Why We Need to Be Seen, Or Do We?

Why do people need to be seen? Please understand this post is not about a select few that have, for most of their lives, felt unseen. Unheard. And because of experienced trauma, a deep inner cry for needing to be seen developed. That's a real thing folks. But, this post is about all of humanity and our seeming need to be seen. No exemptions. Did I just hear a "bah"?

Studies show that being seen is necessary to feel like we matter and promotes mental and emotional wellbeing, including a reduced risk for anxiety and depression. Social psychologists Morris Rosenburg and Claire McCullough wrote that feeling noticed is "the most elementary form of mattering." Most of us just need to matter. We can "survive" without being seen by those not directly connected to us, but when it comes to family & friends, we need to see in their eyes that they are grateful we are a part of their lives. If we don't, a dark cloud begins to form inside us, trying to convince us we are not important in this life. It's a dangerous place to entertain. It has caused too much sacrifice, in my opinion. And that's another story...

One needing to be seen is different than one seeking attention. Or is it? It is. The first hides themselves, the second, does many exploits to be seen. Do we really know ourselves? Do we know who God says we are? Does it matter who He says we are? Why do we need more than that as we walk out this journey? Is it the answer to a need, for others to see us and not just God? If we don't know God, how can we expect to really know ourselves? To know God, is to know ourselves. We are so blinded by what the world says we should be, we fail to see who God says we are. And still, it is so important that we help others see just how valuable they are, by letting them know we see them. Humanity has a need to feel that someone, anyone, actually cares they exist. We do live in a very competitive world that demands one to be better than the other. Or so we think. Or so we've been told. And it's one of the reasons I've always been in competition with only myself and no others. Wanting to be better than I was the day before. Am I successful. Some days. Not all days. I've decided we are all a work in progress. The important thing is to get up, dust ourselves off, and try again. It doesn't matter what others can do, what others are good at. We must look at what we've been given to do and hone that skill to the best of our ability. Never comparing ourselves to others and what they can do. 

By the same rule, we should always acknowledge to others that we see them, and what a great thing God did in creating them for the betterment of this world. All the while giving encouragement to continue in their endeavors. 

My measuring stick is to always line my human ways up with what God says about whatever it is I am thinking of. Then (hopefully) rightly dividing the Word of Truth. So, what does the Bible have to say about us needing to "be seen"? We know what psychologists say. Is their analogy right?

So, please know that needing to be seen and doing things to be seen, are on opposite sides of the spectrum.  It's one of the places where we confuse what God says about being seen. 

The 6th chapter of Matthew (new testament...NIV version is more understandable), gives us sight of what is good and what isn't when it comes to the need of being seen. However, Matthew is talking about doing acts of righteousness, in order to be seen and known for our "Godliness". So, it's not addressing the need to be seen as one who feels invisible. It is talking about the pharisaical people who want others to know just how righteous they are. These are people who are one way in public and another way at home with those they have committed to protect. And they love to tell the world the good they have done, even though we are directed to do good deeds in secret. "Be careful not to do charitable acts to be seen by men, or else you'll have no reward from your father in heaven." ~Matthew 6:1 (paraphrased) 

John 12: 42-43 lets us know that we love human praise more than praise from God. God's plan for us is often in conflict with the world's plan for us (1 John 2:15). To be popular, we must choose the world. In doing so, means God is not the Lord of our lives (Luke 9:23). The world is.

But what do we do with those who are in need of feeling seen. Those who feel invisible? Those who walk in the abyss most of the time. Those who don't understand just how much they are loved by their Creator? The one who wove them together in their mother's womb? Those who have bought into the worlds view of being "less than"? Even those who know how much God loves them can allow themselves to feel less than, simply because those closest to them don't seem to see them. They are continually interrupted when speaking, continually told things like "I've already told you about that," continually overlooked for something more interesting (so they think). Are we too sensitive, as we are told, by those who defend their actions?

We all have five senses. Right? Every human being has the sense of touch, sight, hearing, smell, and taste. Unless, of course one, or all have been removed by illness or accidents. My point is, it's a God given thing. He gave those five senses so we could understand the world around us, and those in it. It's how we decide what is good for us to be around, and what is not. Those senses trigger responses. Fight or flight. Embrace or distance from. Calm or unrest, etc. You get the picture.

Last point: When we feel "seen", we thrive in a world with challenges. When we feel misunderstood, not important enough to be listened to, or just "non-existent", our world will present challenges that will either cause us to hide (retreat) within ourselves, believing the lie, OR we will bow before the Father, and He will tell us who we really are. He will lift our heads to see beyond the abyss and will lift us up where we belong. That isn't a haughty statement. It's simply truth. We are His. And He is ours to lean on, to listen to, to follow, to learn from, to obey. That's a tough one for many. We don't want to "obey" ANYONE. Let alone someone we can't see. But...just like a little child that obey's a good parent, the rewards are many.

Please comment below with your opinion. I'm interested, and I will listen.

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World

Jani's Closet

I've always been a pretty serious soul. My thoughts take me deep into the reality of life, and because of that, the characteristics of such a nature have given me a very difficult time at being light-hearted, funny, and never "the life of the party."

For most of my earthly existence, I felt misunderstood. Even when I tried to "fit in" or become a part of conversations, I failed miserably. So, for the most part, I just entertained myself in my own little sphere of existence. And then there was a moment in time that my heart reached out to embrace a friend, simply because one of my girls had declared "you need a friend, Mom."

Her name was Jani, and I'll never forget that Sunday morning. As I waited for an opportunity to ask her to be my friend, I almost talked myself out of it, cause "this is crazy." I didn't have time for a friend, and I was pretty sure she didn't either. She was practicing with the Worship Team at Fellowship of Christians that day...yet another reason not to bother her. Why Jani? Why did I choose her to walk through lifes difficulties with me? There were plenty others I could have intruded on. Why her?

Dennis & I had been very close to her & LeRoy, since our Commerce Community days. We knew we could count on them for whatever we needed help with, and they could count on us. Some thought us to already be friends. And I suppose we were, in a fashion. But it was about to get real. They were trustworthy. They were honest. They were fun. They were compassionate. They were sincere. We served together in the church wherever we were needed, and even that was going to lead to something neither of us anticipated.

That particular Sunday morning, I bravely let my guard down and she walked right into my heart. Always having a smile on her face, always laughing…I asked if she'd be my friend. She probably thought I had lost my mind. But to me, the word "friend" gave entrance into my soul, which I hadn't been willing to give access to, up to that time. It's a very long story. Maybe someday I will tell it. But that day was a defining moment in my life that no one was aware of, until much later. Responding, she gave me a curiosity filled, sweet look and with a tender smile, said, "Yes, I'll be your friend."

Our times together after that, were on a very different plateau. I loved Jani so much. She was a true friend, if there ever was one. She tried to teach me how to Garage Sale (that was wasted effort). I saw junk that I didn't want to take the time to pilfer through. She saw treasures. The only thing I enjoyed about garage sales was visiting the donut shop for coffee and a donut, before heading out before the sun came up. I always wanted to drive because I would get us there faster. She caught onto that pretty quickly and never let me drive again. "You have to slow down, Mary, so I can see what's set out." We had the addresses of where all the "good" sales were (thanks LeRoy), and I wanted to get there before the good stuff was all gone. Her response to that was, "If we're suppose to have it, it will be there when we get there." That drove me crazy, but I always gave in. We thought so differently, but God wanted us connected for some reason. She told me once that her entire family was dressed from garage sale clothing. I would comment on something she was wearing, and immediately she would say, "25 cents (or some rediculous price)…garage sale." And I would touch my dress and say, "Belks…$65," or some nonsensical statement. I never had reason to doubt her, but her family always looked as if they had just stepped out of a magazine. And the paces I put her through...well, let's just say she must have been an angel in disguise.

Jani tried to teach me a lot of things. Sad to say, I was a poor student, much of the time. Why she never gave up on me is a sure sign of just how much God loves me. She tried to teach me how to shop for discounted food by taking me to different places where she shopped to feed the masses. Her pantry was always full. I so admired her. Yet, I was afraid of food poisoning. Afraid my purchase would sit on shelves until it exploded, just like any clothing I purchased at garage sales, hung in my closet, never to be worn. She bought dented cans without labels yet knew what was in each can, and as far as I know, everyone she fed is still alive and flourishing. Not sure what their mental state in though…(that one's for you, LeRoy) ;)

Dennis and I would go to LeRoy & Jani's for dinner, some evenings, before our Cell Group Meetings…or they would come to our house. Times I will always treasure and miss terribly. Her laugh rings in my ears now as I type about just a speck of her life. We both had a touch of craziness when we got together. One very awesome memory we shared were the yearly Women's Retreats. We tried to always share a room cause we just liked each other. We would talk and laugh long after everyone else had gone to bed. Laughing always caused us to have throat issues. She would clear her throat, then I would clear mine. For some weird reason, that just set us off. The more we laughed, the worse the throat clearing got. Good times, my friend. I miss you…

After Jani left this world, I felt lost again. It wasn't long after her funeral that LeRoy asked if I would like to bring a young lady that I had taken "under my wing", over to his house and go through some of Jani's clothes. He was going to donate them to Goodwill, and thought maybe Andrea could use some of them. When we walked into the bedroom, I wasn't sure I could stay, knowing what we were there for. But LeRoy, being the guy he is, caused a peace over the room that encouraged me and Andrea, to take a look.

Jani had a walk-in closet to be envied. She was always organized and very neat with her belongings. We did take some of her things with us, that day. I still have them and think of her every time I slip my arms through the white sweater, or shimmy the gray boat-necked shirt over my head. LeRoy later gave me one of Jani's fans that I had admired…and a coffee cup.

I thought of Jani yesterday, when I was putting my husband's shoes back in his closet's shoe rack. It was a day I was glad that I had to pick up after him, because it brought Jani back to me for a while. Was she there, just waiting for an opportunity to be my friend again?

Today, I chose the coffee cup that used to be hers. It was my cup, she told me. I had always admired it when we were visiting them. It was my cup of choice, to drink from. I didn't know at the time, it would bring back deep memories of days gone by. Memories that only close friends share. Boot-camp memories. Memories of trying to re-dig some spiritual wells, of facing difficult, first ever, situations.  It's an inspiring cup, with grass and a few strategically placed flowers, around the bottom…and throughout the middle and around the inside of the lip, there are little bees flying around with words of encouragement. "great things happen when we beelieve" "if it is to bee, it's up to me" "what the mind can beelieve, it can achieve" "bee true to yourself" "surround yourself with beelievers" "beelieve with your heart" "beelieve and achieve" "beelieve you can succeed"…

Ahhhh…Jani's closet. It's so full of love and wisdom. So much you accomplished, in the short time you were here, my friend. You will never be forgotten, for you will live forever in my heart...in my memories...and in the hearts of the oh-so-many your life touched, while here.

Friends on earth, friends in heaven...forever friends.

Truly, God's mercies are new every morning. He knows what we have need of, physically and mentally…

And today, I needed my friend…here, in Mary's World.