The Winds of Change

As a native Oklahoman, I sit in North Carolina thinking about the tornado season that is preparing its yearly entrance into my home town and the surrounding 4 states. It's never a pleasant season to face...we've seen the destruction these massive winds cause. As much as I love "storms", these are way too fearful to be even slightly pleasant.

Seasons come and go in every area of our lives. Much like the destruction of tornadoes, so it is with the battle that presents itself in our minds, from time to time. Nothing stays the same, even though there is nothing new under the sun. There are days we are inspired. And there are days we seem to face the mightiest winds of opposition...of doubt. We struggle with despondency and anguish. We brood (sulk). We feel sorry for ourselves as we battle waves of discouragement. There are times we feel as if we're drowning, and there is no hand to reach for us, to pull us to safety. Or we feel as if the wind is blowing with gale-like force against our every movement, with no possible decline in strength. Thankfully, these times are not the normal living pattern...for me, anyway. But I do face them, as we all do.

This partial move of ours finds me without my study books (and a few other things, like my husband!)...which I really miss. I came to N.C. with the bare essentials, thinking all the rest of what I think I can't live without, would follow shortly. It's been 9 months and no evident change in sight. But tonight, as I read from a book loaned to me, I am reminded that I need not be fearful of anything. It seems as if I need to hear this way too frequently. It's a truth I know, but evidently forget.

There are no problems beyond the reach of an all-powerful, always available, omnipotent God who signed and sealed Romans 8:28. The beauty of this Scripture is that it is all-inclusive. It can do anything God can do. It is a divine promise that can touch any hurt and make a way of escape. It lands squarely on the path in front of us...every day, every moment. God transforms our sadness, our doubt, our trials...into victories. It's been said that He alone knows how to bring Easters out of Good Fridays. We can...and will, rise up out of what seems to be the ashes of life, if we but remember, and read again, Romans 8:28.

Even those hard situations we all face, are worked together for good to those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. Every last detail of my life has a higher purpose than I may be able to see. "Blessed is the man who believes, yet does not see" ~John 20:29 "Faith is the evidence of things not seen." ~Hebrews 11:1

I love it that God promised us ALL things work together for good. Not just today, but every day. Not just the fog that seems to surround me, but even the waiting. It's all for good. I am not my own. I was purchased with a price that only He was able to pay. As we search the Scriptures, we find the table He prepared for us in the midst of those things that would pull us from Him, from His promises. When the storms force us to take them on, we have a shield in the promises of our God.

Some days after finishing up my work day, I will find a spot under a tree, to park my car. I'll put the windows down and allow the cool breeze to sweep through as I recline the seat...push it back from the steering wheel, and just relax. I watch people rushing in and out of the stores, some wandering as if they don't know where they are. It's a time of reflection for me as I visit with God. Sometimes I've even fallen asleep, He's just that comforting. It's as if He gives me peace for the moment, telling me it's going to work out for good.

No one likes the real storms of life. No one. I've never heard anyone say they couldn't wait for the next difficult patch to hit them. That would just be weird. I'm not sure I would believe them. Regardless, it's those strong winds of adversity that causes us to become faithful. To become focused. Something is created deep within us. So, I'm thinking it must be that time again. The time to be taught another truth. As long as I have an anchor, I'm good. And that's something I'll never have to be without.

 Winning the battle of the mind...here you'll find me, in Mary's World.

Memories Held Captive

Memories are beautiful things...or horrific things. Memories are like computer hard drives. Everything is stored there for future reference. Memories don't need a back-up, however, like computer hard drives do, just in case they over-load, or crash. Our memories have a mind of their own. Maybe that's their back up. They have the ability to bring up something that happened long ago, or just a moment ago, and that ability was installed in our brain from the beginning of creation, I suppose. The longer I live, the more in awe I am at what God has put inside this funny little package I call my body. We have so much within our grasp, that we rarely grab hold of and use, in our short lives on this planet. Curious, indeed. Now, what was the purpose of that? If only wisdom began earlier than it normally does.

Upon awakening this morning, the first thing that filtered itself through my brain was, "I'll go where you want me to go, Lord." I lay there for a bit trying to decide what that meant exactly. Why was that my first thought? Usually I wake with things like, "What time is it? It's gotta be around 6:30...maybe 7:00." "What day is this?" Silly little things that really don't matter so much...unless it's actually 8:30 instead of 6:30.

Anyway, this morning's first thought has got my memories slapping me around. I've learned a few things since moving to N.C. I guess I should say a few things have had a light shown upon them, where they had once lived...in the shadows of my mind. One very predominate thing is something I've always known and have encouraged others with. Isn't that just like God? He uses us not just for others, but for ourselves also...even if we're not aware of it until years later. That one thing that has me taking deep breaths today, is this: I cannot live on what was. I cannot hold my memories captive. What once was, is no longer necessary. ~ Joshua 5:12-15

There are many transitions in life. Many forks in the road. Many chapters in the book of our life. Different seasons in life. Many pieces to be woven in the tapestry of creation. Whatever you want to call it. Change happens, but memories stick around. It's not that we are living in our own little fantasy world. Well, hopefully we aren't. It's just harder for some of us to flip that proverbial page and get on with new and exciting things. You know who you are! I'm one of you. Even though I've always said I love change and the challenges that life brings, I find I have not been completely honest with myself. I want growth, in me and all those I love, but that means I have to let go of the past. It's really not so bad. I still have my hard drive. Literally. I document a LOT of stuff. Wish I'd had the for-with-all to start sooner than I did.

So...what exactly am I saying here? That's a really good question. Like most things, when God speaks to my heart it's usually for me only, so no-one ever really "gets it" like I do. You have your own "God moments" that I may not get either. :)

My point is simply that I have desired some things to remain as I once knew them, a few short years ago, when our girls were but wee little sweet people that loved my kisses and hugs. However, they are now all grown up (29 & 30 years old), and really don't need what they once did. I thought that would never end. I've held it in my hands for a long time now. My fist has been clenched so long, my hand hurts. This morning, my fist (my mind...my memories) opened up and released what I have always held dear and have insisted they remain the same. Oh, I'll still hold on to those precious memories. I don't think I could wipe them out or delete them even if I wanted to. What I've chosen to do is simply let my girls be women. And beautiful women they are! They'll do it regardless of whether I get on board or not. But they won't have to feel guilty any longer because Mom seems sad so much.

It's true, we can hold others captive while we are insisting on things remaining the same. I didn't even realize it until this morning. "I'll go where you want me to go." Wow...who knew those words could throw open locked doors? I'm still not certain why they were my first thoughts, but God does. And He has a way of getting my attention when I least expect it. Maybe there's still something He has to say about that, that I haven't seen yet. But for some reason, today He has chosen this, to release my memories. I'll hold them close, but not too close.

Today's a new day. A new season. A new chapter. Another beautiful thread in the tapestry. A fork in the road. I'm ready to see what's around the corner on the journey I seem to be on. Make some new memories.

And whilst I'm at it...you can always find me here...in Mary's World!

What Does Respect and Transparency Have In Common?

Transparency is an interesting subject for me. Transparency, for me, means that others can see who I really am, as they use the light of God's truth on what I say, not necessarily on how they interpret the words, taking them for face value. Not taking the time to look deeper for the whys. It doesn't mean (to me), that my mouth opens and out falls a bunch of words about myself. That doesn't necessarily expose who I am, or who I hope to be someday. I may be hurting terribly, yet covering most of the pain, because I know I will be instructed on how I should or shouldn't be. When looking beyond the moment, many things will come into focus. We're able to see past the evident imperfections, because we ourselves are not really that different from anyone else. We are all a work in progress. Age doesn't matter. The toddler makes mistakes, the young person makes mistakes, the teen makes mistakes, the young adult makes mistakes, the middle-aged make mistakes, the senior citizen makes mistakes, and the elderly make mistakes.

I do think if we could all be honest, speaking the truth, when in a sensitive conversation (or otherwise), it would be a good thing. Tempering that honesty with kindness, respect, and understanding, would make for a much better atmosphere, as we attempt to live in peace with each other. Ah...respect. It simply appears to have flown out the door (or window) in many families...in many communities.

I notice it more with the elderly, I suppose. Have we lost our respect for the paths they've had to walk? Why do we treat them as if, once they've reached a certain age, they are  no longer of any value? Why do we make them feel as if we only tolerate their presence? I don't get it. I find it so very interesting to sit and listen to their stories...and yes, their advise.

"There is nothing new under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 1:9). It doesn't matter what generation we come from, life's issues are the same. The world is not getting worse...it's always had it's problems. Large problems. But Christ came to show us how to live in the midst of those (very real) problems. He's given us a table in the presence of those who would hurt us, intentionally or not. That table is a place where we can refresh our spirit and acquire strength to continue.

To honor those that have walked the road, years before us, is to honor God's purposes and plans for humanity. They have acquired knowledge, some wisdom...in the midst of all that they've faced while clearing a path for those coming after them. Yet, much of the time, I see just the opposite as being true. Those that haven't journeyed as long, seem to think they know more than those that already have traveled the narrow, obstruction filled path. They use the tired, old adage, "My path is different. You can't possibly know what I'm facing." While it may be true that your path looks a bit different than anyone elses, be sure the solutions are the same. Cause and effect of life's issues, all have a common denominator.

I'm not trying to put all of creation in this small box. I'm not saying all are of this mindset. It's just that when I see the lack of respect, it makes me intensely sad. And I see it way too often. If you think someone is not being totally honest with you, check to see if you've given them a safe place to be transparent. Check to see if they are honored while in your presence.

Being transparent here, in Mary's World, I will remain until I'm not.

Things Are Rarely What They Seem

From time to time we find ourselves speculating about this or that. We are told never to speculate, because speculation creates sad hearts as the truth emerges. Sometimes we may even fantasize about how things should or could be, and wonder why they aren't. Rarely do those scenarios play out in our realities, because they aren't within our reach...for one reason or another. They are only desires of the heart. A need we think we have, that isn't being filled.

So what does one do to keep from sinking into despair? To keep from feeling completely alone? I know what the easy road is, the road that beckons as we face the same situation day after day after day. It's withdrawing into a shell, created from the pain of what we see as rejection. It's pretending everything is just fine and dandy...when in reality the heart literally hurts, feeling stuck, with no place of escape. Or we will choose to lash out in unbecoming anger that neither helps nor resolves anything.

We are told to "take care of yourself, because no-one else will." What a sad statement. But...as in everything under the sun, there is a bit of truth in that lie. We must be the one that walks through this great deception, even though there may be others that will walk beside us. No one can change our despair, other than the God of truth. And if we've allowed ourselves to sink into the mire of self-pity, then it just may be a long trek.

For many years I've said, "For every problem, there's a solution." That being true, the steps needed to find most solutions are foggy, at best, if the first one is omitted. We are so used to using our own mental resources for resolving issues that are messing with us, we forget to include the One that set all things in motion. And the problem gets much bigger than we ever expected it would.

Step 1:
We must go to the Father of light...the God of creation...the Redeemer of broken hearts...the Healer of all wounds..the One who frees the captives, the prisoners...the One who comforts those who mourn. ~Isaiah 61:1 If we acknowledge His wisdom in all things, He will direct us. ~Proverbs 3:6 (paraphrased)

Step 2:
Step back and take another look at what the truth of the matter is. Don't allow emotions to dictate the situation.

Step 3:
Cry if you must. Tears are actually healing, in and of themselves. We always feel somewhat better after a good cry. Mourning is not a bad thing. We must allow it on occasion. Mourn, then get on with life the best way you know how.

Step 4:
Always choose to find the good in any given situation. It's easy to see the not-so-good. Too easy. That alone should tell us it's trying to imprison us. Even if the problem truly is horrible, there will always be some good to be found...if we but look for it. It may not show itself for a while, but it will be there.

Step 5:
If we begin to slip back into old habits of speculation, review Step 1.

King David had his fair share of problems. At one point, all the men that served in his army prepared to stone him because they blamed him for causing the destruction of their homes, with their wives and children being taken captive. Stoning in that day was not just throwing rocks at someone. They used huge boulders that crushed the body. David could have despaired to the point of withdrawing in his shell and he never would have conquered his enemy, and gotten back the wives and children. But he didn't. David encouraged himself by incorporating Step 1. He asked the Lord what he should do. You'll find his story in I Samuel 30.

I'm not saying I'm anywhere close to having the problems David did. But he had the right idea. Some things we just can't handle ourselves.

Tonight, I choose to follow David's lead. Tonight, here in Mary's World, I will encourage myself in the Lord...and ask of Him.

That Age Thingy

Amazingly enough, I have found myself to be at the age of having to look life (and the end of it) squarely in the eye. As far as I know, I'm a healthy individual, not having to rely on any type of medication or life sustaining paraphernalia. I even resist the occasional ibuprofen for the headaches that come with seasonal allergies...which I didn't have until about 5 years ago. I suppose the immune system I was born with is getting a bit tired, and lets some things slip by it unnoticed. However, I feel strong, not having to deal with such things as arthritis, heart issues, blood pressure issues, or other substantially debilitating problems.

Yesterday was a real eye opener, however, as I found myself becoming emotional as Lindsey and I sat in a wealth builder's office. I think I was able to hide it pretty well, but none-the-less, it was most likely one of the hardest days I've lived (thus far) since moving to N.C. My husband and I had promised our children that we would seek out long-term care insurance, since we were "getting to that age." Heads up, y'all...it's not one that's easy to look at. Have you ever seen the cost of this type of insurance? Geez...now I know why many have to depend on the government for help as they get closer to "that age." I've seen many standing at the pharmaceutical counter, having to give what little money they had, to purchase medication for what ailed them. I've heard horror stories of how they didn't have enough to buy food because of the price of their meds. And forget the cost of heat during the cold winter months, or air conditioning during the heat of summertime. Then as their health failed completely, they had to be put in a government ran facility, with less than desired care.

The hard thing about this type of insurance is that one never knows if they will actually need it, but it could mean the difference of the quality of life one experiences when the time comes should they need help. And we wouldn't have to stress our girls out with what to do with Mom and/or Dad. It's still pretty confusing to me. I'm wondering how we'll make this decision with the price tag being so large. But it is something we will need to decide very soon.

The really good news is that we serve a faithful God. Should the decision be to bring peace of mind to all concerned, we'll find the money. He gives wisdom to those that ask. So, maybe this bridge we're looking at crossing over, isn't so rickety after all.

No matter what the decision is, here you'll find me...in Mary's World, maintaining all that has been given me to manage...until "that age" comes.

How Did She Do It?

I went to Oklahoma to see the new year in. Not liking flying so much, I definitely like it less now. I think the air bus was filled with those needing to be under a doctor's care. And of course, there was that one whose seat was next to mine, that must not have been taught manners when sneezing or coughing. It was a quiet ride, except for the explosive germs being spewed throughout the cabin. 

My immune system gave way to a low grade fever, chills, tremendous headache, eyes & teeth pain, etc., etc. My new mommy (aka eldest daughter, Lindsey), insisted I stay in and rest. I did go to work the first day back, thinking I really wasn't going to get sick. My voice sounded like it was out of a horror movie, but other than that, I was good to go. Felt just fine. It was the NEXT day that things got a little intense. Yada, yada...

The real purpose for this blog is due to waking at 3 a.m. this morning, aching all over from being in bed for 2 full days and nights. Anyone who knows me, knows its one of the hardest things for me...to be still for more than 2 hours in one place...with the exception of bedtime where I need a full 8 hours of sleep.

As I lay there, wishing there was something...anything...I could do other than lay around, my sister Becky once again invaded my thoughts. Thinking of how my own body was miserable, I wondered, "HOW DID SHE DO IT"?!!! She had no choice in the matter. PSP doesn't give a person that choice. It holds you captive, like it or not. With no ability to voice her pain, or her needs, she was at the mercy of whomever would offer help, without knowing what that help should look like. She had the best care giver anyone could hope for. I will never forget the mercy...the grace...with which her husband, so willingly gave of himself to make her as comfortable and content as possible. He gave up his own needs and desires to care for hers...the best way he knew how. I don't know how he did it either. But I am forever grateful he was there for her.

I wish I would have done more. Been more sensitive to her needs. It was new territory for us all. We had never heard of PSP...in fact, it took many specialists to diagnose the problems she was having, and then a neurosurgeon, delivered the most horrible diagnoses of all...Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. PSP is a neurodegenerative brain disease that has no known cause, treatment or cure. It affects nerve cells that control walking, balance, mobility, vision, speech, and swallowing. For Becky, it started in her feet, and gradually moved up her body until the only control she had was blinking her eyes. She began stumbling, not able to pick her feet up, yet stubborn enough to try. Then falling, busting her head open. Denny had to stay close, 24/7 for several years, as the disease continued to consume her. She pushed herself, until there was nothing to push. She told me one time, "I tell my feet to move, but they won't." Her writing became very small and illegible. She would sit for hours playing Solitaire on the computer (her hand wouldn't respond to her instruction), after being "danced" from room to room. Denny let her do as much as she could, for as long as she could. By this time, she couldn't walk on her own, so he put his arms around her, lifted her from the chair, swayed back and forth, until they reached their destination. I've heard that your strength grows in time of need. And this was certainly a time of need for him...and her!

I'm not so sure she could see out of her eyes toward the end...they looked very clouded, and upon a visit from one of her loved nieces, she said, "Is that you, Erin?" She always called Lindsey by her middle name...how that started, I'm not sure, I just know they had a strong connection. One of the harder things to swallow was the fact she never lost her awareness of things happening around her. She just didn't have any control over her environment. As the months turned into years, she lost complete control. No longer able to speak, move, swallow.

This is what I was thinking about in the early morning hours of January 6th., 2013. I was miserable until Becky intruded upon my aches and pains. I needed to move from a sitting position (propped up so I could breathe), to a more lateral one because my skin hurt from being in one position for so long. She couldn't move. How could Denny know when she needed moved? My teeth hurt, my head hurt. Did hers? Who could know??? My mouth was so dry, I badly needed a drink of water. Did she ever get that thirsty? How could she swallow it anyway? Did she ever wish she could reposition herself? I know Den turned her frequently, but those in-between times...she must have had needs none of us knew about. How did she do it? Did she ever have an ear ache? Did she need to scratch her head, or have an itch that wouldn't go away? I have a particular spot on my back that needs scratching from time to time. I can't reach it, so I have my husband scratch until there's that "ahhhh" relief. Did she have spots that needed scratched? Who could know? Did she ever just want her faced washed? Den had a regimen with her personal needs. He saw to it that she was clean and dressed. I can't begin to imagine all he must have given to her. But, what about those times in between, that she might have needed a cool washcloth on her face, or warm one, that was out of the routine? Who could know? Were her shoes too tight? Her undergarments twisted? Was she uncomfortable? Did her back hurt from sitting in a certain position? And her neck...as the PSP progressed, it was impossible to keep her head in the normal position. It would fall back, the neck would stiffen. Did it hurt?

When I was there, styling her hair and applying her makeup for the day, I would try to talk about things I knew she would be interested in knowing. Things like how the girls were doing. How the shop was doing...yet I often wondered if she wanted to talk about her needs, but couldn't. Even researching the disease and becoming somewhat involved with the online support group, I still felt ill equiped and not much help. She seemed so at peace with the situation. When she could talk, the last few things I heard her say (repeatedly) was, "I have this jump up and down joy inside of me." I'm pretty sure she wasn't experiencing anything in the natural realm that caused that. For me, there is only one explanation. God's grace extended to her. She had reached a place where she knew the Father, like few of us do. I'm not so sure I'm there yet. I trust Him totally for the outcome of what I offer up to Him. I have a peace inside, that can't be explained, even though I may ask stupid questions and get anxious for change. Still I'm at peace. But Becky...well, I think she went beyond that. Jump up and down joy? The body that was transforming right before our eyes didn't seem to matter much to her. A once vivacious, get it done, or get out of the way kind of gal...she now was the most laid back, whatever comes my way, type of individual. I thank God for this kindness extended to her.

So...once again, I'm brought back to the importance of life. Not just the physical life we are experiencing her on planet Earth. But more importantly, the spiritual life that only God can give. The One who places deep within us, that "jump up and down joy", when we need it the most.

Forgive me for grumbling, Lord. Thank you for Becky...

Until He brings me home, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.

The Journey

I suppose it's time for an update from this road I seem to be on. Posting another blog entry has been in the back of my conscience thinking for some time now. I'm guessing the Lord is reminding me to journal the experiences He's taking me through...because, after reviewing the most recent entries of Marys World, I've become encouraged once again! Maybe that is why God told Habakkuk to, "Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets, that the one who reads it may run." ~Hab. 2:2

Today, that might look something like this: "I'm going to show you what you need to do to accomplish what it is I've put in front of you. Now, listen up! I want you to get to your iPad, iPhone, iNet, iGoogle, iTweet, iBlog, iMac, iPC...whatever...and place a recorded, for all humanity to see, (including you) of what I'm about to reveal, so that whoever reads it will be able to put one foot in front of the other and run! No pouting now...no 'this isn't going to work', no 'where did you go, God.'" I do believe He knew we would forget even important milestones...and that we would need reminded. And once we are reminded, we can finish the race...finish strong! And so it is, with blogging, archiving, even the written journals (that only you can see).

Our youngest daughter, Meghan, puts many to shame in the endurance category. She has taken up running, for strength, mental awareness, and health. Ten mile runs seem to excite her. It's beyond my comprehension. I went for a one mile walk with her, Todd and Lindsey, a few weeks ago. They thought they may have to carry me back. I'm not for sure why. Possibly it was because of the heavy breathing, coughing and hacking, moaning, and slow pace, that alerted them to this possibility. However, I did make it on my own, surprisingly...to them. They would ask if I was okay...no response. I had to save my breath to give strength to the leg that would make the next step. Anyway....

So, we're still waiting. Building the business is slow. We knew it would be. No surprises there. The problem is, my natural awareness really slaps me in the face each Thursday as another $210 is automatically taken out of my checking account to pay for the lease I signed. The profit made from the sale of South Side Salon, is slowly but surely being devoured. I keep telling God this...but He seems to not be affected by it. And now (yes, that means right this minute) He's telling me, "Profit I provided for you, by working out the timing of the sale." I know...I know! I really can trust His provision. I just need reminded from time to time. I must remember that not everything my natural eyes see, will be the end reality. Everything is subject to change. So...I'm ready God. Change it!!!
I need to exercise more. Meg tells me it clears the cobwebs out of the brain.

On a more content level...I really love the church home we found. So does Dennis. And even though he can't be with me just yet, we both know that at some point our house in Oklahoma will sell, and we can begin this leg of our journey, actually holding hands. We are walking this out together...1200 miles apart. Talk about a long-distance relationship! But God has joined us, so no matter how many miles separate us, we're still in this together.

I am very grateful for the technology of this world. God knew as the world spun faster and faster, we would need a form of communication different than when it first began, and so the inspiration, the knowledge and understanding was communicated to mankind of how to make that happen. There are so many facets of God's love that we take for granted.

One last thing...I should be discouraged. I'm not. Do I wish this situation would change? Absolutely! Yet, I'm confident everything will work out. How, I don't know. I really don't have that insight, just yet. My experiences with God have proven His faithfulness in all things that surround my life. Even when I've made the wrong choice. Not that I have... there would be no peace, if it was wrong.

So.....
As long as there is time left, and God permits...you will find me here...in Mary's World!