I Feel Lost Without Her

I woke early this morning. That's not unusual, these days. Upon deciding I should at least try for more rest, I headed back to bed as thoughts began playing tag in my head. Review of the last few days began a panorama of floating thoughts and words spoken that I wish I could retrieve and choose differently. It's been said (more than a few times), not to dwell on the past unless you want today to lose its gift to you. Or something like that...

As tears fill my eyes, I begin to revisit the last time Gramps and I picked our girl up from school, and how that went. It was this past Monday and she wasn't in the best of moods. Something had happened that day while playing with a couple of friends. She wasn't ready to talk about it, so we didn't. Still, I wanted to help her out of the funk it had put her in, and suggested stopping for fries and a sweet tea at McDonalds, on our way home. She turned it down. First sign this was serious.

After a few minutes, I tried engaging once again, hoping to lighten the mood. Mistake number 1. One would think having this amazing creature in our lives for more years than we deserve, one would know when to just sit quietly and let her work through the emotions wrecking her sweet spirit. But...well...anyone who knows me, knows my mouth frequently forgets to listen to the brain that supplies it with wisdom. Mistake number 2.

We pulled into the parking area of where I have a small business that invites one to come in and relax, breathe easy, and enjoy some down time. It had been awhile since she visited the salon and her momma was wanting her to have a treatment on those beautiful curls that swing and bounce as she walks. I think we were both looking forward to it. But, as fate would have it, it was time for a challenge. A bump in the road. A small hill to climb over. A storm cloud hover. Second sign this was serious. And, until that was successfully solved, nothing would/could, make her happy. Except possibly her momma (I still wish for my momma, at times). This just wasn't a day for relaxing. Yet...

We decided, and she agreed, we should just head for the hills of Apex, and re-schedule salon time. I couldn't understand why her favorite person in the world, aka/me, didn't have the power to put a smile on that beautiful little face. Don't believe that last sentence. Her momma is the most favorite person in her world. I just like to daydream and pretend on occasion, and I was doing just that last Monday. Mistake number 3.

On the way home, some things were spoken that should never have been, and now the price is being paid for those misspoken, released words. They were words that might cause her to feel as though I didn't love her. That I just didn't understand. She said I didn't. And I truly didn't. Words that couldn't be erased were offered up in quiet frustration. The biggest mistake of all! And now, my heart is sick. 

I do know that love covers a multitude of sin. I hope, as young as she is, she will remember all the fun times we've had together, as she lays her head upon her pillow at night. All the laughs, the hugs, the solving of the world's problems we've shared. The backyard, fun-filled days, that I will never forget. I hope she remembers that it is she who puts the lift in my steps, the light in my eyes. Not many has the power over me that she does. A few, but not many. Maybe I hold her to too high a standard. 

So here I wait, for the next hug allowed...in Mary's World.

P.S. She made us this cute little owl (her favorite creature, at the moment), for Grandparents Day at her school. Made from her own imagination...