That Age Thingy

Amazingly enough, I have found myself to be at the age of having to look life (and the end of it) squarely in the eye. As far as I know, I'm a healthy individual, not having to rely on any type of medication or life sustaining paraphernalia. I even resist the occasional ibuprofen for the headaches that come with seasonal allergies...which I didn't have until about 5 years ago. I suppose the immune system I was born with is getting a bit tired, and lets some things slip by it unnoticed. However, I feel strong, not having to deal with such things as arthritis, heart issues, blood pressure issues, or other substantially debilitating problems.

Yesterday was a real eye opener, however, as I found myself becoming emotional as Lindsey and I sat in a wealth builder's office. I think I was able to hide it pretty well, but none-the-less, it was most likely one of the hardest days I've lived (thus far) since moving to N.C. My husband and I had promised our children that we would seek out long-term care insurance, since we were "getting to that age." Heads up, y'all...it's not one that's easy to look at. Have you ever seen the cost of this type of insurance? Geez...now I know why many have to depend on the government for help as they get closer to "that age." I've seen many standing at the pharmaceutical counter, having to give what little money they had, to purchase medication for what ailed them. I've heard horror stories of how they didn't have enough to buy food because of the price of their meds. And forget the cost of heat during the cold winter months, or air conditioning during the heat of summertime. Then as their health failed completely, they had to be put in a government ran facility, with less than desired care.

The hard thing about this type of insurance is that one never knows if they will actually need it, but it could mean the difference of the quality of life one experiences when the time comes should they need help. And we wouldn't have to stress our girls out with what to do with Mom and/or Dad. It's still pretty confusing to me. I'm wondering how we'll make this decision with the price tag being so large. But it is something we will need to decide very soon.

The really good news is that we serve a faithful God. Should the decision be to bring peace of mind to all concerned, we'll find the money. He gives wisdom to those that ask. So, maybe this bridge we're looking at crossing over, isn't so rickety after all.

No matter what the decision is, here you'll find me...in Mary's World, maintaining all that has been given me to manage...until "that age" comes.

How Did She Do It?

I went to Oklahoma to see the new year in. Not liking flying so much, I definitely like it less now. I think the air bus was filled with those needing to be under a doctor's care. And of course, there was that one whose seat was next to mine, that must not have been taught manners when sneezing or coughing. It was a quiet ride, except for the explosive germs being spewed throughout the cabin. 

My immune system gave way to a low grade fever, chills, tremendous headache, eyes & teeth pain, etc., etc. My new mommy (aka eldest daughter, Lindsey), insisted I stay in and rest. I did go to work the first day back, thinking I really wasn't going to get sick. My voice sounded like it was out of a horror movie, but other than that, I was good to go. Felt just fine. It was the NEXT day that things got a little intense. Yada, yada...

The real purpose for this blog is due to waking at 3 a.m. this morning, aching all over from being in bed for 2 full days and nights. Anyone who knows me, knows its one of the hardest things for me...to be still for more than 2 hours in one place...with the exception of bedtime where I need a full 8 hours of sleep.

As I lay there, wishing there was something...anything...I could do other than lay around, my sister Becky once again invaded my thoughts. Thinking of how my own body was miserable, I wondered, "HOW DID SHE DO IT"?!!! She had no choice in the matter. PSP doesn't give a person that choice. It holds you captive, like it or not. With no ability to voice her pain, or her needs, she was at the mercy of whomever would offer help, without knowing what that help should look like. She had the best care giver anyone could hope for. I will never forget the mercy...the grace...with which her husband, so willingly gave of himself to make her as comfortable and content as possible. He gave up his own needs and desires to care for hers...the best way he knew how. I don't know how he did it either. But I am forever grateful he was there for her.

I wish I would have done more. Been more sensitive to her needs. It was new territory for us all. We had never heard of PSP...in fact, it took many specialists to diagnose the problems she was having, and then a neurosurgeon, delivered the most horrible diagnoses of all...Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. PSP is a neurodegenerative brain disease that has no known cause, treatment or cure. It affects nerve cells that control walking, balance, mobility, vision, speech, and swallowing. For Becky, it started in her feet, and gradually moved up her body until the only control she had was blinking her eyes. She began stumbling, not able to pick her feet up, yet stubborn enough to try. Then falling, busting her head open. Denny had to stay close, 24/7 for several years, as the disease continued to consume her. She pushed herself, until there was nothing to push. She told me one time, "I tell my feet to move, but they won't." Her writing became very small and illegible. She would sit for hours playing Solitaire on the computer (her hand wouldn't respond to her instruction), after being "danced" from room to room. Denny let her do as much as she could, for as long as she could. By this time, she couldn't walk on her own, so he put his arms around her, lifted her from the chair, swayed back and forth, until they reached their destination. I've heard that your strength grows in time of need. And this was certainly a time of need for him...and her!

I'm not so sure she could see out of her eyes toward the end...they looked very clouded, and upon a visit from one of her loved nieces, she said, "Is that you, Erin?" She always called Lindsey by her middle name...how that started, I'm not sure, I just know they had a strong connection. One of the harder things to swallow was the fact she never lost her awareness of things happening around her. She just didn't have any control over her environment. As the months turned into years, she lost complete control. No longer able to speak, move, swallow.

This is what I was thinking about in the early morning hours of January 6th., 2013. I was miserable until Becky intruded upon my aches and pains. I needed to move from a sitting position (propped up so I could breathe), to a more lateral one because my skin hurt from being in one position for so long. She couldn't move. How could Denny know when she needed moved? My teeth hurt, my head hurt. Did hers? Who could know??? My mouth was so dry, I badly needed a drink of water. Did she ever get that thirsty? How could she swallow it anyway? Did she ever wish she could reposition herself? I know Den turned her frequently, but those in-between times...she must have had needs none of us knew about. How did she do it? Did she ever have an ear ache? Did she need to scratch her head, or have an itch that wouldn't go away? I have a particular spot on my back that needs scratching from time to time. I can't reach it, so I have my husband scratch until there's that "ahhhh" relief. Did she have spots that needed scratched? Who could know? Did she ever just want her faced washed? Den had a regimen with her personal needs. He saw to it that she was clean and dressed. I can't begin to imagine all he must have given to her. But, what about those times in between, that she might have needed a cool washcloth on her face, or warm one, that was out of the routine? Who could know? Were her shoes too tight? Her undergarments twisted? Was she uncomfortable? Did her back hurt from sitting in a certain position? And her neck...as the PSP progressed, it was impossible to keep her head in the normal position. It would fall back, the neck would stiffen. Did it hurt?

When I was there, styling her hair and applying her makeup for the day, I would try to talk about things I knew she would be interested in knowing. Things like how the girls were doing. How the shop was doing...yet I often wondered if she wanted to talk about her needs, but couldn't. Even researching the disease and becoming somewhat involved with the online support group, I still felt ill equiped and not much help. She seemed so at peace with the situation. When she could talk, the last few things I heard her say (repeatedly) was, "I have this jump up and down joy inside of me." I'm pretty sure she wasn't experiencing anything in the natural realm that caused that. For me, there is only one explanation. God's grace extended to her. She had reached a place where she knew the Father, like few of us do. I'm not so sure I'm there yet. I trust Him totally for the outcome of what I offer up to Him. I have a peace inside, that can't be explained, even though I may ask stupid questions and get anxious for change. Still I'm at peace. But Becky...well, I think she went beyond that. Jump up and down joy? The body that was transforming right before our eyes didn't seem to matter much to her. A once vivacious, get it done, or get out of the way kind of gal...she now was the most laid back, whatever comes my way, type of individual. I thank God for this kindness extended to her.

So...once again, I'm brought back to the importance of life. Not just the physical life we are experiencing her on planet Earth. But more importantly, the spiritual life that only God can give. The One who places deep within us, that "jump up and down joy", when we need it the most.

Forgive me for grumbling, Lord. Thank you for Becky...

Until He brings me home, here you'll find me...in Mary's World.

The Journey

I suppose it's time for an update from this road I seem to be on. Posting another blog entry has been in the back of my conscience thinking for some time now. I'm guessing the Lord is reminding me to journal the experiences He's taking me through...because, after reviewing the most recent entries of Marys World, I've become encouraged once again! Maybe that is why God told Habakkuk to, "Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets, that the one who reads it may run." ~Hab. 2:2

Today, that might look something like this: "I'm going to show you what you need to do to accomplish what it is I've put in front of you. Now, listen up! I want you to get to your iPad, iPhone, iNet, iGoogle, iTweet, iBlog, iMac, iPC...whatever...and place a recorded, for all humanity to see, (including you) of what I'm about to reveal, so that whoever reads it will be able to put one foot in front of the other and run! No pouting now...no 'this isn't going to work', no 'where did you go, God.'" I do believe He knew we would forget even important milestones...and that we would need reminded. And once we are reminded, we can finish the race...finish strong! And so it is, with blogging, archiving, even the written journals (that only you can see).

Our youngest daughter, Meghan, puts many to shame in the endurance category. She has taken up running, for strength, mental awareness, and health. Ten mile runs seem to excite her. It's beyond my comprehension. I went for a one mile walk with her, Todd and Lindsey, a few weeks ago. They thought they may have to carry me back. I'm not for sure why. Possibly it was because of the heavy breathing, coughing and hacking, moaning, and slow pace, that alerted them to this possibility. However, I did make it on my own, surprisingly...to them. They would ask if I was okay...no response. I had to save my breath to give strength to the leg that would make the next step. Anyway....

So, we're still waiting. Building the business is slow. We knew it would be. No surprises there. The problem is, my natural awareness really slaps me in the face each Thursday as another $210 is automatically taken out of my checking account to pay for the lease I signed. The profit made from the sale of South Side Salon, is slowly but surely being devoured. I keep telling God this...but He seems to not be affected by it. And now (yes, that means right this minute) He's telling me, "Profit I provided for you, by working out the timing of the sale." I know...I know! I really can trust His provision. I just need reminded from time to time. I must remember that not everything my natural eyes see, will be the end reality. Everything is subject to change. So...I'm ready God. Change it!!!
I need to exercise more. Meg tells me it clears the cobwebs out of the brain.

On a more content level...I really love the church home we found. So does Dennis. And even though he can't be with me just yet, we both know that at some point our house in Oklahoma will sell, and we can begin this leg of our journey, actually holding hands. We are walking this out together...1200 miles apart. Talk about a long-distance relationship! But God has joined us, so no matter how many miles separate us, we're still in this together.

I am very grateful for the technology of this world. God knew as the world spun faster and faster, we would need a form of communication different than when it first began, and so the inspiration, the knowledge and understanding was communicated to mankind of how to make that happen. There are so many facets of God's love that we take for granted.

One last thing...I should be discouraged. I'm not. Do I wish this situation would change? Absolutely! Yet, I'm confident everything will work out. How, I don't know. I really don't have that insight, just yet. My experiences with God have proven His faithfulness in all things that surround my life. Even when I've made the wrong choice. Not that I have... there would be no peace, if it was wrong.

So.....
As long as there is time left, and God permits...you will find me here...in Mary's World!

Anxious Thoughts

 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6-7

One of the many comforts I have in life, is the comfort of knowing who really is in control of my life. Knowing I have a safe place to run when the circumstances (or events) that surround living, just refuse to listen to me. It always seems as though God waits until the midnight hour...or the last minute of the day...to set things in motion. His timing is perfect, I know. So why didn't He place a microchip in our brain to automatically reset our understanding, when the fleshy one gets out of control with anxious thoughts?


Good question, Mary...


Could it all go back to His love of mankind, His very own creation? Love becomes a perfect thing when it is set free. Free to do it's will, free to make it's own choices. Isn't it ironic how God, who controls the Universe by holding the stars in place, the earth rotating on it's axis...who commands the grass to grow, and the trees to bear fruit...who connects the fibers of our humanness together in our mother's womb...isn't it ironic, how He allows us to navigate life without His control? Even though we are made in the likeness of God, we are not like Him. Unless we choose to be.


Okay...don't throw stones at me just yet.


I don't believe there is one perfect person, other than Jesus Christ, who became flesh to show us how to live and to secure us a place with Him for all eternity...forever and ever and ever and ever. Well, you get the point. I DO believe we can reflect His goodness...His mercy...His grace, through our actions. Not easy, my friends. But then again, anything that is worth anything, is never easy. It just doesn't have much value if it's an easy thing to obtain. Again...God's wisdom as work in us, always teaching through our mistakes.


Let me step back just a bit in this story. It has been six to seven years ago, that God pried my fingers open (in a sense) and assured me He could handle the things I was allowing to destroy me. Life has been much more peaceful since that day. He spoke something (out of the blue) that I will never forget. He reminded me of a time in my life when I was looking for others to make me happy and how He intervened for me. It's always easier to look back and see God's hand in the circumstances of life, than it is to see them immediately at work. However...having said that...it seems as I get older, even this becomes more and more evident. It has become quite clear that it is by God's design, our lives (my family's) have rounded a corner, so to speak. I never dreamed that the last season of my life would mean a transplant. I haven't moved in 37 years! The roots go down pretty deep after that long being in one place. It's amazing what love can do.


I don't know all that God has in store for me and Dennis...for Lindsey & Todd...for Meg and Adam. But what I do know, is that His great love for us all will make it something beautiful! So, even though our house hasn't sold yet...and even though the new salon in North Carolina is going to be ready on schedule (and we aren't there yet)...and even though Todd & Lindsey, Adam & Meg, are also in a life transition...my trust, my hope, continues to be in Him and His grace, His favor, His mercy, His timing.


Waiting patiently...ahem...waiting, here in Mary's World...you will find me.

Time for Downsizing...

It seems the time has come. It sort of came upon us quietly, so as not to alarm us, I suppose. We've always been a couple with the mindset of bigger and more, is better. One of life's lessons has taught us that is not always true. There are definitely defining moments in our lives. We've hit one...again.

My husband of 37 plus years, and I, are seeing the importance of squeezing into smaller spaces, meaning smaller (maybe less) furniture and less stuff. The word itself means to produce smaller models or styles of. I'm just a tad claustrophobic, so I have the challenge before me to create spaces of calming ambiance. That's one area I believe myself to be good...if not great, at. I can do it!

The funny thing about this is that it feels REALLY GOOD! At first we were a little shaky about the whole concept of uprooting from what we've always called "home". Starting over at the ripe old ages of 60 and 65, was a little daunting...to say the least. But we had that proverbial carrot dangling in front of us. And never a doubting word came into our hearing world. There was only one person, out of the many, I could see doubt in the eyes of. But she had something to feel loss from. It took her a while to wrap her heart around. But even she has gotten on board with the vision God has put in front of us. With so much encouragement, how could we fail? God has set the path in front of us. There will be challenges...maybe a few real obstacles, to overcome. But there has been placed much peace in our hearts concerning this move.

In the beginning, I tried to feel sorrow. It just wasn't there. I asked myself why I wasn't sad about leaving behind a business that had become more than the services it provided. It was a platform of God's love...to not only the people sent there, but to me also. Yet, I have never felt sorrow that it was time to leave. Our home, church, and work, have met the needs of the time spent in Oklahoma. Memories will be with us forever. Great memories. Some sad, some heart wrenching, some joyous, some over-the-top exciting. Some "what in the world was I thinking", some "we really did good". The years have flown by, seasons have changed, and now it seems to be time to "finish strong".

Please don't misunderstand that last statement. None of us know exactly what time has been allotted us and I don't speak with fear or anticipation of the end of my days. I understand that the beginning of things must also have an end of those same things. Everything...everybody. I'm just enjoying the journey! The "Winter" of my life will most likely be the best season of all. God says it's the time He cloaks us in His glory. So, if He says, "downsize", it's time to downsize! I trust in His provision.

It seems to me that God has saved the best for last. Isn't that just like Him? Oh my goodness...I am actually beginning to cry. Not from sorrow...from simple amazement of the things God has in store for those that love His appearing. Even in this life...especially in this life! I am soooo looking forward to the next leg of this wonderful journey! To be able to wrap my arms around my girls and Todd and my next son-in-law...and to feel their arms around me. To hold my future grandchildren in my arms. To watch the light in my husbands eyes spark once again. To be met with challenges and watch as God brings the solutions.

One last thought...

It has simply amazed me, to find all the STUFF we've collected over the years...quietly gathering dust. The lesson I hope I've learned is when we are finished with whatever it is we no longer have need of, let it be a blessing to someone else that doesn't have what they need. And carefully consider a purchase before laying the cash out for it. Maybe my grand babies or their parents could use a little of that unconscious spending.

Here's to seeing you again, if not in person, at least here...in Mary's World.

I Had Forgotten

Sometimes we forget from whence we came.

Recently, I sold the building that housed my business, causing me to take the building back to it's original state of being. Well...almost. I didn't take the flooring up, nor did I de-paint it, or take the columns down...or knock the walls down from the new room I had added. I didn't reverse the bathroom and the hall either.

I suppose actually all I did was remove everything, but what I started with...after remodeling the old place. The floor was falling through in one area at that time. Actually had a hole in it. The decoration was simply horrendous; nothing matched, and the bathroom actually opened up into the waiting area. It was tiny...it was gross. I don't suppose I could do the description of the hall, justice. There were painted shelves...pink (painted many times over), an old sink with a huge paint bucket sitting in it...very gross. The place was just nasty...yet I could see the possibility of beauty.

My husband, always allowing me to be me, said "yes" we could venture into this...if that's what I wanted. It was. Never allowing "grass to grow under my feet", I/we, began the journey of creating beauty from ashes. That's what God did, ya know...with us! And because we were created with His creativity, we have that ability to create beauty also. It all happened within a few short weeks.

Our handy man friend got right on the design I drew up for him. Repairing the floor had to be first...right after the tearing down and clearing out of old, yucky stuff that had it's own odor.  Add a room, enclose a room, install round pillars, new sheet-rock, enclose and increase the size of the bathroom, and make it to open up in the hall...not the waiting area! Make the hall wider by taking out the shelving, and create a place for a washer/dryer stack...it's own room. Sweet! Paint the siding and eves a difference color, making them more pleasing to look at. Texture the walls and lay the ceramic tile...now it was time for my touch...right after my husband installed new shelving in my new office area, and carried in my beautiful Grecian Lady water fountain (with help, of course). :) After designing a work station for two, my cabinet maker got busy. It was simply beautiful! There was plenty of storage in the design and the large mirrors really opened up the place...reflecting the fountain and very large mirror on the opposite wall. The place looked twice, if not three times as big, as it actually was. We needed a check-out counter to match, so my brother-in-law created one! Beautiful! Perfect for the computer and it's data base of clients, retail, and contact numbers for manufacturers and their reps. Twinkle lights strung over grape vines in just the right places, made for a place that even I could relax, at the end of very busy days. It was a haven for me...

Several up-dates have happened since that time...new black awnings out front with round columns at the edge of rounded steps...awnings at the back and side windows...new hand-made wooden railings running down the sides of the back steps...a beautiful wooden fence that encased my exposed air-conditioner in the back...two large (and gorgeous) Grecian urns filled with cork-screw Juniper trees for the front entry..and finally a new roof...the look was becoming complete.

It was a beautiful journey, as I pondered the next move in making it look the absolute best it could look. I worked long hours. During the day, I worked my day job...at night, I was creating the new look in the new place...preparing for the day I would move into my new location. A place where people could come and relax, as they were being pampered. Even the wait (when there was one) was peaceful. The water fountain and soothing (mostly instrumental) music, quietly playing in the background gave them a sense of well-being. It was not the normal beauty shop where gossip and drama creates unrest. It was a place where all was well...a place of escape. Without me saying a word, they could feel the calm of the Holy Spirit. The most often quote was, "It's so peaceful in here." Mission accomplished.

I would cry, but no tears come. This was a place that God provided, not only for me, but for those He would send my way, as well. It appears that time has ended. Knowing that the God I serve, never asks me to lay something down, without having something else waiting for me, I can't be sad. Another part of the journey...another trial, possibly...another mountain top experience, possibly. Whatever it is...I am His. Now, THAT makes me cry. Tears of gratitude, of joy, of expectation. He has taken this heap of ashes (my previous life) and given me beauty. He's allowed me the most wonderful experience of touching others lives and them touching mine. He's caused me to see the beauty that can be there...because we were created for beauty.

I feel much like that renewed old building at 1829 North Main Street, in Miami, OK. I'll never forget the talk about it, coming from the businesses sitting on either side of it...as the work progressed on it. When all the foundational stuff was complete, the previous owner walked in and was speechless. He just couldn't believe what it now looked like. You see, anything can be turned into a thing of beauty. And we, as human beings, are not exempt. All it takes is an acknowledgement that the Creator of this Universe and all that is in it, put creativity within us. HIS creativity. He was the One that breathed life into our humanness. And He has left us a hand-book on how to accomplish the best for ourselves and Him. We bring honor to Him, much like our children bring honor to us, when we live in the truth of His Word. We don't have to remain untouched by the Master's Hand. All we have to do is invite Him to do the reconstruction...and He creates a thing of beauty...of peace.

These are the most recent events that have surrounded my life. I am so excited to see what is in store for the next leg of my journey.

As always, you will find me here...in Mary's World.

Geez...when did THAT happen?

I've decided I need a meeting with anyone over 70 years of age. I'm going to need more than one person, though. Let's say, maybe 100.

I have begun to notice a consistency, in the way my brain processes speed. No, not the drug, speed. SPEED, as in the turbo affect. That's another thing...I've got to be careful of how I talk now a-days. Words that used to mean one thing, now mean something entirely different. When did THAT happen?

Well, back to my original story. That's another thing...I'm always getting off on what my brother-in-law calls "rabbit trails." I think. When did THAT happen?

So...I've begun to notice that when traveling 70 - 80 miles per hour down the Interstate...(geez, I almost typed "Internet"), it seems as if I'm traveling at the speed of light. And when I'm driving on Hwy. 43, heading North to Joplin, it seems like I'm traveling at the speed of light (going 65 mph). Driving home from work (usually after dark), at 55 mph (45 mph in certain construction places), it seems as if I'm traveling at the speed of light! When did THAT happen?

This has me a little more than concerned. You see, I'm the one that patiently, *wink*, follows all these little old people that think if they are in a 55 mph zone, it really means they should not go faster than 35 mph. And when we hit the 45 mph zone, they interpret that as no faster than 18 mph.

This group meeting I'm about to call together...I really hope they aren't going to tell me this is the next step immediately after feeling as if you're traveling at the speed of light. If that's going to be the case, I now relinquish my independence, and hand over the car keys. But if you tell me I agreed to this, I won't remember a thing. :) And that's the beauty of "Geez...when did THAT happen?"

Hopefully, sitting here protected..in Mary's World, won't have similar consequences. If the meeting goes well, I won't have to worry about giving up my keyboard. If it doesn't...

I'll be waiting for YOU to catch up to me...here, in Mary's World.