Nobody Is Coming For You, Mary

These words, spoken by a client/friend, settled ever so gently into my spirit. They were intended to calm, to validate, and to assure me. She and I were talking about my husbands upcoming trip to Missouri. The trip I never, ever, look forward to. He gets so excited about the trip, never concerned about what it might mean to me. He knows I'll be okay and just chooses not to worry about it. Too much to look forward to, I suppose. His family loves seeing him and they make sure any family member within a 100 mile area, knows Dennis is coming in for a visit. I'm happy he gets the opportunity. Time sweeps us off our feet much too quickly. It's just a time I must do battle. Alone.

Without going into too much information, I have struggled with safety issues most of my life. Fear of the unknown (and sometimes the known), admittedly, has held me much too tightly in its grip. The swiftness of my feet, and the strength of my legs, have helped me escaped more situations over my lifetime, than I care to admit. But now that I'm older; now that I'm in the "twilight years" of my life, I'm not so quick. Stealthy? Yes! Still very watchful. Not much escapes my sight. For that I am thankful. 

Since my retirement 7 months ago, I find myself understanding my friends words even more. There have been moments in my life where someone has spoken much harsher words; words that felt unjust, but have lingered inside me...for my good. Words that made me sit up and take notice. Much like, "Hey! You're not listening! Pay attention!" Those particular words weren't spoken. It's just how they made me feel in the moment. And I did take notice.

But now, these new words have taken on a slightly different meaning for me. I know my husband loves me. I know my kiddos (adult ones & little ones), love me as well. Yet, everyone has their own lives to live. And the old man that lives with me, (his old lady), gets glassy eyed within a few seconds of me sharing anything that doesn't immediately catch his questioning/might-be-interested mind. So, I tire of wanting to share. And I walk away. Alone. But not alone. He's here. I know that. That's comforting. Still, no one to talk with at any given time my brain comes alive with "news." 

No one is coming for me. And I have a LOT of pent up words needing an avenue to be released upon. Most likely why there is a deficit of bodies with listening ears available to listen...

Anyway...I've said it more than once. One's happiness cannot depend on others. One must create their own happiness. Not to be confused with joy. Joy remains, regardless of what "mood" one may find themselves to be in. Joy remains in spite of circumstantial evidence. Sadness and lonely feelings come around to lock us down. They show themselves when one doesn't take the time to cherish life. To count their blessings. To acknowledge the grace they live in. To enjoy the moments of solitude they've been given. The moments of quietness. And I get that...

Synopsis: I think I just need 15-30 minutes of communication daily...or weekly. We could negotiate that. This could be a New Year's goal. 😁

As always, here you will find me (watching the steam come from my tea pot)...in Mary's World.