So...the Deed Has Been Done

My emotions have ran the gammet this past week; even more so since the announcement that few saw coming. Granted, the big decision has been playing ball with me for some time now, and up until last week, I had always won. Many debates as to why I should, and why I should not, have been voiced. Lovingly voiced. Time, and time again...

And now, here I sit, stirring the mushrooms in my coffee with the cinnamon stick that sits lazily in the coffee cup until needed. I'm tired. Very tired. Not only did what I thought to be allergies/sinus issues, turn into a full blown head & chest cold, sleep also, has escaped me for nigh on a week now. I'm tired. Really tired. Yet, I force my body to come under subjection and move forward. Except for this moment. Needing a chair to take the weight of my body off my feet, at least for a moment, I chose the tried and true; the faithful office chair. I do love my office. My study. My hide-away. I do.

Still coughing up a lung and a half, I navigated the back-and-forth of STAY OUT OF MY SALON messages over the weekend. Yet, the messages just weren't taking hold, or they hit more than one wall and was took out, never to live. I'm a person that always crosses my "t's" and dot my "i's". It's the best I can do to preserve my way of life. Yet the unexpected has a way of happening, regardless of how hard one tries to escape it. And therein lies my distrust of humanity. Even my own humanity...sometimes.

To say I am super happy that I installed a Foscam (that's a story for another time) inside my studio, is an understatement of mega proportions. As I think about the ramifications of what would have happened, had it not been on duty yesterday, makes me take deep breaths of gratitude, when I can get one. A deep breath, that is. That sweet little addition caught workers hired to upgrade a few things (floors & mirrors), in the process of taking my salon apart, piece by piece. Most likely, I startled the begeebers out of them when my groggy, hoarse & raspy voice (that gurgled and sneezed occasionally from irritated nasal passages), came yelling through the small voice command center. "STOP! WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!!" I tried calming myself, as I knew it wasn't their fault. They were there to do their job as ordered, and with a tower of jewelry in their careful hands, they froze in place. It appears that I wasn't the only one who has cut the cord...if you know what I mean. It's likely you don't, 'cause I'm not always clear.

I have spoken to several of the workers, off and on, during the time they have been in the studios, tearing up and replacing. They seem really nice, so I'm kinda sorry I yelled at them. But I wasn't sure if the thing (the Foscam) really worked or not. It was the first time I had to use it. So I yelled. I was suppose to, right? They showed me their work orders, so I had to be the mean suite owner, and assure them I had covered the confirmation of putting my studio renovation on hold until I moved out, aka/closed my business, and to please contact their supervisor.

Did I mention how tired I am? Anyway...I had to push my body out the door and head to the salon, a 7 minute drive that happened in 3. Maybe 4. They had indeed stopped removing, and had gotten everything back in the studio by the time I arrived. All I had to do was reposition and re-clean what had been moved out. I survived...

So...back to paragraph ONE of this rabbit trail:

    The deed that had been planned to run so smoothly, the RETIREMENT on my 78th birthday announcement, had suddenly taken a deadly turn. 

        Not a good turn. The social media content had launched before it was suppose to since I didn't "schedule" it. My fault. Kinda. 

When I am deep in thought, 

            deep in the mix of whatever is needing done; 

                        to be distracted in the middle of it, well...I can't be held responsible for what transpires.

So, that happened last Sunday. Throbbing headache, blurry eyes, and achy body had to move quickly. Something my brain wasn't ready for. The emails had to be sent (since social media had been notified) without being as complete as I had planned. I suppose another email blast is in order for a bit later.

Something (business room mistake), I suppose, had to be added to the mix just to make this whole thing a memory hard to forget. Gotta love those memories. The good, the not-so-good, the undesirable.

I am soooooo tired of laying in bed, but now I think it's calling me again. But first, where's the Tylenol?

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

Grief Is Personal & Individual, With No Rules or Timetables

Tuesday, March 9th, 1943, was the day my sister Becky breathed the earths atmosphere into her tiny lungs. Today would have been her 82nd birthday, had she stayed. But...on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 5:23 P.M., heaven received her back and earths atmosphere released its hold on her.

Had God intervened and said no, possibly she would still be an active part of my life today. But instead, He welcomed her home releasing her from the pain and untold suffering she was experiencing from the unimaginable effects of PSP.

Progressive Supranuclear Palsy is a rare brain disease that allows the brain to continue sending messages to the body, but confuses them before they reach their destination. She was literally trapped inside her beautiful body that had no way of obeying the commands sent to it. No way of communicating. No way of making her desires known. No way of caring for her own personal needs. And yet, she chose the way of least resistance. She willed her life to be subject to the grace of God that allowed her to get through what must of been the most horrific existence, which in turn provided her to live out what time the disease allowed, in total peace. She trusted those she loved. She trusted her God. It was God's grace that held her. God's grace that showed her the way through the hardest of mountains that denied movement. And the most depended on was her husband. She couldn't have asked for a better care giver. He gave up his own life to become hers.

It's true...he didn't experience the effects of PSP like she did. But he did experience PSP by watching his beloved suffer. While she was still able to speak, she let him know that she trusted him completely with the choices he made for her care as the disease overtook her. It must have been quite the conversation. He asked for help only a few times. Times he needed assistance while learning how to serve her every need. He shouldn't have had to ask.

And now, 17 long years have flown by, yet I miss her still. Some days are harder than others, but I'll always remember how she encouraged me to live the life God has given me. Live it as though it depends on me to make it good. "You can't change anyone but yourself," she told me. She always spoke truth, never sugar coating it. Truth, she knew, was the only way to set someone free from their (usually self imposed) prison(s). Strange, I feel her presence as I type this, tears once again demanding release from my own body.

Grief and loss have strange ways of progressing. Each individual will experience them differently as they navigate the life that is still bound to earths atmosphere. There are no rules. No timetables. Never progressing from one stage to another, easily. Nor can it be controlled. It's okay to let tears bring about healing, for they will if we but let them. I can't say we will ever be totally back to "normal", but we will gain a sense of what is truly valuable and what is not.

Becky will be with me always, even though I can't physically touch her. She was my protector, literally and spiritually. Coming from such a large family, it usually fell on the slightly older sibling to watch out for the younger. She was mine. She did her job well, even when I resisted and went against her instructions. Ready to receive me back to where she could once again watch over me. How I must of worried her...

I went through several stages of grief when she left. At first I denied this could be happening. The slow progression that took over her body. Then, I felt angry that God could be allowing this to happen. I never bargained with God, like some do. Still, depression hit me like a ton of bricks. Why her? Why not me? She seemed so innocent. So undeserving of this. Eventually I allowed myself to reason it out with God. Allowing truth to speak its peace to my heart. I still miss her, but am getting closer to seeing her again. How quickly the years fly past us, even if some days they seem to crawl out their existence.

I leave you with this: We must treat ourselves with kindness and compassion. No judgement. No what ifs. We have a right to grieve and no one (not even ourselves) can tell us when it's time to end the process of grieving. Seventeen years later, I still grieve. I still love, I still live. But some days, I just need a good cry.

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Seeing Into the Mind of One MJLewis

Read on for just a tiny piece of the large puzzle I am working on...

These last few months I have had more on my mind than most of the entire last year. I've always strived for perfection. Perfection in whatever my hands find to do. I was raised this way and it has stayed with me. Some would say it was closer than any friend I've ever had.

Actually, I think most of us are this way, whether we believe it to be, or not. We want to grow and flourish in whatever we find to do. Yes? Whatever our lives consist of, we want it to be the best it can be.

Yet balance is so important in life. To expect instant gratification is to hold onto so many things, while hoping nothing is going to drop. Hoping that others see us. Hoping they confirm our existence, because we, ourselves, wonder if we are important. To anyone. I know, it's childish thinking, but so many adults walk this earth just needing to be seen. And I know why. But this is not about that.

It's my opinion (I have one...so do you), in order for a well balanced life, we must take a step back from our overwhelmed normal days and find a place of peace that will allow some things to just drop, without trying to catch them, if it means we will be able to hold other things more closely.

This may look like not saying yes to everything, but saying yes to only a few very good things. And in this revelation comes the battle of the mind. It will show us all the reasons why this line of thinking is just a bunch of misguided crazy thoughts. It will tell us to stay the course, then throw the "what ifs" at us. We prepare our lists of pros and cons, just to throw them out and begin again. And again...

I am not overwhelmed at this stage of my life. I have been overwhelmed, in years gone by, in my growing years...but not today. So you could say I believe myself to be bit of an expert on this matter. I came here to say that too much of anything brings with it the impossibility to balance any of it, and it will become a place of chaos. Not peace. And the family suffers as we continue living on this merry-go-round. At some point we must remember that only we, ourselves, determine who want to be. We find our peace, our comfort, our existence, when we find our Creator. The perception that we need to please others so they will find us pleasing, is a myth. A lie, of sorts. Once we realign with God, we will find balance and then be able to release the unimportant things we have believed to be important.

Soooo...Spring is looking at us this very moment. It's so close we can feel it, see it, anticipate it. It's the perfect time to breathe in and exhale. The perfect time to let go of the unnecessary, so we can hold the really important close.

Today, you have seen into a tiny nook of my mind, which I believe to be stable. Mostly...

and here you will find me, always...in Mary's World.

To Boot, or Not to Boot

Wellllll...I finally went to see a foot doctor about the pain that causes me to limp. Painfully. Took me only a little over 2 months to give in to the idea I may need to see a doctor. Turns out I have a bit of Peroneal Tendonitis of the right lower extremity. Simply meaning the tendons on the outside of my right ankle are very inflamed. And pretty mad at me for some reason. Doc says it usually comes from over use and repeated stress. Hmmmm...wonder where THAT comes from. 😂

Soooo...the above was written last Thursday, Feb. 13th. I was so frustrated with the doctor because of what I saw on my health portal. The things he claimed he had done during my visit, just weren't true. It's so hard for me to trust doctors anyway, because I feel many of them add "services rendered" (that actually haven't been) just to milk our insurance company, thus causing the rates to sky rocket.

Anyway, that was then, and now it now. He had given me the "good news" that he could fix the problem by having me wear the clunker of all boots, for 2 weeks. I did try it the following day. Wore it the entire day and ended up with a really bad back ache from the mirrored twin foot not being as high as the platform the boot provided, thus throwing off...well, everything. The ankle and foot DID feel somewhat better, but now my back was killing me. I knew I'd never be able to wear that monster all day at work. So I didn't...

Today, one week later, I went for my first walk about the neighborhood since the first of December, last year. Just as I left the house it began snowing again. MY KIND OF WEATHER!!! Got in 1.5 miles of pure bliss. My face became pretty cold in the 19 degree weather, but the rest of me was warm and snuggly. I was prepared. 😁  As my feet hit the snow covered pavement, my back straightened significantly causing me to walk a bit taller than I have in awhile, It was as if there had been extra morphine pumped into my body causing an unexpected pace to prevail. 

It was a great walk. With snow flakes pelting me in the face and a gentle wind blowing them across the path I had chosen, my spirits lifted from their lackadaisical existence of protecting the wounded foot. It's pretty amazing what a short walk can do for a persons complete being. Turns out the foot got all better by itself without the boot. Just took a few months. Hmmmm... 

Loving this weather for getting back into the swing of things, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

The Beauty of Stillness

Ah...the beauty of new falling snow amongst winters frigid temps. Why is snow so mesmerizing??? Did you know that snow absorbs sound? The atmosphere becomes so peaceful, it seems almost ethereal. The landscape it falls on becomes visually stunning as it reflects large amounts of light while calming all our senses. Nostalgic memories begin their dance as we remember days of our youth during a time when responsibilities were few.

How I wish it would continue throughout the day and into the evening hours. How I wish it would stay awhile, like an old friend that comes for a visit just to confirm she still remembers you. But it won't. Not here in North Carolina. It never does. Not like it does in Oklahoma. I shouldn't expect it though...not really. Living in the South, all the "weather" we get is rain...mostly. It's kinda funny how I've always said we were a mid-west transplant. Come to find out, Oklahoma is more of a SOUTHwestern state. Who woulda thunk? One never stops learning. Until....well, you know. 

As I look out my study window, all seems so settled. So at peace with itself. No travelers, to speak of. No birds singing. No squirrels running around chasing each other...just softly falling snow. In our backyard, the children's swings remain still, the fire pit is covered in a white blanket of snow, and the arbor that shares the beauty of new life during the spring and summer months, now is nestled under bare tree branches that hang low, as if to guard against the chance of a howling wind. They aren't aware of their bareness, I suppose. And the wind is still, this beautiful snowy day. 

Enjoying the beauty of our Creator, and a cup of coffee, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Navigating the Unknown

You've heard it many times. So have I. "I think I'll just move to the mountains and live in a cave somewhere." Or similar utterances. Why do people find it appealing to be alone? So alone that only nature surrounds them?

Could it be because nature isn't demanding? Maybe because it's not as active/busy as where we now live? Less noise, less activity. Nature is peaceful (mostly) and beautiful (mostly). The one thing I think is more of a reason is because it never complains or requires us to do anything for it. It doesn't expect anything of us, other than respect for it.

Years ago, sometime mid year 2012, God spoke a living word to my heart. "Wherever you find yourself to be, there I am." In other words, I couldn't remove myself from one place to another, and be void of God. He has promised to never leave us. Never forsake his children. When we become parents, we understand this, yes? Well, we were preparing for the big move from Oklahoma to NC. during this time of asking God for direction. I love change. I do. I just wasn't so sure what our future was going to look like in NC., and I really like knowing what to expect when change happens. Yet, all I was sure of was this was a God thing and we would be okay. 

A new adventure was facing us down. The decision had been made and we were excited to be "just down the road" from our girls, but for the first time in my adult life, I had no clear vision of the next 5 years. I knew what steps we were suppose to take, but it was the hope of finding solid ground once those steps were taken, that had this visual brain of mine, swirling. I compared my thoughts to a fishing cork bobbing along in a vast ocean with no particular destination. I/we would be at the mercy of the unknown. At least for a time. That, I believe, is why God spoke to my soul. A reminder...to steady me.

I confess I tend to worry way too much, and our destination was halfway across the US of A. Much bigger than we were accustomed to, as well. I remember, when visiting our girls (while we were still residents of Oklahoma), they would take us out to eat. On one of the first outings, as we were leaving the eating establishment (I think it was Carolina Ale House), I looked out amongst the sea of cars in the parking lot. I wondered then how could so many people live in one area. How long would it take us to find our way around this huge place? But then again, we had Siri, who seemed to know everything. We just had to inquire of her. Now? Now I think the parking lot that held all those "sea of cars" isn't nearly as big as my initial evaluation of it. It's quite small, in fact, for all the eating establishments that one could choose from that it must serve.

We were already what most would call senior citizens, those many years ago, yet that wasn't what concerned me. I've always believed I could do anything I wanted, if I but tried. I just couldn't see exactly how this plan was going to work once we hit North Carolina. Yet, I trusted it would not only be good, it would be the beauty of what God had for us. The icing on the cake, so to speak. Still, having only the blueprint for the first step, I was working on balancing myself while waiting on instructions for the next. But I did have a deep seated peace. And joy. Excitement for this last season of our lives. Can one actually have joy while struggling with the "what ifs" of life? I would say most certainly. It's indescribable, really, the peace that surrounds the circumstances (are they really circumstances) of life...if one's heart is full of trust in the midst of life's issues. "Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble." ~Psalm 119:165

I've said all that, to say this: If it weren't for the joy God placed inside us, we would be like mice on a constantly moving wheel, running with no place to go. Maddening, right? Joy gives us strength for living. It allows us to walk in the sunshine even when the rain pours down. It gives us wings to fly when most of the world is walking. It gives us strength to persevere even under the worst circumstances. Joy keeps us steady while navigating a world filled with different personalities, different beliefs, different demands. Like God, joy doesn't evaporate when facing troubles, or, as in our case, pulling up deep roots for a replant in unknown soil.

Still smiling, while also loving the mountains of living (no need for a cave), here you will find me...in Mary's World.         

Faith...or Fear?

Today's Reasoning:

Have you ever considered the faith of a child? They trust you will help them grow while protecting them from harm. That's how God asks us to come to Him. With the faith of (as) a child. Warner seems to fear nothing. She will do just about anything to prove to herself, if to no one else, that she can do it. I love how she sees her world. So full of opportunities that she can be a part of if she but reaches for them.

Yet, as we age, life has a way of distracting us from the truth we once believed. We begin to see with our natural understanding as our eyes feed us information. The "what ifs" begin to pop up as we put our hands to the future we long for. It's when we lose focus of what we were created for, that chaos comes front and center. Travel with me for a short bit as we look at faith verses fear.

Faith is to believe what one has not seen. The reward of faith is to see what one has believed.

We all are driven by faith or fear...one or the other. Both are the same. Faith or fear is the expectation of an event that hasn't come to pass or the belief in something that cannot be seen or touched.

If we allow fear to guide us, we will always live on the edge of insanity. On the other hand, if we allow faith to guide us, we will always live in perpetual reward.

Many of us believe ourselves to be more of a realist, a person of reason, while never considering what drives us. Fear...or faith? You know what I'm saying. Right? We look at our situation(s) and begin the process of slicing and dicing it, trying to understand the why of it all. We look at all sides of it and consider the realistic parts of it. But, how often do we simply say to those situations, "I trust in the One who guides me. I know He is for my good so I will trust in what I cannot see."

Some things to consider:

1) Reason never makes room for miracles; faith releases miracles.

2) Between you and anything significant will be giants in your path.

3) Times of distress have always been what produced the greatest of mankind.

4) The hardest steel is produced from the hottest fire.

5) The brightest star shreds the darkest night.

As my days grow exceedingly shorter, I think of how it would feel to be chained to a mirror of regret, where I would spend eternity examining a reflection of the person I could have become, but didn't, because of the fears of all the "what ifs". Instead of trusting completely in the greatness God instilled inside me from the beginning of life, have I let fear guide me instead of faith?

It has taken me most of my time here on earth to understand we limit ourselves by living in the fear that we have no choice but to accept "what we've been handed." Much of the time, we believe "this is just my life," with no understanding of how to change it. So, we simply give up and live out our lives defeated. We have wasted the greatness of God.

I will leave you with this. Faith delivers a life of peace. However, it comes by way of choice. Just as fear does. The future, as we choose it, is ours. If we choose to ignore wisdom, the future God put within our grasp, will be lost.

Know this...

• Our past does not define us.
• We must seek wisdom.
• We must take action.
• We must not allow criticism, condemnation, nor complaint (even our own), to have control over us.
• We must choose happiness.
• We must choose to forgive those not deserving our forgiveness.
• And finally, we must persist in spite of difficulty. We limit our tomorrows by the doubt we hold onto today...

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." #myjourneyamongtheunseen #lifeissues #theforgottenway #faithorfear 

Thankful for the power of choice, here you will find me...in Mary's World