Me and My Shadow and My Foot

It's been a month, or so, since I've been able go for a morning walk. I miss it. The weather is really nice today, so I may go, regardless. Then when I get home I will need to get my leg up because I'm fairly certain there will be a price to pay for the excursion I'm about to embark on and desperately need.

That paragraph you just read, was typed out, then left to idle on the page while I went for a walkabout. I knew I wouldn't be able to go the distance, but maybe at least get out into the sunshine and allow the wind to blow over my face, easing my anxious thoughts, encouraging me that better days would be ahead if I just tried.

The walk lasted all of 15 minutes. Fifteen very slow minutes, with the last 10 being a bit more painful than I cared for. I feel like I have lost my momentum, but I will get it back eventually. Just as soon as I find out what in the world has happened to my foot. I can still work at the business, if I don't move around too much, since most of my services behind the chair are done in one position anyway, so I'm able to deal with the occasional bolt of pain that shoots up through the top of my foot and spreads out over the top as it reaches for the ankle, trying so very hard to stop me in my tracks. It will have to do better than that to stop this old gal.

Maybe I should check in with a doctor...

Also wondering when my shadow became bigger than me, here you will find me...in Mary's World

The Voice of the Unheard

In English we say: My voice is meant to be heard.

In Poetry we say: From the early morning rays of sun that cast shadows over the bare branches of winters icy blast, sparkling upon the newly fallen snow of last evenings unfiltered storm, comes a deep quietness. If one listens intently, you can hear the many voices calling out from somewhere deep inside themselves, yearning for a listening ear that embraces the voice that speaks, yet is not heard.

Looking for my voice, I have become mesmerized by a young lady who not only writes but also reads poetry on TicToc, which I'm not a part of (but ran across on FB). She inspires me to reach further inside my mental abilities just to see if I might cause one to scratch their head and wonder what in the world I'm saying. Fun, right? It won't always be this way. Just from time to time, when the mood strikes. I ran this first try at poetry by DW. He just smiled and said, "Lots of words." 😁 Exactly what I expected him to say. He's not wrong...

It's been soooo many years ago, but I can still hear my dad telling us that "Children are meant to be seen and not heard." Sometimes, I think we have swung too far the other way, and now adults aren't allowed to speak, while the kiddos make their demands. Why can't we just find that happy balance where all are respected and never interrupted while speaking? Why can't we all have a voice that is heard? I think about those that have been in my realm of living, that I now know; now understand, all that was needed was for them to have a voice. To be heard. These are the times I would go back to (if indeed I could), and listen a bit more intentionally. I would not only listen with my ears, but with my heart. Seeing beyond the why of needing to be heard. I have failed so many times in this arena, unwittingly inflicting pain. I wish I could have a re-do. Knowing what I know now...

We all have a path to walk, stretching for the perfect while never being able to fully reach it. But we can try. We can be kinder, gentler, more involved with the needs of someone other than ourselves. And when we fail, because we will, we will get up, dust ourselves off and try again. Always learning from the mistakes we've made along the way. Keeping them at the forefront of remembrance. I think the problem exists in the refusal to lay our own lives down for the sake of another. For the most part, I do believe we are a self-centered creature, with eyes always looking inward while rarely looking out for the needs of others. Is this the reason God asked us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves? And what about our loved ones? We say we love them more than we love ourselves. But, do we? If we truly loved, wouldn't we want them to know they have a voice. That we are listening? That we care about their needs, even though those needs may sound a bit childish? Rambling thoughts...

Of late, I have been in need of inspiration. The feeling of life has occasionally been so narrow, so minimal. As if I were living in a small black box. My walks have ceased...again, but think I'll try a short walk-about today, just to see if I can make it. The last few days (maybe it's been a week), have found me almost immobile, so I'm getting way too much TV time because I have no new books to read. I've done something to my right foot without knowing just when it happened and it's giving me a hard time walking without a limp and a ton of pain. Mostly along the length of the outer side of the foot, but will also shoot up my leg as it blasts over the top of the foot, as if a bolt of lightening just struck it. But, I gotta get back to work tomorrow. I may have to dig out D's cane that Styn made for him a few years ago. Geez, I miss that guy!

Okay. That's it for today!

Still learning to be quiet, listening more (without totally withdrawing), here you will find me...in Mary's World.

 

Today's Ponderings

While I don't believe that most "New Year's Resolutions" actually have longevity, I do believe in setting goals. Kind of the same, but with less intimidation, I think. Mine came only this early morning. At 4:36 to be precise. Up. since 2:22, working on finances and book work for the salon, all the while working in my day planner, it struck me as to what my physical body/mental acuity needed. Simply put, what my focus should be on, this year.

My journal entry?
1) Encourage myself DAILY!
2) Walk
3) Exercise
4) Meal prep weekly

Sounds pretty simple, right? In the spirit of transparency, I have struggled with several things recently.

1) What are the plans for Elements Salon this year?
2) What is causing this lackadaisical outlook for my health?
3) Where do we go from here, now that D has retired?
4) Why this attitude of indifference, lately?
5) What is happening with this once very strong body of mine?

The one thing I have always depended on, is the saving grace of God. The ever watchful eye of God. The unconditional love of God. The encouragement of God, even when I was proud of myself and believed it was just because of my own efforts that success found me. It was He who saved me from myself many years ago. Took a bit to get my attention, but He has his ways. Which are much more direct (yet subtle) than my own. It's almost as if humanity has blinders on, rarely seeing the reality of living this life. Just putting one foot in front of the other, hoping the next step lands on solid ground.

If I have learned anything, in my 77.5 years on this planet, it is because of Christ that I live and breathe and have my being. It is by his hand that I move, think, and implement all that I do. Yes. I do get to make my own decisions as to what I do, where I go, who I touch (or don't touch). But...when I listen, when I allow myself space to ask of Him the direction I should go, it is then my attitude of indifference fades. It is then that vision begins unfolding right in front of me. It is then that my eyes begin to see beyond myself. He is indeed, the God of hope.

Truth is, we must search, before we can find. We must ask, before we can receive. Until those moments envelope us, we walk by sight, not by faith.

Asking, and searching, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

The Power of the Tongue

I've been a bit on the angry and demanding side of a conversation, from time to time. It seems to come naturally for me, if not controlled. I could give you more than a few reasons as to why that has been a thing with me, and pretty close to when it all started. But I won't. Nor will I will ever forget the day our oldest, when only 4 years old, gently said to me, "Momma, it's deep within you." If anyone could pull a root of bitterness out, it would be this child.

We all have our reasons. Our excuses, as to why we are whatever way we are. But that's all they are. Excuses. We will try to make ourselves feel better about the fire that won't shut down inside us, by throwing the ball back to the accuser, and letting them know about their own less than acceptable mannerisms. Thus excusing ours. At least that's what we believe. 

The wedge that grows between two people, that should never have been allowed to develop in the first place, is pounded deeper inside the one trying to reason with the other, as to how their words are making them feel so very much unloved; has now separated them further than ever.

"Retreat!" is throbbing inside the wounded heart once again, as it has done so many times over the years. Because that's all its ever known. Because retreating gives a bit of relief...and space to become even more angry. More bitter. And you've tired (over and over again) to reveal what is happening inside your heart, but there has been no place of acceptance, thus far. On rare occasions, maybe. But it never lasts.

We've all heard the saying that "what goes around, comes around," right? And, "You get what you give." Is that what's happening here? Are unhealed wounds to blame?  How much of left over residue from past experiences are to blame? How much is unforgiveness of repeated injustices, to blame? How long is one expected to lick their wounds. Gross, right? RIGHT! Just typing those words made me gag!

I've often said, "One can convince another to jump off a bridge, if the tone of their voice is gentle." To me, the tone of our voice tells all. It says if the heart is pure, or deceitful. If it is good, or evil. If it selfless, or selfish. Words are just words that have little to no meaning, until they come from the intent of the deliverer. And we all know. We know the intent of the words by the sound they make when exiting the heart through the mouth. However, they can be misread. Often wounding unnecessarily. Often shredding open the scars of past experiences. Rarely holding close the heart, protecting at all cost. That come from a range of insecurities that reside inside the hearer, and sometimes within the deliverer of those words.

• "The tongue is a fire that can corrupt the whole body and set one's life on fire." ~James 3:5-6
• "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." ~Proverbs 18:21
• "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." ~Luke 6:45
• "Be not rash with your mouth." ~Ecclesiastes 5:2
• "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise when he closes his lips." ~Proverbs 17:28
• "The tongue is unstable, evil, and full of poison." ~James 3:8-10

Ironically, this tongue of ours also holds the power of peace, love, protection. And it all comes from deep within. But, a time of eruption, whether gentleness, or harshness, the tongue will reveal the heart. For "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." ~Luke 6:45 

When harsh words find their release, my first instinct is to run. To hide. Yet, here you will always find me...in Mary's World.

When the Unexpected Happens...Light in the Darkness

You've laid out the plans. Plans with a strong vision of what your future can be if all goes as planned, and it does seem likely. You've done the math. The future looks bright; brighter than you ever expected it would. And then the unlikely, the unexpected, happens...

We've all been there. And if from some stroke of luck, or destiny, we haven't, sit tight. We will be. These times are the training grounds of life, and one never gets too old, too wealthy, too healthy, that one gets to avoid them. There's no circling the wagons. No air lifts. No rescues. One must travel the road until they get to the end of it, usually by way of the dark tunnel. Not always, however. I think it depends largely on our attitude. And our gratitude.

We were created for greatness. Not that we are "all that and a bag of chips," but that HE is all that, and a bag of chips. I hope I don't lose you by mentioning the great I AM. Truly, it is by his design we were created with creativity in our bones. Made in his likeness (all living things we see were because of his spoken words), we, also, are creative. When he breathed life into Adams lungs, all humanity was destined for greatness...if they so chose it. If we allow the spirit that gives us life, to lead us, even though we must walk an unexpected, possibly unwanted, path of learning to do without, we will also learn to be satisfied/content, regardless of our circumstances. Hopefully. That is the lesson we should learn.  

We are a blessed nation. Maybe even a spoiled nation. I do get it, however. Who doesn't want the best life has to offer? Or even the comfort that having "enough" offers? My hand is definitely raised! I don't need, or even want, multi-million dollar homes and all that money can buy. Just give me the comforts of life. Enough to keep the HVAC running, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and a nice roof over my head. Health for my loved ones and something for my hands to do, and I'm all set. 

When I see what is happening to the landscape in California, with fires that can't be contained, with so much loss, my heart grieves for the residence of that state. For those who have lost all their worldly possessions; some without an ounce of insurance for a promise of rebuilding when this all consuming fire has left. Gratitude won't come easily for them. Maybe for some, but for most? I don't know. I do think most will be grateful for having their lives spared. But now what? It will most likely be a hard road ahead for many of them. The wealthy may even have to deal with loss that can't be replaced and the things they have become so accustomed to. But, for those with less monetary means, the road ahead must look pretty bleak as they face the many "mountains" they must cut through or climb over, all the while dealing with old wounds, as new ones are inflicted upon them. Gratitude may come hard.

I pray for them. For their eyes to remain open, their minds understanding the creativity within, and the fortitude to move forward, even if there may be temporary failures. "We are pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 

For those of us facing the unexpected (not necessarily as destructive as fire), my voice adds to yours, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10 

One last thing: God told us that in this world we would have troubles. But that we should not worry because he overcame the world. So could we. His spirit within us...remember?

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

 

 

The Voice of Winter

Tis true. Life continues. Bustling cities still bustle. Not a lot changes in the work place, but in the lives of all humanity, a return to simplicity begins as winters chill invades. Life becomes quieter as folks hibernate during the evening hours, welcoming the warmth of a crackling fireplace and cozy blankets while anticipating the relaxing feel of hot cocoa coursing its way across their sensory buds and into their bodies. Homemade soups, cornbread, and freshly baked cookies give a sense of well being as nourishment is supplied our tired bodies.

To me, Winter is a much needed reprieve from all the hustle and bustle of Spring, Summer, and even bits of Fall. Once September hits, I start breathing just a bit easier. By October, my mind starts preparing for the softness that cooler temps will bring, all the while, watching leaves on the trees begin their display of beauty, knowing it will be all too soon they must release their grip on what has given them life. If one watches closely, a tree will define humanity. There are seasons to life. Each season has a purpose, although very different.

November brings us remembrance to be thankful. Grateful, for all the preparation time we've had, hoping we've prepared enough. Enough to carry us through the peaceful season of reflection and the biggest change of all. Hoping we have left enough behind, so our family tree will be remembered long after winter has left its cloak of beauty upon the now barren limbs. 

It is the quietness of winter that I cherish the most. It is in the quiet places where my soul finds its peace. It's in the alone times of reading a good book, sipping on coffee, maybe having a favorite biscotti to nibble on, that I gain strength. Mental strength, which produces physical strength, if given opportunity. 

I do find purpose in every season, and would be sad without the variation, but the voice of winter always calls to me.

Waiting for the snow to arrive, here you will find me...in Mary's World.