The Story of My Life: Little Much Afraid

The struggle is real, I kid you not. Today, on my morning walk (about 15 minutes before sunup), the fear was brought front and center as God was showing me glimpses of my existence during the years between little girlhood and big girlhood. Okay, fine. Adulthood...

I had asked Him why my first response is always fear. Distrust. Skepticism. Even though I thought I had relinquished my self-serving, and very self-protecting nature, to His way of seeing life, this crazy fear was deeply embedded many years ago. It's been there since early childhood and grew exponentially as I grew into adulthood. It seems to always be fueled and ready for action at the least little occurrence. It's most likely the reason I'm so jumpy and if you startle me, you should expect a blood-curdling scream that will cause the firmest skin to stretch.  

Time alone during the early morning hours has given me a breath I didn't know existed. Not only physical breath, but I would say even a bit of spiritual breath that renews me from the inside out. This morning felt like a gentle lasso had been dropped over my head and lovingly caressed my shoulders as it poured into me the assurance that I am loved. I felt important to a loving God, and suddenly remembered His promise of never leaving us or forsaking us. I've known this  since early 1974, when I gave up all rights to myself, as I wept uncontrollable in front of a large family Bible (that was never read, by-the-way). Until I became desperate. At the end of my human strength and my way of doing life, I allowed Him in. I think I've written a blog post about that day. About the way God got my attention through His written Word. Through only 2 verses. There was no searching, just flat out communication that put a finger on my situation and how to solve it, that also brought me to my knees. It would be in the archives of this very blog site. 

Truly, He's only as far away as the breath we breath. And, for me, it doesn't depend on how my attitude has been, or what opportunities I've missed, or my reclusive habits that want nothing more than to just live my own life without someone telling me what I "ought" to do, or not do. How I'm "so" whatever. Or "too" whatever. I feel so small, so easily. Insignificant, unimportant, without merit, misunderstood so often. I knew I needed answers from the One who knows the whys. Answers of how to rid myself of this lurking fear that always wants to exaggerate itself and bind my mind so I can think of nothing else.

Today, there were clear answers that I've known all along, but haven't been able to face. From the times of fear induced "play" in my early years, to the commanding presence of a very lost man who felt it his duty to beat me into becoming what he wanted (needed?) even if it made no sense at all. But there was so much in between those years, and beyond even, that only served to confirm there was no-one trustworthy. Other than one woman who was my physical protector, who had herself seen things she shouldn't have. There were a couple of others who fell into the category of trustworthiness, but my sister Becky, was who I depended the most on. Maybe because she was only 4 years older than me and had been my constant companion during our childhood years.

Today, I waited until I could see to put one foot in front of the other, before traipsing out of the house. It was still darkish, street lamps glowing, and sky very overcast. I know the route like the back of my hand since it's one I've walked for almost 4 months...113 days to be exact. Well, I have changed the route up a bit from time to time, but still know it quite well. What would have worried me, not even 6 months ago, was fear of the unknown. The thin shadows of roadside bushes, trees, driveways. The eerie glow of lamp posts in neighboring yards that failed to shine into the shadows. But, not today. There was a tiny twinge when I first left the house, but it laid it's head back down and relaxed, freeing me up to listen. Really listen.

The days are getting much shorter now. And cooler! And I do love the weather the Fall season brings with it. My walks are getting longer because of it. And faster. I feel great, being outside! For as long as I can remember, I've been a "house" person. Just stay inside where the atmosphere is controllable. Sounds sort of like a prison, doesn't it? Even though I have a really great life, great home, people who love me wholly, my relationship with myself hasn't always been the best, because of those pesky feelings of unworthiness. 

The early years of discipline taught me respect of others, as well as a great work ethic. But it also taught me that I wasn't worthy of love. Maybe that's one of the reasons I am so in love with the One who created me. I know His love is unconditional and that whatever journey I take, He will walk through it with me. He knows the brokenness of humanity. He was a recipient of it. He understands all my innermost thoughts. My anxious spirit, at times, and always brings me up higher.

As always, here you will find me...in Mary's World