My Journey Among the Unseen Continues

I've always believed myself to be an optimist. Believing the best of everyone. Believing there to be good in every situation. Always! Still do, actually. When others would say, "Wow, what a pessimistic attitude you have," I would get a little upset. Or, when faced with questions of, "Do you trust ANYbody?", something inside would place a wall of defense directly around my heart. "Why are you always so negative...believing the worst possible scenario?" That statement has always been the worst one for me to face. How does one correct years of pessimism? Years of not trusting others?

But now...now that God has brought me to the place of looking deeply inside myself...the unseen realm of my heart (maybe it's only me that is blind), I am looking myself in the eye, so-to-speak. The question I'm asking myself at this moment is this. Why has it taken so long?! Here I am, in the last season of my life, and I'm just now looking into the deep crevices of my heart? Does humanity believe the best about themselves, always? Or is it just me? Do we neglect, or downright refuse, to see ourselves as we really are?

Dennis has told me for years of my negative behavior, but our youngest confirmed my declaration of skepticism, early this morning. She just sweetly nodded a yes, when this recognition found words that took an exit out my mouth. I love God's gentle way of acknowledging the hard issues of one's heart by putting the most forgiving, and compassionate, individual(s) in front of us when he urges us to look deeper. Today, a recent confirmation (of a month's old supposition), caused my skeptic heart to leap into the "what ifs" and without using the filter of consideration, out leapt words that never should have been spoken. Oh me, oh my...

As I look back over many years of my life, I see, as it were, a panorama of times I've spoken things that never should have been acknowledged aloud. Circling mountain, after mountain, missing the upward way, steeping in all that life had put in front of me, embracing it as my defining self. It's hard to see when one walks in a mist. Easy to lose direction. Resentment has easy access to the heart, leaving in its wake the obvious. Sorrow for a life lived in what appeared to be consumed with darkness, I may have taken on that life, as the one I was handed many years ago.

It's not that I had been refused to visit the high places of God, it's just that once I came from the mountaintops, the decent back to memories of years gone by swarmed my intellect with vivd pictures. And every time, I would push them away to a safe place, to nestle snuggly inside...unseen, quieted, and hopefully boxed away.

It's been only a few short weeks (since June 19th), that God called me to acknowledge the unseen places of my heart. The true reality. {Side Note: Something that just now came to my mind, is my high school's Senior Motto: "To thine own self be true."} See what I mean! Little did I know this would speak to me, some 51 years after it's declaration; after many years of building the pessimistic side of me. The doubter, the distrusting attitude. Could I even be an accuser? Even if it were a silent accusation? The matters of the heart is what God is asking us to deal with. The unseen truth.

So now, now it's time to pull out the thorn(s). Past time, really. I'm actually excited to see where this road will take me. This journey amongst the unseen. It's never too late to examine the intent of one's heart...even if it is in the beginning of the last season of life as we know it.

Working on seeing through the mist...here, you'll find me...in Mary's World