No one is exempt from experiencing the pain of missing someone; at some point in our lives, we'll all experience loss in one form or another.
I have lived a long life and now find myself to be closing in on the finish line. I have regrets. I have had times of surrender, and times of refusal to surrender. I've had times of not knowing exactly what surrender would look like...or even if it was a requirement in order to live a life where peace was even remotely possible.
For the most part, my adult life has provided me freedom to follow my hearts desire. I became accustom to that solid foundation, knowing I was respected and had the assurance of being trusted. Yet, as time disappears, it occasionally feels as if that doorway to freedom is quietly closing shut. I have begun to notice it happening more frequently now, and I'm feeling a bit trapped with no visible exit strategy...no hope of change. I can't envision it getting better. Only worse as time evolves.
I'm a runner.
The fight or flight reflex has been strong inside me since I was 9 years old, and has only gotten stronger as age over-takes me. Fear became a cautionary tale, early in life, as it consumed me. My triggers are many...
Looking back, if I could tell my younger self anything, it would be, "Be bold. Stand your ground. Refuse mediocrity and those who would try to control you for their own gain."
Running from something is only good when you're in danger. Mentally, or physically. Running, however, creates enough fear where it's hard, if even possible, to ever trust another person fully. Running will make sure you never have a natural foundation to build upon. Running creates loneliness. Because runners are without family.
Running toward something...something that will grow you into the person you were created to be...well, that's another story. Facing adversity. Facing difficult places...running towards the roar that is trying to create fear, just might create resilience. Facing, and conquering, our demons will give us wings to fly.
It's for the courageous. The timid will shrink back. The bold will conquer.
There are different ways to run, however.
The mental way is just as entrapping, or as liberating, as the physical one. "Choose your poison," it's been said. Running away from, mentally embeds fear that grips your thoughts and pulls every negative "what if" inside your thinking. Peace can't be found there when all that commotion is happening. Running towards, hard though it may be, provides strength to face another day.
And just as fear builds, so does strength. We must choose which direction to run...
I know why people want to feel wind beneath their feet. Or "beneath their wings" as the song goes. I know why freedom is so important. Because I have been bound both mentally, and physically. I've seen the dark side of life, and I've witnessed the side where light pierces that darkness.
But...the mountain I have recently encountered comes from a rope that would entangle me again.
At this point in my life, I need to be free of past entanglements.
- Free of demands
- Free of expectations
- Free to live
- Free to be me
- Free to make my own choices, and face my own consequences
- Free
I realize such a desire may sound selfish. It may sound as if I want to shirk responsibilities. To not care about anyone other than myself. I do realize that.
But you would be wrong to think that is what I want. I love responsibilities. I love being wanted, needed, useful, and having purpose. I love a solid foundation. I love being seen by those I care the most about.
What it does mean, however, is that I must be free to come and go as I please without being weighted down with what anyone else may think of my choices as to where I should, or should not go and how I should divide what time I have available to me.
I've walked that path already. Many, many years ago. I will not be entrapped by it again.
If I have only 3 days to visit family I haven't seen for 10 years, I need to not have quilt laid on me because I don't want to take away from the only time I have for family (most likely to never see them again this side of heaven), and use it for being somewhere other than with them.
When others try to impose their way upon me, tension mounts, triggers begin going off, and my fight or flight kicks in as my body responds internally.
Danger signals spark inside me telling me this night will be a restless one. Don't fall asleep. Stay alert. You're on your own. The next phase is coming...
Even though there really is no need for all this to be happening, the small signals that trigger memories find their way in. And the mountain that has presented itself (again), I have to climb (again). And I am weary of it asking for another round.
The most tiring of all? It's always my fault. "Why are you like this?" It's as if their own words, their own expectations, thrown out is not the problem. This kind of coercive control can't be reasoned with. It's as if their expectations are more important than the very reason I need to focus on one geographic area. Not three.
Whatever happened to kindness? Why are we kind to perfect strangers (or friends), but not to those we claim to love? To those we have vowed to cherish above anyone else. Other than God of course...
What has become of reason?
Runner? Only in my mind. I'm faithful, if nothing else. My feet stay because they wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I stay because I would never intentionally hurt those I love, regardless of the times of contention. I stay because I know my fears. I know where they come from. And I know my triggers.
They will follow me, no matter where I find myself to be.
But so will God...
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~Isaiah 40:31
As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.
#myjourneyamongtheunseen #lifeissues #theforgottenway
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