For some time now...approximately 1and 1/2 years, give or take a few months, I have felt quite isolated. Oh yes, I have my wonderful friends and I still connect with clients on a daily basis. For the most part, my life continues to be busy, yet with plenty of "down" time...time for rest. Sometimes the resting part, even though appreciated, stresses me just a little. I've always been a worker. From the age of 9 years, most of what I remember is rising early for the demanding chores of farm life, to getting into bed at a decent hour for the rest needed to accomplish all that must be done the following day. Not much has changed since then, except for this very empty feeling I have on occasion.
My husband and I accepted pastoral positioning in March of 2006. With vision and great anticipation of the things to come, we put our hands to the task. Many unexpected things began to take place within the first year. One of our co-leaders, and very close friend, was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor and left us just a few weeks shy of a year after the diagnosis. My beautiful sister left this world only 25 days later, being released from the shell of a prison she was in. A rare disease, PSP, had attacked her body, causing the brain to short-circuit from the body. Knowing everything that was happening, yet not being able to move any part of her body, except the eyelid...on occasion. She could not even communicate her needs or desires. PSP robbed her of her life, causing a complete dependency upon love and the care-giving of her devoted husband.
The church that began as "Heart of Worship" went through many changes also. Using what we had until we got what we needed, was a challenge (to say the least) that we met, knowing God was our provider. The church grew fast, with an awesome nursery and kids church. We formed a prosperous women's group and developed leadership meetings...and as fast as it grew, it diminished. Short-sightedness and being new at what God had put in our hands, we made more than a few mistakes, causing a walk-out of our newly formed worship team and then a disturbance was felt in the midst of our women's group, to bring division there as well. Many trying things happened that surrounded the whole church body, that I won't expound on. But, all the while, God was teaching my husband and I about true leadership. Yet, slowly I began a "fall/slide" down from the top of the world. It was as if only a few believed in what we were doing. And now, four years later, only a faithful few remain.
We re-grouped and changed our name to "LifeGate Church", keeping the same by-laws and vision. We knew what we were called to in Miami. We were just having a hard time getting there. A new field takes much plowing. Ridding the field of danger to new plants. And it all was happening without us trying to make it happen. We prepared ourselves for service to those God brought our way, and left the results up to Him. So, here we are, trying to understand and find our way. Not sure where we are headed.
"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10, has settled in my spirit of late. I ran across a newsletter from Os Hillman a few months back, and it spoke to me, so I copied it off. Once again, I ran across this same newsletter this a.m. So, I am really feeling this is God's response to my continual question, "What are we doing here, in the place we find ourselves to be?" May I share it with you?
"There is a time and place in our walk with God in which He sets us in a place of waiting. It is a place in which all past experiences are of no value. It is a time of such stillness that it can disturb the most faithful if we do not understand that He is the one who has brought us to this place for only a season. It is as if God has placed a wall around us. No new opportunities...simply inactivity. During these times, God is calling us aside to fashion something new in us. It is an isolation chamber designed to call us to deeper roots of prayer and faith. It is not a comfortable place, especially for a task-driven workplace believer. Our nature cries out, "You must do something," while God is saying, "Be still and know that I am God." You know the signs that you have been brought into this chamber when He has removed many things from your life and you can't seem to change anything. Most religious people live a very planned and orchestrated life where they know almost everything that will happen. But for people in whom God is performing a deeper work, He brings them into a time of quietness that seems almost eerie. They cannot say what God is doing. They just know that He is doing a work that cannot be explained to themselves or to others."
Hopefully the chamber will open soon...until then, you will find me in Mary's World.
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