Open the Eyes of My Heart

Have you ever felt as though you were walking through life with a blindfold on? Feeling mostly empty? Only existing, having no real purpose or vision for what your life could be...should be? That was me, some 52 years ago.

Soon after realizing I was truly void of anything that gave life to my days, and then relinquishing my rights to myself, one of my favorite songs quickly became, "Open the Eyes of My Heart" written by Michael W. Smith. The basics of the song was repetition of these words:

 Open the eyes of my heart, Lord

Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

To see you high and lifted up
Shining in the light of Your glory
Pour out Your power and love
As we sing holy, holy, holy

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You

I want to see You

Amazing Grace was another one of my favorites as a very young Christian (at 27 years of age), written by John Newton. 

"Amazing Grace. How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see. 'Twas grace that caused my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed." 

I could feel the lyrics as they filled me up. It's as if I became one with them. The words from these 2 songs gave me strength to transition from darkness to light. As bad as living in darkness is, if it's your life, it's hard to let it go. Familiar territory is at the very least...familiar. The unknown can be de-stabilizing, cause loss of "friends", and turning your back on what you've known for so long. Even when it is a frightening existence. At least it's YOUR frightening existence.

I knew something had to change. Once I gave up...once I had gotten to the end of that proverbial rope, I begged God not to forget about me. Not to leave me, now. Even though I had turned my back towards him, I desperately needed Him not to turn His back towards me. Trustworthy. Faithful. Omnipresent God. The God of my fathers, who I really didn't know. I knew about him from all the teachings I had sat under; from the everyday Scripture readings and prayers offered, being raised in a pastors home...yet...I didn't know him.

As I began the journey on this new, and very narrow path, I realized tunnel vision was something I needed to keep the distracting forces of yesteryear from pulling me back into the abyss as flash-backs popped into my mind, without invitation. I needed focus. Both of those songs kept me grounded and would instantly bring tears of gratitude to my eyes as the music played and the spirit made alive. One might say they were the building blocks of my new found faith in God, the Father...Jesus, the Son...and the Holy Spirit. Something we, as human beings, as spiritual people having an earthly/human experience, need. 

Removing the distractions was a must in those early years of denying myself while God restored my innermost being. What a journey it's been!

When I glanced at the clock this morning, it read 4:44. My first thought was, "Wow! I actually had a full nights rest!" The next thought was, "Hmmmm...the number 4 (in the Bible) refers to creation, earth, stability. God's order and his presence in the world, and being ready for whatever His plans may be. Completion." I took this as instruction from the One who truly cares, who loves unconditionally, who guides those who listen...as a reminder from whence I came.  

Then...I looked at my day planner. Wanna know what I had written down several days ago in the notes section for the beginning of 2026? 

"Prayer for 2026: Open our eyes LORD, that we may see. Ephesians 1:18. 2 Kings 6:17"

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

"Nobody Is Coming For You, Mary"

These words, spoken by a client/friend, settled ever so gently into my spirit. They were intended to calm, to validate, and to assure me. She and I were talking about my husbands upcoming trip to Missouri. The trip I never, ever, look forward to. He gets so excited about the trip, never concerned about what it might mean to me. He knows I'll be okay and just chooses not to worry about it. Too much to look forward to, I suppose. His family loves seeing him and they make sure any family member within a 100 mile radius, knows Dennis is coming in for a visit. I'm happy he gets the opportunity. Time sweeps us off our feet much too quickly. It's just a time I must do battle. Alone.

Without going into too much information, I have struggled with safety issues most of my life. Fear of the unknown (and sometimes the known), admittedly, has held me much too tightly in its grip. The swiftness of my feet, and the strength of my legs, have helped me escaped more situations over my lifetime, than I care to admit. But now that I'm older; now that I'm in the "twilight years" of my life, I'm not so quick. Stealthy? Yes! Still very watchful. Not much escapes my sight. For that I am thankful. 

Since my retirement 7 months ago, I find myself understanding my friends words even more. There have been moments in my life when someone has spoken much harsher words; words that felt unjust, but have lingered inside me...for my good, actually. Words that made me sit up and take notice. Much like, "Hey! You're not listening! Pay attention!" Those particular words weren't spoken. It's just how they made me feel in the moment. And I did take notice.

But now, these new words have taken on a slightly different meaning for me. I know my husband loves me. I know my kiddos (adult ones & little ones), love me as well. Yet, everyone has their own life to live. And the old man that lives with me (his old lady), gets glassy eyed within a few seconds of me sharing anything that doesn't immediately catch his questioning/might-be-interested mind. So, I tire of wanting to share. And I walk away. Alone. But not alone. He's here. I know that. That's comforting. Still, no one to talk with at any given time my brain comes alive with "news." 

No one is coming for me. And I have a LOT of pent up words needing an avenue to be released upon. Most likely why there is a deficit of bodies with listening ears available to listen...

Anyway...I've said it more than once. Ones happiness cannot depend on others. One must create their own happiness. Not to be confused with joy. Joy remains, regardless of what "mood" one may find themselves to be in. Joy remains in spite of circumstantial evidence. Sadness and lonely feelings come around to lock us down. They show themselves when one doesn't take the time to cherish life. To count their blessings. To acknowledge the grace they live in. To enjoy the moments of solitude they've been given. The moments of quietness. And I get that...

Synopsis: I think I just need 15-30 minutes of communication daily...or weekly. We could negotiate that. This could be a New Year's goal. 😁

As always, here you will find me (watching the steam come from my tea pot)...in Mary's World.

STOP! DON'T STEP OVER THAT LINE!

Christmas has come and gone, for 2025. It was a great time with our little family! As it usually is. But, now it is time to shake ourselves and leave the old behind. At least the used up part of it. Memories last. As they should.

Today's post is a snap-shot of what it's been like since I spoke the word I didn't think I'd ever speak. "Retirement."I seriously thought I would have to be hauled away (while in the middle of doing someones hair), on an EMS gurney, stretcher, cot...whatever that thing is called they put dead bodies on. But, it didn't quite work out that way.

Now, some 7 months later...

I can feel myself waning; my strength not as it once was. I suppose that is natural, yet when I see women who never seem to tire, I want to know their secret. But if it's spending a couple of hours in a gym, I'm not interested. I know I won't bring myself that much discipline when it comes to lifting weights or running on a tread mill. To be fair, I don't see that many people these days. This retirement thing has stolen my "want to" and I fear I am becoming a bit lazy, a bit hermit-ty...occasionally.

Knowing this would happen at some point, I was hoping it wouldn't be this soon. My 79th birthday is about 6 months away, so maybe it's time. Something I have noticed, however, is that if I'm excited about something, my body, mind, and spirit seem to kick into a unified force that supports each other as the task(s) are tackled. They don't tire until the mission is accomplished. But...if disillusion creeps in on any front...well...I might as well stop whatever it is I'm doing because the rest of the day doesn't go so well. Then all I want to do is hide away with no interference, propped up on my bed watching anything on TV that will make me laugh. 

The questions come fast and furious, now: Am I turning into a cranky old woman? A snippy, out-of-touch individual? A spreader of dark clouds? Will my children's children want to come see me ever again? Or will it be a constant, "Do we HAVE to go see Grams?" And lastly, but certainly not least, complaining is getting so much easier to do. UGH!!! Nobody likes being around a complainer...not even me.

I knew taking an early retirement (yes, 78 years old is early for me) would prove to be possibly the biggest challenge I would face in my lifetime. And 7 months into it, I've found that to be very true. Adjusting has been interesting. Days ticking off with no makeup on my face (that's kinda nice, actually), hair never coifed (just brushed), and my poor brain allowed to become inactive...mostly, while sitting in front of a monitor screen. Oh, it's searched for information to pick apart. It's searched for why I should believe something to be true, or not true. And...it's learning new things about gardening. Or maybe it's just refreshing itself, much like when you tap that circling arrow at the top of this page, to do a refresh. But, mostly it searches for challenges within its grasp to overcome, a bit more quickly than adjusting to retirement has been. 

We'll get there. By hook or by crook. What does that even mean? Guess I could play along and do a deep dive...I do have the time. 😑 Maybe I should start the mundane action of putting away allllllll the Christmas decorations that took me a full week to get up. Beautiful as they may be, the main event they ushered in is now in our rear-view mirror and it won't return until next December.

Focus, Mary. Focus! Time for a New Year's Resolution. *wink *wink. But, where to start? We must know where we are, to get to where we want to be. So....

Here's what we know: 

1) Doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results, is the definition of insanity. Right? 

2) Not willing to change the circumstances causing the boredom, is accepting a defeated spirit. Not a pretty sight. 

3) If we continue on this path, it will destroy us, causing death of mind, body, and spirit. Not necessarily death, death. But certainly a decaying process must take place. If we don't use it...we lose it. Agreed?

Things I know I MUST do: 

1) Get back on track with taking my daily walks. Those ALWAYS refresh me. 

2) Begin my daily exercises...again. These really do help me twist (and sometimes shout), bringing my body into subjection as it limbers up. Rigor mortis is not the way to go. Believe me...

3) ALWAYS start my day with God...reading from the Word, studying the Word, sitting quietly, allowing the Word to penetrate my heart. Therein is guidance. I know this to be true. 

4) Fight the urge to do nothing. Yes, rest when needed. Just don't get in the habit of doing nothing all day long!

So....

My To Do List for the first half of 2026. For those who care, but mostly for me...

1) Begin the task of decluttering. I promised myself I would do this the moment I retired. Didn't happen. My plan is to go room by room, hopefully with little to no, distraction. One at a time. Focus will be needed, since I usually start in one room and find myself in another, moving things around to aid what I began.

2) DISCIPLINE! As long as my body allows, MOVE IT! Daily walks. Daily exercise. Daily meals (as healthy as possible). Oh man! This is going to take a lot of planning!

3) Meal planning for the week. Possibly the month. Having only two to cook for, this shouldn't be hard. But it always has been for me. 

4) Make solid decisions on what to do with left-over salon related items. That era has been completed. 

5) Always look for the good in things. Even when life throws the sour stuff my way. I know I'll fail at this on occasion, but I don't give up easily. Unless it has to do with that awful word "retirement".

I think 5 is enough. The number of grace. I'm gonna need it.

As you can see, God's still working on me, here...in Mary's World.

  

But What If I Don't Like Flies???

Awake at 3:33 AM, I rose with the intention of heading back to bed after a visit to the powder room. Per usual, the first thing I do, is check the weather. A chilly 28º told me I wasn't going anywhere except to the greenhouse to check on the condition of those depending on me for life.

Luckily, it was only 34º degrees inside...not to the freezing point...yet. Still much too cold for my heat loving plants. I did what I needed to do, then headed back to my own comfort zone. The brisk walk to, and from, the greenhouse woke me up. Completely. It was great! Still not sure why I love the cold on my face so much. But I do.

As I busied myself in the kitchen, my brain began rehashing the late evening event between DW and myself. I had gone out to the greenhouse to shut the homemade heat source down for the evening. Unbeknownst to me, the fuel had sucked itself dry and now only the "wick" was burning. Oh wow! The greenhouse was filled with gray smoke that threatened to choke out my babies. And now, me...

Capping off the heat source, I sent a text to DW to please come help me. Windows needed opening, fan needed started, and I couldn't breath, nor see because of the burn effect coming into my eye sockets. I thought, "This could be it for me. I may collapse right here and no one will know. Especially Dennis because he's still in bed. Fast asleep." If I had stopped for just a minute to consider there couldn't be carbon monoxide filling the place (because its odorless and I could clearly smell fumes), I wouldn't have gotten into such a frenzy. Plus, the fuel burning was clean denatured alcohol. But the neurons weren't firing so well, even though the cold early morning air had closed off all my pores, my eyeballs wanted out of their sockets and my lungs were collapsing. 

Dennis rarely gets in a hurry, and staying true to form, he wasn't coming fast enough (for me, anyway), so I stepped outside and called his phone. Then he appeared. Not very happily, he says, "You do know you can draw more flies to honey than with vinegar, right?" I wasn't in the mood...

Bringing you back to this morning...as I was pondering this, I realized I don't like flies. Why would I want to draw flies? Good question. Right??? Who in the world thought ANYONE would want to draw flies and so then decided it would be a great thing to make up an idiom that would last throughout eternity about them? Furthermore, why do FLIES symbolize getting someone to cooperate with you? Weird. Am I right? Do we really want those nasty creatures cooperating with us? Well....maybe. Just so they can be swatted and destroyed. Kind of counter intuitive, wouldn't you say? Okay, now. No hate speech, please.

Something to consider: Personally, I think this particular saying is false. I would think you could draw more flies (should you actually want them), to vinegar. More so than honey. Vinegar is acetic acid. It fools flies into thinking there is some sweetness to be had. Like, maybe ROTTING FRUIT! Yum...🙄 Dumb flies. I'm probably overthinking this...

However...if you know me...

Yep. I went digging. So as not to bore you to death (unless I already have), read on for the simplest explanation I found.

"I just found out something amazing about flies, vinegar, and honey that turns this old idiom on its ear! I read about the design of a fly trap that attracts them with vinegar, but traps them with honey. It's an inverted jar, and the flies, lured in by the smell of the vinegar (vinegar smells like rotting fruit to them, which they adore) are tricked into going higher up the jar, where the sides are coated with honey. They get stuck on the honey. I think the basic meaning of the saying remains intact, that if we want people to do what we want, we should be sweet and not rude to them." – user38166  Feb 24, 2013 at 2:03 (This is from the StackExchange website)

So, maybe I was wrong. Still...why compare getting what you want, to FLIES? Why not a cuddly kitten? Manipulation? Being the conspiracy thinker that I am, I think this goes much deeper than what meats the eye. Or the brain. As most things do.

For those who want to know: This saying first appeared in America in Poor Richard's Almanac in 1744. But the saying can be traced back to G. Torriano's 'Common Place of Italian Proverbs'. So I suppose we'll never really know why flies were used for this idiom. UNLESS...it was because of the same reason it's been said to "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." 🤷‍♀️ Aren't you glad you read this whole post? 😉😂

Keeping an eye out for other nonsensical things, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Commented

 

The Season of Whimsy and Nostalgia

I don't suppose there is any other season I love more than the one that ushers in the magic of whimsy and nostalgia. I love creating spaces that are festive, comforting, inviting, and give all around good vibes. I can get a bit carried away with that, I suppose...if I'm not reined in...and good luck with that! 🤣 

Christmas seems to have a rhythm all its own at our house. Some things are always a must have where worlds collide, and other spaces are simple little moments that tell a festive story that means the most to me. Spaces that are small, yet make a statement. The spaces that give comfort and solitude.

I would love to add an area with a card table that also works as a grazing table. A place away from the noise (if need be) where one, or two could work on a puzzle while snacking and reflecting. Or simply sit with a hot beverage and peer out the window watching the snow fall. I could probably make that happen if I put my mind to it. As Dennis says, "You'll figure it out." My only problem would be getting the weather to cooperate with me. Proof I'm not as powerful as I'd like to think.

Dennis says strong women are scary. Of course he is only joking. I think. But...he's not wrong. We are a race of determined, accomplishment driven women, that causes the masses to take a slow, cautionary step back. And we love it. *wink *wink. It's also the reason we need to stop and breathe deep and exhale slowly from time to time. There's a couple of results that come from that. One is to release all we've been carrying. The other will help us muster the strength...the focus, to move forward with what's next. It's when we forget to exhale properly that the strange, the unexpected happens. Can you relate?

Christmas does have a way of finding more gumption coming from me than any other time of the year. My body tires, but my spirit soars. And I enjoy every moment, because mid-January comes too quickly. Maybe the brutal removal of a clock with numbers having their own space on a wall slowed my roll a bit this year, but it's all good. Repairs are only a few days away.

I can tell you, though, there is one little disappointment that I have tried to accommodate for since moving from the midwest where snow was a given for Christmas. I do miss our Oklahoma fireplace with its warmth that wrapped us up like a cozy blanket as soon as we stepped inside. There is no warmth quite as comforting as a wood burning fireplace as one enters it's atmosphere when coming in from the freezing temps of a full on white-out blizzard that numbs the toes and fingers. 

My prayer for you this Christmas season is that you will be swept up in the magic that Christmas offers. Snow, or no snow. I pray that your hearts and minds will be at peace because of the gift we all received some 2000 years ago in the form of a baby boy sent for the purpose of connecting us back with the Father of life. Connecting us back to home. 

Set the stage. Enjoy the process of creating an atmosphere that gives lasting joy, here, in the natural realm of things. It's a start...

May this season of lights bring great comfort and joy as your spirit soars with the knowledge that all things are possible when the only true God of life and creation is your guide. 

Love on those who will allow it, smile at those who won't. Make lots of cookies and serve them fresh from the oven. The moments of life pass more quickly than we realize. 

Enjoy the sights and sounds...feel the warmth they bring.  

And remember, as always, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Truth or Dare?

Jesus came to preach, to let all of humanity know about a love that had never been experienced, but was about to invade the world. He wanted them to know there was a way back to the father of life. He wanted them to know of the great deception that took place when Satan entered the world, but also that he had come to expose Satans kingdom of lies so that they could have discernment and peace like they had never known before.

Jesus didn't come to do miracles, although he did have the authority to do them...and did. He came to let us know there would now be a choice as to who we would serve. Wellll...actually, there was always that choice; he just wanted to remind us of it. He was going to make sure we could find our way back home and that death would not have a hold on us because of our sin nature, our self-serving desires. He was prepared to pay the price of our really bad choices and the consequences of them.

We were created to live forever and Jesus came to remind us of that. He taught that we need not die in our sinful nature. We could live with love as our guide...not hate (results of self-centeredness). He came to teach forgiveness and how to live in a world full of injustice. He came to wrap us up in the knowledge of just how very much he loves us. Enough to ignore the threats on his own life. Enough to command evil to depart from us. Enough to pay the price, the consequences of sin, even though he was sinless. For us. So that we might truly live. Not for the indulgences we so often seek, but for the peace of mind that comes with doing what's right. For seeing beyond the obvious. Beyond what our natural eyes see. To see the hidden cries of someones heart. Of our own heart. The deep need to be truly loved. Not with superficial love (if you give me what I want, then I will love you), but with love that is unconditional (I will always be for you...not against you).

He came to show us how to be compassionate to those less fortunate. To show love to those whose load is so heavy that it's breaking them. And He has asked us to share the good news with them. Not to just pray with them, but to take a step beyond prayer and be the answer to that prayer. To not only "bind up", to heal their heart, but to give out of our abundance. What if we were meant to serve others beyond praying over them with beautiful words?

Which one do you think is more important? Sharing the news of God's love for us and leading others to repentance, or preforming miracles (such as sustenance for the body)? Maybe you would say, "Why can't there be both?" But if you had to choose healing for your body, or healing for your soul, which would you choose? 

Something to consider: When Jesus healed the people that were brought to him, many times he would say, "Your sins have been forgiven. Go your way and sin no more." So...was there an automatic worship, an automatic repentance and belief of the one who healed them, thus giving them entrance into the kingdom of God? Did Jesus not only heal the body, but also the human soul at the same time? Otherwise, why would he tell them to go and sin no more (John 5:14)? There is so much more to understand here, than meets the eye. Don't just read the Word...dive deep into it.

Just how much should we trust the unknown? Are we actually playing a game of Truth or Dare? We must all decide...

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World