So, You Just Want to be Happy

Sometimes it takes a few years of living in the last season of one's life, to get a grasp on true happiness. I've lived many a year thinking happiness comes from the results of another person being what I needed them to be...for me. Tell me what I want to hear, rub my back, pick up your dirty clothes, put your shoes where they belong...did I know this about you before I married you? And happiness also came from the purchase of "things". Sometimes small purchases would do the trick. A collectors item, a new outfit, pretty flowers. Other times, it only came from big purchases. Like a new living room suite, bedroom upgrade, new car...well, you get the picture.

If I could leave this world with one piece of advise to young married couples...even the non-married, living-together (cra-cra) people, it would be what I'm about to say now, with full knowledge that I will possibly get a lot of negative feed-back from those that take the time to read. And possibly, a few kudos...

It's been said that we make our own happiness. I may buy into that only a little. If we aren't happy with ourselves, our own lives, it's doubtful we'll have the ability (within ourselves) to be truly happy. Having said that, one cannot live in happy bliss 24/7. Without allowing ourselves to experience life, all of life, we never grow. Never acquire understanding. Never experiencing fulfillment.

God knew. God created. God graced us with the ability to touch His heart, as HE touches ours. To obey His way of life. In that...we find true, fulfilling happiness. In that, life's shortfalls, life's disappointments, life's unexpected events, become a place we can still have true happiness. If it weren't for that, I would be sad most of the time. Others fail me. I fail others. Others have crazy quirks that I can't be around for long periods of time. I have crazy quirks that others can't be around for long periods of time. So?

Please stop saying, "I just want to be happy," if you insist on making it about other's short-comings. Of course we want to be happy. God created happy for us! Those endorphins that people yearn for, and often seek through medication, can be ours at any given time. Without false positives.

Yes, it is true. Many times I do not have a smile on my face. I am a very serious thinker, that often appears to be mad. I am not. Please don't ask me what is wrong. And don't tell me to calm down. I'm thinking...just thinking. Sometimes I think out loud. It doesn't mean I'm mad. Geez...I would have to think long and hard to remember the last time I was seriously mad. Aggravated, maybe, but a long way from mad.

There is so much at stake here. It doesn't mean I am not contented. And many times it does not mean I am unhappy. Sometimes I am unhappy. Sometimes, I allow myself to worry, then I'm reminded that my God is so much bigger than my concerns. He's got this. I don't have to worry. I pray. I pray a lot, knowing that my God loves those I pray for. Knowing He loves me. Knowing He honors mother's and grandmother's whose heart (and anyone's heart, actually) belongs to Him.
         
II Chronicles 16:9 says, "The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." In the good times, in the bad times, in the indifferent times...God will strengthen our hearts and make us glad. Happy. It doesn't come (and stick around) from husbands, wives, daughters, sons, in-laws, friends.  

So, stop it. Please stop it. If I hear it one more time..."I just have to make sure I'm happy," I think I'll croak (some would possible rejoice at that moment). 

Instead, how about saying, "What can I do today to please the heart of God?" When we follow His ways, we tend to become happy people. Giving people. The world stops revolving around us. But to get there, we must travel a few self-centered roads it seems. At the end of those roads we just might bump right into truth. God's truth, that takes us a while to learn. Because we are lazy. Because we are self-centered humanity. Because our eyes are on what others can do for us, instead of what we can do for others. Because we give up way too easily. Because we aren't willing to fight for truth. 

"Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." ~Matthew 7:13-14. God tells us that self-centeredness is common, but leads to a destructive life style, and that godliness (right living) is found from a very uncommon place. One must cut down the thicket, so-to-speak, to find the path that will give a full and complete life. Sadly, we often take the easy way out, right? No thicket clearing for me. I'm too busy making sure I'm happy with false positives. With temporary happiness. Right?

Life can be hard as we try to find the over-grown path. The forgotten way. Heads up...work is not a dirty word. Work is rewarding...in many a way.

And this, folks...is what came flooding into my heart this morning as I prepared breakfast, here...in Mary's World.

Grandmothering...Ode to Reagan Paige

There have been a few things I've learned in recent months that say, "You're good, but you're not what you once were." Some things have reached far back into the archives of parenting long forgotten and pushed to the forefront of remembrance. Today, as I sat at this very computer (with our now 5 month old grand child on lap), wrapping up a few important on-line bill paying, I learned a few lessons more. Or maybe I had just forgotten the moments of yesteryear. Yet, Reagan seems to be one-of-a-kind...like we all are.

Lesson #1:
If one focuses on anything other than the little person on their lap, they should be prepared for the quick of hand, foot, and/or head of the overlooked one. While printing out the confirmation of bills paid, I felt a yank from just behind my left ear. The little granddaughter warrior had latched onto a handful of my short tresses and was showing no mercy. Just as I was reaching up to help her release what she had laid claim to, her twin hand (fist) found my esophagus. As if the throat punch wasn't enough, that sweet little hand opened up, grabbed a hunk of flesh and I was concerned my throat had been ripped out of it's hiding place.

Lesson #2:
Once the warning has been issued to pay attention to the wee one, one should discontinue what they feel is important and place 100% of their focus on the tiny strong person. When Reagan decided it okay to release my hair, my ear found that even though it had been in virtually the same place for 69 plus years, it indeed could be moved to another location. At this point I am doubling over in laughter. Yeah, I know. I just didn't expect her to be so fast, and STRONG!

Lesson #3:
GUARD YOUR GLASSES! I had to take my expensive, brand new glasses off my face so as to wipe the tears that were streaming down the cheeks. As I looked into that angelic face, her eyes caught mine, and we just looked at each other for a moment or two. She looked really blurry because, 1. my glasses were off, and 2. tears were filling up my eye sockets. Yet, I could tell she was flashing that sweet, sweet, smile of hers that I love so much. "Tag! You're it, Grandma!"

Just as I thought, "Well, that ended okay," out of nowhere comes this little Speedy Gonzales right hand aimed right at those glasses that were dangling between the fingers of my left hand. Before I could blink, the tiny hand grabbed them. Working within the bounds of a carefully executed strategy, I was able to free them from her grasp with only a few finger smears on the lens. Whew, that one was close!

Lesson #4:
Just because you've won the battle, doesn't necessarily mean you've won the war. "Come here baby girl," I said, as I eased the cover of the laptop down. And with that, I picked her up from a sitting position to a standing, hugging, loving, position that ended with a head butt, that I'm fairly certain was meant to crush the only place on the face not attacked yet...the nose! Holy Moly, Simoly!

Yet, there are many times this small package from God makes me smile so very big, as my heart grows two sizes larger.

• The calm and unblinking look she gives, as if she is sizing you up as she places every feature you have in her memory banks, would warm the coldest of hearts. 
• The playful giggle she lets out when you pull her hand from her mouth, makes the world seem perfect.
• Using my arm as a wrapping pole for her legs when laying her down for a nap makes me have to hide my face from her gaze because of the uncontrollable laughing that comes from deep inside me. 
• When she catches the eye of someone she loves, even though she may be drinking from her bottle, everything stops for her as her sweet little mouth curls up at the edges and her eyes twinkle "I love you."
• The way she awakens from a nap causes the universe to stop and take notice. She may have been awake for awhile and just playing with Tommy Turtle, or Curly Centipede, or Barley Bear, when she decides it's time for someone to come talk with her. She calls out gently. Once, twice, and by the third time it has become a very loud, "HEY! Come get me!" Yet, upon entering the room, and as your gaze locks with hers, that beautiful smile has found it's way into the atmosphere and all is well with the world.
• When she reaches out for me to kiss her hand as her momma brings her into the house first thing every week-day morning, causes me to feel a bond has formed that she will remember long after I'm gone.
• The way she looks at her momma causes so many memories of when our girls were her age. Daddy's are so very important, as well, and I don't mean to diminish their part in a child's life, but there is no bond stronger than a mother and her child. Possibly because they are a vital part of each other. Moms are forever homes to a child. She is where they were nourished and found their beginnings. She will always be there for them. Their safe place. She is home. Always...

As the days, the weeks, the months, and the years, slip through my fingers, I hope God will allow me sufficient time to see this beautiful child grow into the young woman He has created her to be. I would love to get a glimpse of where He will lead her and hope that Dennis and I can be a safe place for her, as well.

Grateful for the privilege of watching over such a treasure, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.

My Journey Among the Unseen Continues

I've always believed myself to be an optimist. Believing the best of everyone. Believing there to be good in every situation. Always! Still do, actually. When others would say, "Wow, what a pessimistic attitude you have," I would get a little upset. Or, when faced with questions of, "Do you trust ANYbody?", something inside would place a wall of defense directly around my heart. "Why are you always so negative...believing the worst possible scenario?" That statement has always been the worst one for me to face. How does one correct years of pessimism? Years of not trusting others?

But now...now that God has brought me to the place of looking deeply inside myself...the unseen realm of my heart (maybe it's only me that is blind), I am looking myself in the eye, so-to-speak. The question I'm asking myself at this moment is this. Why has it taken so long?! Here I am, in the last season of my life, and I'm just now looking into the deep crevices of my heart? Does humanity believe the best about themselves, always? Or is it just me? Do we neglect, or downright refuse, to see ourselves as we really are?

Dennis has told me for years of my negative behavior, but our youngest confirmed my declaration of skepticism, early this morning. She just sweetly nodded a yes, when this recognition found words that took an exit out my mouth. I love God's gentle way of acknowledging the hard issues of one's heart by putting the most forgiving, and compassionate, individual(s) in front of us when he urges us to look deeper. Today, a recent confirmation (of a month's old supposition), caused my skeptic heart to leap into the "what ifs" and without using the filter of consideration, out leapt words that never should have been spoken. Oh me, oh my...

As I look back over many years of my life, I see, as it were, a panorama of times I've spoken things that never should have been acknowledged aloud. Circling mountain, after mountain, missing the upward way, steeping in all that life had put in front of me, embracing it as my defining self. It's hard to see when one walks in a mist. Easy to lose direction. Resentment has easy access to the heart, leaving in its wake the obvious. Sorrow for a life lived in what appeared to be consumed with darkness, I may have taken on that life, as the one I was handed many years ago.

It's not that I had been refused to visit the high places of God, it's just that once I came from the mountaintops, the decent back to memories of years gone by swarmed my intellect with vivd pictures. And every time, I would push them away to a safe place, to nestle snuggly inside...unseen, quieted, and hopefully boxed away.

It's been only a few short weeks (since June 19th), that God called me to acknowledge the unseen places of my heart. The true reality. {Side Note: Something that just now came to my mind, is my high school's Senior Motto: "To thine own self be true."} See what I mean! Little did I know this would speak to me, some 51 years after it's declaration; after many years of building the pessimistic side of me. The doubter, the distrusting attitude. Could I even be an accuser? Even if it were a silent accusation? The matters of the heart is what God is asking us to deal with. The unseen truth.

So now, now it's time to pull out the thorn(s). Past time, really. I'm actually excited to see where this road will take me. This journey amongst the unseen. It's never too late to examine the intent of one's heart...even if it is in the beginning of the last season of life as we know it.

Working on seeing through the mist...here, you'll find me...in Mary's World

Just Breathe

There are times the world seems to be closing in on us. Times when it's hard to feel the importance of

life. We see others around us and wonder what their life consists of; what their day-to-day routine might be. Are they happy? Are they loved? Is there a hole in their heart from losing someone they love? Is the reason they seem so sullen because they just lost their job or are they going through a divorce? Is their home life good? Or not so good? Are they walking through an injustice? A betrayal? How did they lose their smile? Have they just given up and really don't care they share the same air as others? Or do they feel as if no one really cares if they smile or not? Indeed...if they exist, or not. Why do they avoid eye contact? Do they fear someone might see them for who they are or who they've become? To me, they seem so lonely. Some days it's hard to just breathe.

Today, I went shopping. The area we now live in is full of retail outlets everywhere. Anything a person might want or need is just minutes away. Literally. I really love the fact that we can live in a neighborhood that feels very family oriented, yet brick and mortar stores of all kinds are, as my dad would have said, "just a stones throw away." I've decided this will come in very handy as the years fly by and it gets a little difficult driving long distances. And there are so many diversities of the human race making life all the more interesting...okay, confusing. But only at times.

Just like the people who seem to be walking this life alone, we too, seem to occasionally forget the place we have in Jesus. It is a place reserved just for us and no one else. We are so close to the Father's heart that if we but close our eyes and listen intently, we may hear his very breath. It is his breath that continually breathes life into our soul. We are so deeply loved. He is our eternal escort. Our faithful bridegroom. He will never let us go. There now...it's okay to look deeply into others eyes, even in the midst of your own pain.

It seems to me that we are often blind to the sometimes evasive reality of just how much we are loved. Always looking for validation from those we look up to, or from our piers. Much of the time we buy into the lie that our mates should be the source of our happiness, then fall into a depression when expectations fail us. Truth is, we should be putting our reliance in the One who designed us and draw from the deep wells of contentment that come from the knowledge of whose we are...not from the temporal pleasures that come from human relationships. True happiness, right there! Then, when disappointment comes in like a flood (and it will), we won't walk in defeat, with head hanging down and eyes continually on the floor. We'll then find that the temporal realities are not what define us. It's the unseen realities that speak life into our being and causes us to walk upon the many injustices that come with living as a part of humanity.

It's important to breathe. Just take a deep breathe and blow it out slowly. We must focus on truth as we navigate the oh-so-temporal, that often feels as if it will never end. There, in the unseen cavities of the heart, one must breathe deep as we listen for the Father's breath in us. Ah...doesn't that feel better?

Sure, our situation(s) may not change, but we change. We change because we now realize we can do this thing called life. This training ground for what we can't see at the moment. And our attitude about being adjusted makes all the difference in how well we'll be able to live with a smile on our face and a twinkle in our eyes.

A closing thought: Some will say you're only pretending that everything is alright when indeed, your world has just been turned upside down. There's even a song written about that, I believe. A horrible, revengeful, song. Which really only pushes the pain deeper into the heart. It really does matter who you listen to. Here's a good measuring stick, if you're interested.
     #1. Are you receiving godly advise, or advise that agrees with and feels angry at the pain handed  you?
     #2. Does the advise lift your head and give you hope? Or does it fuel the resentments of the heart, encouraging you to hate?

Let yourself rest in the Father's love. Just breathe...just breathe.

Walking Among the Unseen...here, you'll find me, in Mary's World.

File That Away, Will You?

There are days when it seems as if my head is filled with at least 10, if not more, huge filing cabinets. Each cabinet is packed solid with the happenings of my life. From the very important, to the slightly, or barely noticeable. But all needing some sort of attention.

It's not that my life is so full I can't manage it. On the contrary. I have more idle time now than I can ever remember in my lifetime (and therein may lie the problem). So what seems to be the issue, Mary? Ya got me! There are just days that I need to ramble on, jumping from one rabbit trail onto another, because that's just how it works...ya know? Something will grab my attention and my imagination takes over, knowing for sure that the words spoken to me really meant something so much bigger. So much more damaging than what was actually said. I suppose you could say I spend time "reading between the lines."

My world seems to have shrunk. Go figure...

It feels a bit confining, at times. Yet the world is so huge. Where did the knowledge of "I can fly" go to? What happened to the knowledge that "I can do anything I put my mind to?" Well, that last thing isn't completely gone...but it has shrunk considerably. And I hate that I'm revealing all this to any that take the time to read it. But, if I'm correct, I think most individuals experience this type of confinement at some point in their lives. Simply, if for no other reason, because God is desiring a get together with us. Maybe we've just not taken much of our time to consult...to visit, with Him.    

I have so very much to be grateful for. The most recent has entered our world by way of our first grand-child. What a treasure she is. She has put a smile on my face that makes it hurt. Simply because those smile muscles work over-time when she's around. So many blessings that come from having family...and yet my world seems so small. I don't think it's the result of moving away from a place where everybody knows my name (like the Cheers theme song states), where most were glad that I was there (I think *wink *wink), to a place where few know my name. Nor do I think it comes from attending a huge church where one can become lost in the sea of people that attend. To be clear, the masses don't affect my Dennis. He puts himself out there. He connects. I withdraw. When that started, I'm not sure. Well, maybe I do know...but that's for another blog entry.

Could it be that God is wanting to reveal a truth to me that I need to know? Or at least be reminded of? How might one see reality? How might one see beyond the visible and the audible? Not the reality we think is real. The reality that one gets a glimpse of only occasionally. The reality that causes scales to fall from eyes; that entices one to look deeply through the fog-like atmosphere of the heart. The unseen. The faint glimpses of something much bigger than the small realm lived in. The hidden things of the heart. THAT reality!

I think it's time to re-visit the allegory of Hinds Feet on High Places, and Walking Among the Unseen, where Much Afraid was given an invitation to the high places. Yes. That's it. I need to climb the heights of love, joy, and peace...once again. Inspiration for the here and now.

I will keep you posted on this journey I'm about to take...here, in Mary's World.

Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

Some months ago, our daughter Meghan, asked if I'd be willing to take a CPR class if she and Clark allowed me to watch Reagan when she returned to the work force. We all know the answer to that, don't we? I'd jump over the moon for her, if that's what it took (that may be a bit exaggerated...).

Today, I made good on my promise. Upon arriving at the real destination (I had gone South instead of North...that's never a good thing), I was sent upstairs to a room where there were only old people. I figured I had been misguided until verbal orders began flying around the room directed at me. That was when I realized I had arrived. People love giving me instructions before I even open my mouth. Happens all the time. I had planned on paying for the course before the class started, but I guess they had a different idea. So, being the organizer of all things business, I pointed out the highlighted information about attending class mate, Mary Lewis, that glared up at us all. How one could over-look that, is beyond me. Oh well...all's well that ends well. And it ended well. I was sent back downstairs to pay the lady that sent me upstairs in the first place. They were busy this morning. I'll give them that one. And I got some great exercise going up and down two flights of stairs, twice.

Once the time to start had arrived and left, a young couple came in. Having a set of 4 year old twins at home and a baby that was due any day, they decided it would be a good thing to attend. I'm glad they were there. The room suddenly felt younger. About 15 minutes into the 4 hour class, another young couple arrived. They were totally new at being parents. This would be their first. It showed...

The very mature lady leading the group passed out Kleenex to everyone that had lipstick or lip gloss on. I was the first she handed it to. I said, "I don't need it. I have nothing on my lips." She insisted that I wipe my lipstick off. "Sorry. I don't need it." It's been said that a look (picture...but let's just go with this, okay?) is worth a thousand words. I felt she was about to kick me out of the class, and since I'd already paid, thought I'd better take the offering. I took the tissue and pretended to wipe. I'm getting weak in my old age. It's hard convincing older citizens that you are right and they are wrong, so I gave in.

I loved the mannequins we got to save. According to the Kleenex lady, they were harder to compress than the human frame, so if we could endure the time spent with them, we'd be okay if and when the real deal happened. It seemed fairly easy, so I think I'm good to go. However, if the heat in the room had been about 10 degrees lower, we possibly could have saved two of those mannequins; the ones that had their heads pop off during a rescue...and their chests blown out from forcefully blowing air in through their mouths that would blow a helium balloon up. That was really funny. Yeah...it was the two guys that did that. They wanted to make sure the patient got plenty of air. That may have been a wrong move...

All humor aside, my favorite part of the class were the instructions for saving an infant. One of the main things people don't realize is that you should never tip the infants head back like you would an adult. You will shut their airway off. There is also a right way, and a wrong way, as with everything under the sun, of dislodging something that may be in the infants throat, causing it to choke. Same with a pregnant lady. Can't really do a Heimlich on her. And there is a place (on infant & adults) that one must be very careful not to press down on when doing compression. I could list many things about this class that was so very important. You seriously need to attend one of these classes.

There's plenty of information on the internet about CPR, but nothing beats hands-on and having trained professionals walk you through it all. Simply amazing. Go to a CPR class!!!

This old dog continues to learn new tricks...here, in Mary's World.

Trust the Process

Admittedly, there have been times I've rushed the process, not completely trusting the results of waiting something out. Trying to reach the end of whatever it is I'm dealing with in business and/or personal relationships, I tend to get a little "antsy". Who likes to wait it out? Not many. Maybe no-one, if we're truthful. We want results now...not "only God knows when."

Bare with me for a bit as I draw a parallel. Recently, I worked with a client wanting her hair to be more red. Not flaming red...just more red. Our starting palate was more of a chocolate brown, so getting a brighter red entwined in those curly tresses was going to take a little correction in the depths of the hair. Meaning, I would need to strip some of that chocolate out before trying to infuse the red. Well, I took the shortcut and it didn't work so well. Good thing I had a sweet, understanding client. I really did think this would be the easiest on her hair (natural curl is very porous and doesn't like a lot of chemical action), and would satisfy the look we were going for. I was wrong. I brought her back into the salon to strip the hair of color (like I should have done in the first place) by a bit of bleaching, using the baby lites technique. This would be the least damaging, and would give her the red she wanted, after rinsing the hair and adding red into the lifted pieces along with the rest of the hair.

I rushed the process. When I checked the hair, I noticed the red was deepening and I didn't want it to get so dark that we'd be faced with virtually the same issue of not being noticeable as it blended into the darker hair. I didn't trust the process. She had to come back a SECOND time. No, I'm not proud of that. In fact, I'm a little embarrassed because of it. This time, I was going to make sure we got what we wanted, and so, after doubling the dye load and applying triple the normal application, I left the product on the amount of time instructed. This time it came out beautiful! I did need to tone down the roots a bit since it had been a month since I'd seen her last and the root area, well, it was virgin hair. Hair that loved that double dye load. And that's another story. It did eventually end well. Thank God!

My point is that if I'd trusted the process to begin with, she would not have had to make so many trips to the salon. And I wouldn't have egg all over my face. Whatever that means...

Walking through life, we tend to travel the same road many times over, simply because we don't trust the process and the results that come with the tried and true. It's as if we expect life to throw roses our way, but forget those roses also have thorns. We seem to give up way too easily. Sure, we try to figure things out for the good of everyone. We just don't wait for the process to prove trustworthy. It would seem as though patience and perseverance are in short supply. They're not, you know. We've just got to remember the path was walked out for us long ago. A record of how to live life, fully whole, was made for us. We were given a road map, as it were, to living life. One of the reasons Christ came to earth was to show us how to walk upon injustice, how not to take into account a wrong suffered, how to love instead of hate. He walked, as a man (fully God and fully man, I Timothy 2:5), through everything we'll ever have to face...and more.

Years ago, before the internet, I heard people make the comment when becoming a parent for the first time, "I wish baby's came with a rule book." They did/do come with a rule book. It's the same rule book we follow throughout life. It's called the Bible. But you knew that, didn't you? You just didn't think about it as being something one would go to for instruction on raising a child.

We've got to trust the process. It won't fail us. However, when we do fail to trust, we can ask for do-overs. Like I did with my client. And depending on how long you've made things happen the way you want them to, will decide if a do-over is allowed. Sometimes, those we've messed with will walk away, but God remains faithful as He asks us to consider a different outcome. He surely must shake His head at us (me) from time to time.

Most of the things I blog about are things I'm experiencing at the moment. They are my inspiration. So, if the shoe fits...I guess I'll share mine with you...here, in Mary's World.