Becoming Conditioned to What We've Become

It was around the age of 7, or 8, that I remember thinking I must be an obedient child, just to please my dad and not be an embarrassment to the family. As with many little ones, the brain processes discipline a bit differently than the adult brain does. I thought it was the only way to make him proud of who I was. And so, I began the process of becoming someone I was never created to be. A people pleaser. I'm sure he had some of the same experiences as a child. Most do. Humanity does.

Throughout my lifetime I have worn many masks. Some would have said I had multiple personalities, had they stuck close enough to witness my people pleasing attributes. It all came from an underlying fear that had been felt early in life and continued until around the age of 22, when I finally began to face it for what it was. It's identity came from a fear of punishment if I didn't conform. Please don't misunderstand. I had parents who loved me and wanted the best for me. But I've often wondered if my dad (the one given the heart-wrenching responsibility of disciplining his children), acted more out of what others would think of the preachers kids had they been allowed to be anything other than "seen, but not heard". 

We (my siblings) all learned early on not to speak unless spoken to. Especially when adults were around. In retrospect, that may have actually been a good thing. And for the most part, I do believe we showed the respect required of us. We MAY have messed up a time or two, 🥴😉 for which I'm sure we would have paid dearly. At least discipline was consistent in those days. No warnings. Just actions, because we "knew better." Today, the pendulum has swung so far away from center, we now find ourselves living mostly in a "me first" world. Almost as if we are the only ones who truly matter.

You've heard the old saying that still waters run deep, right? Those who are slow to speak are the ones that intrigue me the most. I wonder what they're thinking. And if a smile (NOT a smirk) were to etch itself across their face, my curiosity peaks! Those are the ones that don't demand they be heard, but I'm pretty sure they still have fight in them, should they need it, and enough wisdom to lead a world, should they choose.

The years flew past, and I was told early on in my adult life that I had a need to be seen. Yet, the need to be seen wasn't nearly as strong as the need to be heard was. That statement hurt my innermost being, and is most likely why I still remember it being said and when it was said. WHY it was said is still a mystery. It was an observation of theirs, I suppose. As a woman freed from her marital abuser at the age of 22, it took another 10 (or so) years for me to feel my opinions were worthy of hearing. So, with shoulders back, and head held high, my journey took a much needed turn around the age of 35. I was about to prove the meaning of my linage's last name. Yep...I had become pretty vocal. Maybe that is the why.

It's so easy to become conditioned to what we've become over the years, that we no longer consider we may be living a lie. We may have forgotten our real identity and just conformed to a reality that is temporal, at best. 

I want to end this small entry by sharing a quote from The Road Back to You, written by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. Ian quoted Thomas Merton, a great Christian thinker referencing our spiritual birthright journey. He said, "Before we can become who we really are, we must become conscious of the fact that the person who we think we are, here and now, is at best an impostor and a stranger." 

Diving deep, here you will find me...in Mary's World.