Tears in Our Soul

tear¹

ter/

pull or rip (something) apart or to pieces with force, so as to leave ragged or irregular edges. 

No one escapes the occasional tears in the fabric of life, if one lives long enough. Our heart is given over to defeat as we fight with weapons formed from our own reasoning, relying on the wisdom we have acquired over the years. Forgetting that God holds the best strategy for war, we feel we must do this on our own. We may ask for His guidance, but then pick up the javelin of selfishness (when God asks us to be selfless), because it's what feels right for a win. It's what we must do to free others, we tell ourselves. 

We become so worn and ragged while fighting the battles that rage in our mind. Battles that may have been lurking, waiting for the appropriate time, as our own desires take priority, and weariness has set in from trying to make everyone else happy. We are tired.

Other battles we must fight are the ones created by those we love the most. And we have become the target. The fabric of our life has been tore into multiple pieces. Tears that rip, that pull apart with force. Tears that leave our edges ragged or at least with irregular edges. Tears that thrust us into the heart of God. Tears that will eventually allow the light to shine out. Tears that reveal God's heart, out of our barrenness. Our empty soul. Tears that will allow others access to our pain. Painful tears...

Over the years, I have been told, "It's not about you!" And my reply was mostly, "Well, it needs to be about me, once in a while." We believe ourselves to be such a part of the dynamics of family & friends, we take things personally, when indeed it's about those dealing with the war. The war inside their heads.

Pride must be shoved aside now. We cannot allow pride to be our downfall, our defeat. It's not about us, per say. It FEELS like it's about us. But feelings are deceptive, right? Feelings come and go. Feelings will lead us down the wrong path. Feelings are not to be trusted. Love is what we must trust. Everything we see with our natural eyes, our natural understanding, is subject to change. Only God's reality, (things not easily seen), can be trusted. We must acknowledge Him and the solutions He has already laid out for us. All else pales in the light of love. His love. The love that He has given to us, has infused us with, has placed inside our being, to rely on as the world around us, in us, becomes too dark, too hazy, for our understanding.

Standing on our front porch this morning, I watched the rain gently falling, at first, then begin to be poured out of the heavens. I talked with God as tears ran down my face, much like the rhythm of the rain drops. Softly, at first. Then came the downpour. It was good. It was needed. It was a gentle caress from my Father, telling me that some things must be, in order to grab the attention of those He loves. Of those who seem to have lost their way. Those of us that thought we knew what He was asking of us. Yet the days, the months & now years, have shouted, "You're on your own." "You must do this. No one will do it for you." "In the end, it will be worth it." We've always known there to be a bit of truth in every lie. It's true, we must do whatever it is. It's true we are our own driving force. And it's true that is how we become deceived and believe a lie, from the partial truth the lie holds. Our analytical minds figure it all out and believe God has figured it out for us. Because it feels right.

Prayer is not for God, it's for us. God knows what we have need of before it becomes a need. He knows the challenges we face on a daily basis. He is familiar with them all. Prayer releases US to hear God's heart beating for us. Prayer cleanses our soul. Prayer gives hope. Prayer worships the Creator and doesn't seek it's own...until the ripping of soul comes. 

Prayer has the potential to mend the tear that would seem irreparable. Once the light has been shown upon it. Once the light has penetrated the darkness and revealed the lie. Once the rescue has taken place. And then...then our burden will be lifted off us as the Father tells us, "Now go back into the darkness and rescue another one."

It's not about me...here, in Mary's World.