It's Amazing What A Curtain Can Teach You

I've been wanting to blog for a very long time, now. Since mid February, to be exact. Nope. I'm not a procrastinator. Life just has turned out a lot of brain fog that likes to travel in circles, while it navigates my new normal. You'd think 5 years would be sufficient to adjust, right? I'm gettin' there. I'm gettin' there....

I was going to post about Walking a Narrow Line, or Keeping One's Balance, or Placing One Foot in Front of the Other, or Walking the Fence, or Why Rubber Pads Are Bad Support Bases While Standing on A Ladder. But then I tried to access my blog site...

My heart is JUST NOW starting to beat in a regular rhythm, after about 30 minutes of head banging. Crazy stuff happens in cyberspace, especially for the tech challenged. The blog I had never had trouble accessing since 2010, now would not allow me to post. And just why not??? Could it be that since it had been a full 7 months since my last visit, big brother thought I had died? Could it be because some weirdo had accessed my blog and stole all my really great posts, and there was now nothing to show? Could it be that my website had connected to the blog (after all, it WAS showing my business email address...weird), and erased everything not pertaining to the beauty industry? Yeah. I know. That one was a little bit of a stretch.

So...very looooonnnnngggg story, short. I was logged into my business account instead of my personal account. Since I have not yet created a blog driven by Google, for that site, it's no wonder it was saying I did not have a blog yet. Good grief! I'm really not sure why that made my heart pump a gazillion times a minute, nor why I thought you'd want to know that. I guess it was the thought of losing all my posts and that all of you would cry. I was frantic inside, while trying to be nice (my husband demands it), to the fella on the other end of my conversation piece that was telling me there was no technical help for the blogger. Breathe out, Mary. Breathe out...

So...I recently changed out the sheer curtains that allowed a lot of light to filter in through the blinds, as they hung in the spare room where Reagan takes her naps, when she is lighting up Grams life. I replaced them with black-out curtains, thinking she might rest better in a pitch black room. I knew she wasn't going to like that. Nor was I. Not sure why I thought it a good idea, other than the fact she is used to sleeping in the dark when she's home, and I think also, at her daddy's.

Every time I walked by the room, all I could see was darkness. Maybe a bit of light was peeking around the edges of a couple of curtains, but mostly, it felt foreboding. The removed sheers had provided Reagan a place to hide from Grams, and she'd never had trouble sleeping before. But these heavy, thick, black, monsters were just too dense. She couldn't see Grams trying to find her. Nor could she shake her head no, when Grams asked if she was behind the curtains. When she woke from her naps, Grams now had to walk into a dungeon to get her and couldn't see that beautiful smile she always had, upon first awaking. Nor could Reagan see Barley, Bunny, Spice, Bear, Willie, Tommy, or Cuddle Bear because it was so crazy dark! She couldn't even be sure she was even sitting up. Too dark to tell. Bad call...

Today, the sheers go back up.

The moral of this story? Never block out the light. Functionality goes down the tubes in dark places (hiding really means hiding when in the dark). Laughter is minimized. Since one can't see their hand in front of their face, one can't know that anyone is listening to their laughter that is meant to be shared. A sense of aloneness develops (can't find our friends), and the room gets really cold. The good news? We can always choose light, if we'll but remove what is creating the darkness. Never block the light.

Until next time, you'll find me letting the light shine in, right here...in Mary's World.

Why I Chose to be Called Grams

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." ~William Shakespeare

I think it matters not so much, as to what we call our grandmotherly selves, we'll still smell the same. That could be a good thing, or a not-so-good thing. Ha!

Not that many months ago, possibly 9 or 10, I was asked what I'd like to be called by our first grandchild. I really had no preference. All I cared about was that MY baby, was going to have a baby, causing my status to change just a bit and inevitably be reminded that years were flying by way too fast. All I could think of was that I seriously hoped God would bestow more years than I expected, so that the little person about to enter our realm of existence would know and love her grandma.

Creativity in choosing a name outside of my original name, is not a strong point I possess. As I began filtering the over-used Grandma, Granny, Gran, and Nana titles, I decided none of those really fit my personality anyway. Why I thought about our girls, and what they are generally called by their friends, I really couldn't say. But I did. Lindsey is called "Linds". Meghan is known as "Megs". I figured Lindsey's name was just shortened, but when I asked her (some years ago) why she called her sister "Megs" instead of "Meg", her answer was so interesting to me that it pushed the creative mind to the forefront. At least I thought so. I really did love it, even though I don't call her "Megs"...she's always been Meghan to me. Or Meg.

ANYWAY...that is how I decided on Grams. Not Gram. Grams. Yes, I am aware that I'm not more than one person and I do realize the use of an "s" means I must be talking about something Gram owns, or there is at least two of me. But, come now. This is the 21st century and many words in the English language mean something totally different than when I was growing up, somewhere way back in the 20th century. Right? Everything is acceptable, or if it isn't, we don't care. Truth be told, I was almost afraid to talk when I first moved to North Carolina (total culture shock compared to where I came from) for fear of saying some embarrassing thing without realizing it. But, Grams is a pretty safe word. As far as I know.

Now...when Reagan begins real talk, who knows what she'll call me. It may be something I, nor anyone else, would have thought of in a million years. But seeing as how incredibly smart that girl is, she may blurt it right out and surprise the socks off us all (I may expect a little too much). One thing is for sure. I will love whatever she chooses to call me, because it will set me apart. Special person that I am. Grams is just a starting point for her to consider.

Now you know. And until Reagan begins speaking English, here you'll find me, known as Grams (with an s), in Mary's World.

So, You Just Want to be Happy

Sometimes it takes a few years of living in the last season of one's life, to get a grasp on true happiness. I've lived many a year thinking happiness comes from the results of another person being what I needed them to be...for me. Tell me what I want to hear, rub my back, pick up your dirty clothes, put your shoes where they belong...did I know this about you before I married you? And happiness also came from the purchase of "things". Sometimes small purchases would do the trick. A collectors item, a new outfit, pretty flowers. Other times, it only came from big purchases. Like a new living room suite, bedroom upgrade, new car...well, you get the picture.

If I could leave this world with one piece of advise to young married couples...even the non-married, living-together (cra-cra) people, it would be what I'm about to say now, with full knowledge that I will possibly get a lot of negative feed-back from those that take the time to read. And possibly, a few kudos...

It's been said that we make our own happiness. I may buy into that only a little. If we aren't happy with ourselves, our own lives, it's doubtful we'll have the ability (within ourselves) to be truly happy. Having said that, one cannot live in happy bliss 24/7. Without allowing ourselves to experience life, all of life, we never grow. Never acquire understanding. Never experiencing fulfillment.

God knew. God created. God graced us with the ability to touch His heart, as HE touches ours. To obey His way of life. In that...we find true, fulfilling happiness. In that, life's shortfalls, life's disappointments, life's unexpected events, become a place we can still have true happiness. If it weren't for that, I would be sad most of the time. Others fail me. I fail others. Others have crazy quirks that I can't be around for long periods of time. I have crazy quirks that others can't be around for long periods of time. So?

Please stop saying, "I just want to be happy," if you insist on making it about other's short-comings. Of course we want to be happy. God created happy for us! Those endorphins that people yearn for, and often seek through medication, can be ours at any given time. Without false positives.

Yes, it is true. Many times I do not have a smile on my face. I am a very serious thinker, that often appears to be mad. I am not. Please don't ask me what is wrong. And don't tell me to calm down. I'm thinking...just thinking. Sometimes I think out loud. It doesn't mean I'm mad. Geez...I would have to think long and hard to remember the last time I was seriously mad. Aggravated, maybe, but a long way from mad.

There is so much at stake here. It doesn't mean I am not contented. And many times it does not mean I am unhappy. Sometimes I am unhappy. Sometimes, I allow myself to worry, then I'm reminded that my God is so much bigger than my concerns. He's got this. I don't have to worry. I pray. I pray a lot, knowing that my God loves those I pray for. Knowing He loves me. Knowing He honors mother's and grandmother's whose heart (and anyone's heart, actually) belongs to Him.
         
II Chronicles 16:9 says, "The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." In the good times, in the bad times, in the indifferent times...God will strengthen our hearts and make us glad. Happy. It doesn't come (and stick around) from husbands, wives, daughters, sons, in-laws, friends.  

So, stop it. Please stop it. If I hear it one more time..."I just have to make sure I'm happy," I think I'll croak (some would possible rejoice at that moment). 

Instead, how about saying, "What can I do today to please the heart of God?" When we follow His ways, we tend to become happy people. Giving people. The world stops revolving around us. But to get there, we must travel a few self-centered roads it seems. At the end of those roads we just might bump right into truth. God's truth, that takes us a while to learn. Because we are lazy. Because we are self-centered humanity. Because our eyes are on what others can do for us, instead of what we can do for others. Because we give up way too easily. Because we aren't willing to fight for truth. 

"Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." ~Matthew 7:13-14. God tells us that self-centeredness is common, but leads to a destructive life style, and that godliness (right living) is found from a very uncommon place. One must cut down the thicket, so-to-speak, to find the path that will give a full and complete life. Sadly, we often take the easy way out, right? No thicket clearing for me. I'm too busy making sure I'm happy with false positives. With temporary happiness. Right?

Life can be hard as we try to find the over-grown path. The forgotten way. Heads up...work is not a dirty word. Work is rewarding...in many a way.

And this, folks...is what came flooding into my heart this morning as I prepared breakfast, here...in Mary's World.

Grandmothering...Ode to Reagan Paige

There have been a few things I've learned in recent months that say, "You're good, but you're not what you once were." Some things have reached far back into the archives of parenting long forgotten and pushed to the forefront of remembrance. Today, as I sat at this very computer (with our now 5 month old grand child on lap), wrapping up a few important on-line bill paying, I learned a few lessons more. Or maybe I had just forgotten the moments of yesteryear. Yet, Reagan seems to be one-of-a-kind...like we all are.

Lesson #1:
If one focuses on anything other than the little person on their lap, they should be prepared for the quick of hand, foot, and/or head of the overlooked one. While printing out the confirmation of bills paid, I felt a yank from just behind my left ear. The little granddaughter warrior had latched onto a handful of my short tresses and was showing no mercy. Just as I was reaching up to help her release what she had laid claim to, her twin hand (fist) found my esophagus. As if the throat punch wasn't enough, that sweet little hand opened up, grabbed a hunk of flesh and I was concerned my throat had been ripped out of it's hiding place.

Lesson #2:
Once the warning has been issued to pay attention to the wee one, one should discontinue what they feel is important and place 100% of their focus on the tiny strong person. When Reagan decided it okay to release my hair, my ear found that even though it had been in virtually the same place for 69 plus years, it indeed could be moved to another location. At this point I am doubling over in laughter. Yeah, I know. I just didn't expect her to be so fast, and STRONG!

Lesson #3:
GUARD YOUR GLASSES! I had to take my expensive, brand new glasses off my face so as to wipe the tears that were streaming down the cheeks. As I looked into that angelic face, her eyes caught mine, and we just looked at each other for a moment or two. She looked really blurry because, 1. my glasses were off, and 2. tears were filling up my eye sockets. Yet, I could tell she was flashing that sweet, sweet, smile of hers that I love so much. "Tag! You're it, Grandma!"

Just as I thought, "Well, that ended okay," out of nowhere comes this little Speedy Gonzales right hand aimed right at those glasses that were dangling between the fingers of my left hand. Before I could blink, the tiny hand grabbed them. Working within the bounds of a carefully executed strategy, I was able to free them from her grasp with only a few finger smears on the lens. Whew, that one was close!

Lesson #4:
Just because you've won the battle, doesn't necessarily mean you've won the war. "Come here baby girl," I said, as I eased the cover of the laptop down. And with that, I picked her up from a sitting position to a standing, hugging, loving, position that ended with a head butt, that I'm fairly certain was meant to crush the only place on the face not attacked yet...the nose! Holy Moly, Simoly!

Yet, there are many times this small package from God makes me smile so very big, as my heart grows two sizes larger.

• The calm and unblinking look she gives, as if she is sizing you up as she places every feature you have in her memory banks, would warm the coldest of hearts. 
• The playful giggle she lets out when you pull her hand from her mouth, makes the world seem perfect.
• Using my arm as a wrapping pole for her legs when laying her down for a nap makes me have to hide my face from her gaze because of the uncontrollable laughing that comes from deep inside me. 
• When she catches the eye of someone she loves, even though she may be drinking from her bottle, everything stops for her as her sweet little mouth curls up at the edges and her eyes twinkle "I love you."
• The way she awakens from a nap causes the universe to stop and take notice. She may have been awake for awhile and just playing with Tommy Turtle, or Curly Centipede, or Barley Bear, when she decides it's time for someone to come talk with her. She calls out gently. Once, twice, and by the third time it has become a very loud, "HEY! Come get me!" Yet, upon entering the room, and as your gaze locks with hers, that beautiful smile has found it's way into the atmosphere and all is well with the world.
• When she reaches out for me to kiss her hand as her momma brings her into the house first thing every week-day morning, causes me to feel a bond has formed that she will remember long after I'm gone.
• The way she looks at her momma causes so many memories of when our girls were her age. Daddy's are so very important, as well, and I don't mean to diminish their part in a child's life, but there is no bond stronger than a mother and her child. Possibly because they are a vital part of each other. Moms are forever homes to a child. She is where they were nourished and found their beginnings. She will always be there for them. Their safe place. She is home. Always...

As the days, the weeks, the months, and the years, slip through my fingers, I hope God will allow me sufficient time to see this beautiful child grow into the young woman He has created her to be. I would love to get a glimpse of where He will lead her and hope that Dennis and I can be a safe place for her, as well.

Grateful for the privilege of watching over such a treasure, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.

My Journey Among the Unseen Continues

I've always believed myself to be an optimist. Believing the best of everyone. Believing there to be good in every situation. Always! Still do, actually. When others would say, "Wow, what a pessimistic attitude you have," I would get a little upset. Or, when faced with questions of, "Do you trust ANYbody?", something inside would place a wall of defense directly around my heart. "Why are you always so negative...believing the worst possible scenario?" That statement has always been the worst one for me to face. How does one correct years of pessimism? Years of not trusting others?

But now...now that God has brought me to the place of looking deeply inside myself...the unseen realm of my heart (maybe it's only me that is blind), I am looking myself in the eye, so-to-speak. The question I'm asking myself at this moment is this. Why has it taken so long?! Here I am, in the last season of my life, and I'm just now looking into the deep crevices of my heart? Does humanity believe the best about themselves, always? Or is it just me? Do we neglect, or downright refuse, to see ourselves as we really are?

Dennis has told me for years of my negative behavior, but our youngest confirmed my declaration of skepticism, early this morning. She just sweetly nodded a yes, when this recognition found words that took an exit out my mouth. I love God's gentle way of acknowledging the hard issues of one's heart by putting the most forgiving, and compassionate, individual(s) in front of us when he urges us to look deeper. Today, a recent confirmation (of a month's old supposition), caused my skeptic heart to leap into the "what ifs" and without using the filter of consideration, out leapt words that never should have been spoken. Oh me, oh my...

As I look back over many years of my life, I see, as it were, a panorama of times I've spoken things that never should have been acknowledged aloud. Circling mountain, after mountain, missing the upward way, steeping in all that life had put in front of me, embracing it as my defining self. It's hard to see when one walks in a mist. Easy to lose direction. Resentment has easy access to the heart, leaving in its wake the obvious. Sorrow for a life lived in what appeared to be consumed with darkness, I may have taken on that life, as the one I was handed many years ago.

It's not that I had been refused to visit the high places of God, it's just that once I came from the mountaintops, the decent back to memories of years gone by swarmed my intellect with vivd pictures. And every time, I would push them away to a safe place, to nestle snuggly inside...unseen, quieted, and hopefully boxed away.

It's been only a few short weeks (since June 19th), that God called me to acknowledge the unseen places of my heart. The true reality. {Side Note: Something that just now came to my mind, is my high school's Senior Motto: "To thine own self be true."} See what I mean! Little did I know this would speak to me, some 51 years after it's declaration; after many years of building the pessimistic side of me. The doubter, the distrusting attitude. Could I even be an accuser? Even if it were a silent accusation? The matters of the heart is what God is asking us to deal with. The unseen truth.

So now, now it's time to pull out the thorn(s). Past time, really. I'm actually excited to see where this road will take me. This journey amongst the unseen. It's never too late to examine the intent of one's heart...even if it is in the beginning of the last season of life as we know it.

Working on seeing through the mist...here, you'll find me...in Mary's World

Just Breathe

There are times the world seems to be closing in on us. Times when it's hard to feel the importance of

life. We see others around us and wonder what their life consists of; what their day-to-day routine might be. Are they happy? Are they loved? Is there a hole in their heart from losing someone they love? Is the reason they seem so sullen because they just lost their job or are they going through a divorce? Is their home life good? Or not so good? Are they walking through an injustice? A betrayal? How did they lose their smile? Have they just given up and really don't care they share the same air as others? Or do they feel as if no one really cares if they smile or not? Indeed...if they exist, or not. Why do they avoid eye contact? Do they fear someone might see them for who they are or who they've become? To me, they seem so lonely. Some days it's hard to just breathe.

Today, I went shopping. The area we now live in is full of retail outlets everywhere. Anything a person might want or need is just minutes away. Literally. I really love the fact that we can live in a neighborhood that feels very family oriented, yet brick and mortar stores of all kinds are, as my dad would have said, "just a stones throw away." I've decided this will come in very handy as the years fly by and it gets a little difficult driving long distances. And there are so many diversities of the human race making life all the more interesting...okay, confusing. But only at times.

Just like the people who seem to be walking this life alone, we too, seem to occasionally forget the place we have in Jesus. It is a place reserved just for us and no one else. We are so close to the Father's heart that if we but close our eyes and listen intently, we may hear his very breath. It is his breath that continually breathes life into our soul. We are so deeply loved. He is our eternal escort. Our faithful bridegroom. He will never let us go. There now...it's okay to look deeply into others eyes, even in the midst of your own pain.

It seems to me that we are often blind to the sometimes evasive reality of just how much we are loved. Always looking for validation from those we look up to, or from our piers. Much of the time we buy into the lie that our mates should be the source of our happiness, then fall into a depression when expectations fail us. Truth is, we should be putting our reliance in the One who designed us and draw from the deep wells of contentment that come from the knowledge of whose we are...not from the temporal pleasures that come from human relationships. True happiness, right there! Then, when disappointment comes in like a flood (and it will), we won't walk in defeat, with head hanging down and eyes continually on the floor. We'll then find that the temporal realities are not what define us. It's the unseen realities that speak life into our being and causes us to walk upon the many injustices that come with living as a part of humanity.

It's important to breathe. Just take a deep breathe and blow it out slowly. We must focus on truth as we navigate the oh-so-temporal, that often feels as if it will never end. There, in the unseen cavities of the heart, one must breathe deep as we listen for the Father's breath in us. Ah...doesn't that feel better?

Sure, our situation(s) may not change, but we change. We change because we now realize we can do this thing called life. This training ground for what we can't see at the moment. And our attitude about being adjusted makes all the difference in how well we'll be able to live with a smile on our face and a twinkle in our eyes.

A closing thought: Some will say you're only pretending that everything is alright when indeed, your world has just been turned upside down. There's even a song written about that, I believe. A horrible, revengeful, song. Which really only pushes the pain deeper into the heart. It really does matter who you listen to. Here's a good measuring stick, if you're interested.
     #1. Are you receiving godly advise, or advise that agrees with and feels angry at the pain handed  you?
     #2. Does the advise lift your head and give you hope? Or does it fuel the resentments of the heart, encouraging you to hate?

Let yourself rest in the Father's love. Just breathe...just breathe.

Walking Among the Unseen...here, you'll find me, in Mary's World.

File That Away, Will You?

There are days when it seems as if my head is filled with at least 10, if not more, huge filing cabinets. Each cabinet is packed solid with the happenings of my life. From the very important, to the slightly, or barely noticeable. But all needing some sort of attention.

It's not that my life is so full I can't manage it. On the contrary. I have more idle time now than I can ever remember in my lifetime (and therein may lie the problem). So what seems to be the issue, Mary? Ya got me! There are just days that I need to ramble on, jumping from one rabbit trail onto another, because that's just how it works...ya know? Something will grab my attention and my imagination takes over, knowing for sure that the words spoken to me really meant something so much bigger. So much more damaging than what was actually said. I suppose you could say I spend time "reading between the lines."

My world seems to have shrunk. Go figure...

It feels a bit confining, at times. Yet the world is so huge. Where did the knowledge of "I can fly" go to? What happened to the knowledge that "I can do anything I put my mind to?" Well, that last thing isn't completely gone...but it has shrunk considerably. And I hate that I'm revealing all this to any that take the time to read it. But, if I'm correct, I think most individuals experience this type of confinement at some point in their lives. Simply, if for no other reason, because God is desiring a get together with us. Maybe we've just not taken much of our time to consult...to visit, with Him.    

I have so very much to be grateful for. The most recent has entered our world by way of our first grand-child. What a treasure she is. She has put a smile on my face that makes it hurt. Simply because those smile muscles work over-time when she's around. So many blessings that come from having family...and yet my world seems so small. I don't think it's the result of moving away from a place where everybody knows my name (like the Cheers theme song states), where most were glad that I was there (I think *wink *wink), to a place where few know my name. Nor do I think it comes from attending a huge church where one can become lost in the sea of people that attend. To be clear, the masses don't affect my Dennis. He puts himself out there. He connects. I withdraw. When that started, I'm not sure. Well, maybe I do know...but that's for another blog entry.

Could it be that God is wanting to reveal a truth to me that I need to know? Or at least be reminded of? How might one see reality? How might one see beyond the visible and the audible? Not the reality we think is real. The reality that one gets a glimpse of only occasionally. The reality that causes scales to fall from eyes; that entices one to look deeply through the fog-like atmosphere of the heart. The unseen. The faint glimpses of something much bigger than the small realm lived in. The hidden things of the heart. THAT reality!

I think it's time to re-visit the allegory of Hinds Feet on High Places, and Walking Among the Unseen, where Much Afraid was given an invitation to the high places. Yes. That's it. I need to climb the heights of love, joy, and peace...once again. Inspiration for the here and now.

I will keep you posted on this journey I'm about to take...here, in Mary's World.