currants, the seasons, and the climate, it remains faithful to little old me. Simply put, it makes life possible on planet Earth. MY life possible. Here. On planet Earth.

How do I know it's there? I know it's there because it's blinding me, and on days I open my window, I swear I can feel its warmth, even though it's some 93 million miles away from my window (according to NASA). High and lifted up, so far away, yet so close we know it is present. Always present. Even when it's on the other side of the planet, making its rounds for all people. 

Food for thought: What do we tell our little kiddos when they ask, "Momma (or Daddy), where does the sun go when it gets dark outside?" We tell them it's still there, it's just giving its light to the moon, making it not so bright, dimming its own light, so we can rest better. So we can sleep and recharge for tomorrow. Right? I do hope we're listening as God is making His presence known. 

There are days, seasons, if you will, that we can't really feel the sun so much. Yet, it remains where it was placed by the God of heaven and earth. Still providing all the earth needs for that time. That season. We yearn for the sun to show itself during those days that turn into weeks. MONTHS (in some places). Just like we yearn for God to show Himself when we see so much devastation. So much injustice. So much wrong. So much death. 

Why does He remain hidden (or silent) when we feel we need Him the most? But, is He really hidden? Did you know that even though the sun is hidden by clouds some days, the rays it produces break through those clouds and not only covers the earth, but also goes deep into the ocean? The sun will always continue to give life, whether we see it (Him?) or not. It's the nature of the sun. Or the Son...

On this earth, we will always have hardships, devastation, and circumstantial cruelty. ~John 16:33 But...He came to show us how to be over-comers. There is evil in this world. That's not going away, as much as we'd like for it to. However, we don't have to succumb to it, or become part of it. He will lead us in truth and will never leave us lonely. ~Deuteronomy 31:6-8. 

All we have to do is look with our spiritual eyes. Sometimes our natural eyes will tell us something is a truth, when the things we can't see, are the real truth. Such as...I had a client, just yesterday, that told me of this amazing experience he had on a recent work trip. Short synopsis of the encounter was that he chose to help a total stranger that was standing in the middle of the road, bleeding, at 3 AM, as my client drove the dark road that was free of all traffic. Allowing him access to his car, driving him to a drop off, calling a number he didn't know to let them know where the man was, AND later following up to make sure something left behind wasn't important to him, I am STILL amazed that my client was in the right place at the right time for the one needing help. And, even though the stranger was talking incoherently (that's another story I don't feel I should talk about), when he spoke to him the next day, the stranger told my client he had saved his life. Oh man!!! Don't even try to convince me that God wasn't there.

One last thing. Moses wanted to see God. He must have asked the same question. "Why do You remain hidden?" In Exodus 33:22, God responded to Moses. "You cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live." And the Lord said, "Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by." That very obscure meeting with God caused Moses to come down from the mountain with white hair. I think I'll choose to believe that we cannot look into the face of God and live. Maybe He is protecting us by remaining hidden. Or, maybe He's actually there and we're the ones who are hidden. Jesus did say that if we see Him, we've seen the Father.~John 14:8-9

Diving deep, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Finding Hope

Have you ever had built up expectations, in hopes something MIGHT happen before you get too old to enjoy it? Kids have no problem imagining their dreams becoming reality. They hold onto hope because they can see themselves in the place of their deep desire. 

As we age, reality teaches us that not all dreams become something we can touch. Tangible dreams are a bit harder to grab onto. Yet, they CAN become tangible. How? Glad you asked. 

Many years ago, someone told me to think bigger than what my mind was telling me was possible. At that time, I wasn't really sure what that looked like, simply because I had trust issues. I doubted anything I wanted would become anything I could actually experience. It's just what my life was, I told myself. I was so short-sighted back then. 

It takes believing in a God of miracles. A God that placed everything we have need of, inside us, from the first beat of our heart while still being woven inside our mother's womb. Yes, I do believe that. He is a creative God, that made us in His image. That must mean we have the creative gene in us, right? Plus,He came to show us HOW to live an overcoming life. A life of value, of peace, of hope & love (when love isn't warranted). A life of creating something out of nothing. Troubles there will be. Troubles build faith. Faith creates patience. And patience gives way to having a lack of nothing. ~James 1:2-4 (paraphrased)

So...why do I have a picture of our grand girl heading up this post? Firstly, I know it will get your attention. She's just too cute, not to. Am I right? 😉 Secondly, this picture was taken at Walt Disney World last week. She had been wanting to go there, for the last couple of years, but it took a bit of patience working out the issues surrounding that trip. But she held onto hope. And hope is the reason for this blog post.

Hope produced its good work, eventually. She and her momma had so much fun while there and came home pretty tired. They were filled up with expectations met, which in turn was energy draining. But, recharging is never an issue for these two. And it wasn't any different this time, as I picked them up at the airport. They did not disappoint. I got to listen to their journey unfold, as I maneuvered air port traffic and interstate crazies. I think maybe I drove just a bit more strategically, just from feeling their energy. They may have looked a bit frazzled, but one couldn't tell from listening to their story unfold. How many times have I been so very grateful Dennis and I moved to be closer to our girls and their girls? More than anyone could count, most likely. It's been 10 years now, since our move. Not one day have we regretted picking up the homestead of 39 years, and transferring it to North Carolina, to live out the rest of our time on earth, next to where our heart is. Home truly is where the heart is, and our heart(s) were/are in NC. Just down the proverbial road from us, instead of 1200 miles away.

Faith doesn't come easily, however. It has to work through things. Like tired legs (doing the work...spirit), impatience (wanting it now...mind), troubles along the way (unexpected delays...body). Just like this picture of our girl waiting...resting her legs, her mind, her body. But still watching for the treasure to show itself. In this case, the transport bus that would carry her and her momma back to the resort. Trusting it would come. I'm telling you, children are rich with examples of faith being built, if we but watch. And listen. Wish I had a dollar for every time a little person has spoken life to me. 

As I mentioned before, living life can, and does on occasion, take the wind out of our sails. Only because we forget to hold onto hope of a better day. We become tunnel visioned at times, where all we see is the dirt around our feet, forgetting to look up at the expanse of the Universe and all its wonders. We forget to see the tapestry of God and how it actually works. Speaking of tapestry, have you ever turned one over to view the back side? That's where all the magic happens. The threads are woven over each other, sometimes looking quite tangled, knotted, and just plain confused, yet produces something of great beauty as they weave themselves together with the other threads. Think about it...

Soaking in all the goodness of our God, here you will find me...in Mary's World

 

Needy?! (first Published in 2010)

Just to save the comments from this post in 2010, I had to share it again, after deciding I wanted to give it a title (which it didn't have when written 🙄). So sorry...this was more than a few years ago. 13, to be exact. Things change over the years, but I loved the comments to this post and didn't want to lose them. So...⬇️

Had lunch with my husband of 35 years today. We ate at Hadley's down town. Their chicken salad on a croissant bun and side salad with Raspberry Vinaigrette, is so awesome! Make's me happy. Well...we had a tiny discussion on the "needy" word. Come to find out, he isn't the only one that thinks I'm a tad needy in some situations (according to him). And I probably could name at least ONE other. Problem is, he couldn't tell me exactly why he thinks that. "It is definitely related to our girls," he says. "You seem to need them to notice you." What???!!! Of course I need them to notice me. Doesn't every mother? How does a mom stand in the background and still be a viable part of their lives? Oh boy...do I need some answers.

Okay, I'm wanting some feed-back obviously. (Will that be considered "needy.") Hmmmm...

Rainy Day Blessings

The pitter patter of rain drops, or the sound of blowing rain against the windowsill, both are welcoming sounds to this sometimes weary traveler.

What's to love about rainy days, you ask? Welllll...mainly the overcast skies bring a sense of calm to an otherwise anxious heart. Wouldn't you agree? One may feel rainy days are "yucky", and overcast skies "dreary", or "a thief of outdoor activity", but I welcome them. They seem to happen just at a time I could really use some "wrap your arms around me" comfort. 

Today is no different. The leftovers that come from a mission of decluttering (Spring, ya know), are in the throws of being donated, stored, or trashed, and while my study is looking inviting now that it's cleaned and organized once again, there are still items waiting for me to decide just what I will do with them. They wait patiently for me. Some left scattered in the kitchen, some (mainly from the shop) lay in the sunroom. Just waiting. I may, or may not get to it, because yesterday was a challenging day for me. Surprise happened in the salon that turned a 3 hour service into a 5.5 hour service. I had planned an early day away from the salon, but that didn't happen. What a gracious and patient client I had. I have always been a person that believes there is a solution to every problem, and I'm like a dog with a bone, finding that solution. Whether it be self-imposed, or simply situational, the issues should never be pushed to the back of one's mind to hide amongst the rest of life situations, never to be visited again. Sometimes, I am successful. Other times, not so much. Today, I'm questioning a lot of things.

We should not forget the situations one just stumbles into, innocently, and feels the gut punch which leaves us with the gnawing feeling the solution will be long in implementation. Those are the ones we need to take a hard look at. What actually happened? Why did it happen? All the while realizing that if things ran perfectly every day, we'd never face a challenge. We'd never know we can be an overcomer, solution experts, nor humble servants. 

Assumptions and speculations need to be stilled, so a heart can be calmed. That is what today has brought me. Oh how I love rainy days!!! Drizzly days, pouring-down-rain days, and even just overcast-sky days. These are the days my soul finds rest. I'm pretty sure God created those with me in mind. (And you, of course) He knew we'd need them...

God is in everything we see, feel, hear, smell, & taste. Even science (which God created), says the reason rainy days bring about a sense of calmness, is because the air pressure is low and filled with water vapors. This combination lowers oxygen levels in the air, which in turn causes our brain to feel tired. When it rains, negative ions are released and that leads to us feeling more relaxed and comfortable. He thought of everything. Am I right? 

Here's to rainy days and Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, & Sundays! Do-over days!!! Fresh start days!!! God is good.

With coffee in hand, I think I'm gonna take a beat. Maybe it's time for a trip to the mountains.

As always, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.

 

Decisions That Cause Pain or...Love Can Be Painful

 

I made my grand-baby cry last night. Something a grand-parent never wants to do. Yet, a decision had to be made, and in retrospect, it may have been the least productive one, for it caused great disappointment and emotion.

She and I have played guessing games from time to time, and I feel like I just lost this one. There is one called "which hand is it in", where you put something in one of your hands, stretch both behind your back and pretend to switch out whatever the "thing" is, between the two. Then bring both hands front and center, and the other person guesses which hand it ended up in. This was what I was doing with the situation at hand. In one hand was, "Do I ignore the fact Momma only has 5 minutes more of work and is expecting us there at that time (a 10 minute drive...already late), and give in to our little girls desire?" Or, in the other hand, "Do I do everything in my power to make sure both are well taken care of, especially since it was a school night, and our little is still in recovery mode from being sick?" Our girls momma (our daughter) has been extensively stretching herself for quite some time now, so I leaned toward getting her home to prepare her girl for the evening hours. At least, that was what I felt best...

Earlier...right after picking her up from school, she had laid her head on the dining table (very tired), with arms outstretched and asked me to "tickle" them. Her mom used to love that also. She spent the next 5 minutes, or so, relaxing to the soothing touch of fingers gently gliding over her arms. I thought she had gone to sleep, but no. 

Today was "mail day" for her, in which the "mailwoman" left a bottle of nail polish. So she painted my fingernails. I asked if I could fix her something to eat, but she had other plans that didn't fit in the narrow window of time we had remaining. She opted for just 2 slices of plain bread instead of a sandwich or something cooked. So maybe that would hold her over until she got home to eat with mom. She was ready to go to the park on this beautiful day, even though it was only 15 minutes before we had to take her to her mom. 

The day didn't end well, and I haven't slept all night because of it. I've gotten a lot of things done, however. Childs car seat has been removed and disassembled, liner washed and dried, base of car seat scrubbed and sanitized with Pine Sol, all car seats, body straps and strap locks cleaned and sanitized; hair brushes soaked in vinegar, rinsed, and now soaking in baking soda waiting to be rescued; a sink full of dirty pots and pans are washed and drying; a ton of boxes are now broken down for disposal (this is the time I will get mega online orders and need them); 3 loads of laundry almost complete, coffee brewing, and finally I get to stop for a bit. And it's only 4 AM. After a small break, I'll get back to the kitchen and do a little organizing before my body demands sleep.

I am so very grateful for family. For grace when it's needed the most. For a great place to call "home" and for all the challenges life provides us. It's been said, and I agree, "It doesn't matter how many times you fall (or fail), it's how many times you get back up."

Today, I will be apologizing to our little girl and letting her know how sorry her Grams is for causing such hurt in her little heart. I know none of us (including her) is exempt from a mirage of feelings as life is lived. I just don't want to be the one causing that pain, or anxious thoughts. For her, for any of us really, life can show itself difficult when we're tired, hungry, and just not feeling so well. I should have considered that a little more than I did.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I (paraphrased)". ~Psalm 61:2

As always, here you'll find me...in Mary's World

Imaginations

Some say I have an overactive imagination. I'm not sure how I should take that, but I choose to think of it as a compliment. I can spin a story that only conspiracy theorists would sit and listen to. If I can't know what is happening at any given moment, my thoughts begin to create possible scenarios, and it doesn't take a lot for those thoughts to attach themselves as reality, in the worst possible way.

Case in point: I have "Find My Friend" activated on my iPhone. Both my girls agreed to allow me access to their whereabouts "just in case". They both know it helps me sleep at night knowing they are safely home when bedtime arrives. If they're not, and don't answer a text, nor a call, I am headed toward their last known location. And who wants that? Right? Anyway, such was the case one evening, a few months ago, where the app was following our youngest in a place I didn't recognize and it was near a body of water. No response to texting. No response to a phone call. I waited for a bit, until I couldn't wait any longer. My mind was already painting a less than desired scenario, so I sent a message to her sister to see if she had heard from her. She hadn't, but was sure she was okay. I wasn't. I knew someone had grabbed her while she was going to her car after work, and was doing only God knows what to her. Was she hand tied, with mouth sealed by duct tape, and thrown into the trunk of her car? Who had my baby girl? And why were they beside a lake? Oh geez...

Then, my baby called. She knew I would be nearing the frantic stage. "Hi Momma!" her sweet voice said. "I'm working with Door Dash tonight, but I'm on my last delivery and headed home." And though the news pulled my away from the ledge, I was still very concerned. A pretty young woman delivering food to anyone and everyone, past dark and alone, well.... She kept the soft tone in her voice as she spoke to me, "That's why it's called Door Dash, mom. You drop it at their door and dash off. Rarely do I even see anyone, and the pay is good." This girl has never had any problem finding ways to pad her paycheck, should she need just a tad more for special occasions and such. I had no idea you could get paid for selling your plasma, either. But when I found out that was a real thing, my imagination took hold and a whole new story began its journey as it ran in and out of the brain waves as they fired and sparked off each other. 

And then, there was the time I was shopping at Wal-Mart, in Miami, Oklahoma. My husband was employed there, and was walking with me through the store, when I noticed a man and a woman being very secretive. They maneuvered in and out of a couple of displays as they kept an eye out for someone who might know them. I was sure it was a rendezvous of two people cheating on their spouses, as I watched them whispering to each other, sometimes serious, sometimes smiling. Turns out they were store employees watching a woman stealing. 🙄

Someone needs to hook me up to Alexa or Siri for story time and just sit back and listen to the mysterious happenings of who done it going on inside my brain.

Until the next sleepless night, here you'll find me...in Mary's World